Dagwood....the changes in a longterm r'ship/marriage can happen so slowly over time that it can take just as long again to come to a point where you can definitively say "I feel this...." or "I can't accept that...". 
The crazy thing is...for 20 years everything in my own LTR was perfect, then slowly odd/new/sometimes unwanted moments happened but I assimilated them into our life together because I thought we were a team, and I loved him. For much of the next 18 years I kept a lot of my concerns to myself because the easiest way to lose somebody is to not put them first (dumb dumb dumb lol) 
So my detachment from the 'ownership' of Us took many years of growth. Learning about myself, boundaries....my own worth! was critical to my decisions about what I could no longer accept in my life. It was a process. Some people can be upfront, take control, rip the bandaid off, say "I need to prioritise myself" right at the start. Others....you, me .....not so quick. There is no right or wrong way. 

I've had a read of your very first post. Probably, just like my former partner, your wife's growing realisation of her sexuality coupled with the assurance of your fidelity allowed her to open up to you. But don't let her be the lead in what is happening to your marriage because you , in my opinion, have more to lose than she does. 

Elle

 

Dagwood, you asked: are my complaints normal for our marital tenure, or is her claimed sexuality to blame?


If I may reply - neither should be the reason for you to deny your needs. My husband is bi, we are 10 years into relationship, I'm in my mid-forties and he is 10 years older than me. We still have sex just as often as we did the first year of our relationship, maybe more.


You need to communicate your needs to her! There could be a myriad of reasons for why she's not into sex, including trauma. She could also be (or has become) asexual. This doesn't mean you need to bottle up your feelings and needs though. Seeing a couple's counselor or a sex therapist could really help, but most importantly, you need to start talking!

As part of this journey, we meet all sort of mixed orientation couples and a few months back I connected with a guy whose wife was asexual. It was fascinating learning about their journey - full of pain and love. She was his best friend and partner in crime, but sex was causing her great psychological and physical discomfort. He said he wished she was gay - at leat there was some hope for occasional intimacy (I frankly think it was the "grass alway greener on the other side" kind of thing). Their solution was to open their marriage on his side and over the 5+ years they were in that arrangement he's had several long-term girlfriends. Their relationship is stable and they are happy. It's not for everyone, but unless you start talking, you will never find a solution.

Good luck!

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 10, 2025 2:28 am)

Dagwood79

Her revelation, on your anniversary trip, no less, was, I'm sure, quite a surprise, and that's not something you process in the moment.  Now add in two years of living with the aftermath, of her "exploring."  It seems as if what she wanted was to be open about her sexual orientation without any other change in your marriage, as if you needed to adjust to her, without her understanding that you might, as a result of her revelation, have some feelings of your own that she might have to adjust to. 

I think the thoughts and doubts you're having are a normal reaction to the situation you're in.  Your wife has told you her sexual interests include others, while at the same time withholding intimacy from you. Yet she still feels free to critique you for not performing what she sees as your role in the marriage (Mr. Fix-It).  Maybe you've reached a tipping point, and the marriage as you are living in, and the relationship you have with your wife, is no longer acceptable to you.  

 You have several options: talk to your wife, perhaps in counseling, go to individual counseling yourself, or, if you realize you have simply had enough, and intimacy between the two of you is no longer possible, consult a lawyer.   I did wonder, reading your post, whether you ever asked your wife, after her revelation, what effect she thought her revelation might have on you and your relationship and marriage, and whether she ever considered she might have to accommodate you in some way as a result of what the feelings her revelation might give rise to in you.  Because from what you say it sounds like it was a one-way street, with her telling you what her bottom line was, and expecting you to accommodate it (and on your anniversary, even!).  

 

Hi James

I understand it's challenging, but it's never too late to start talking. A simple "can I get a hug please" might sometime do the trick. However, it's possible that longer conversations will also be required. You've written so much here.. maybe you can turn it into a letter to her?

Counseling can also help unlock what was locked away a long time ago.

My husband needs reassurance (and he needed more of it after coming out). He had to ask for it, and I had to train myself to give it. He also needs physical contact (hugs, kisses throughout the day). I'm on a spectrum, it's not like I dislike physical touch, but I just don't need it and can easily forget about it particularlywhen I'm busy. He's learned that it's not me being cold, it's just me being me. Just yesterday I was leaving for an overnight work trip and I just walked past him with my suitcase. He had to go "ahem.. babe? Forgetting something?" And seriously, my first thought was "a charger" and it took a minute to read his body language with his arms open that he was asking for a hug. Some people are just like me, a bit dumb in that respect. I do love him dearly though.

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 10, 2025 1:47 pm)

lily wrote:

Hi James,

I am 70 so getting a bit past it in terms of relationships you still have a chance to experience life with a partner who can love you back.  My ex was always a bit standoffish - didn't like hugs or cuddles or kissing or affection but it got worse with time by the time we were in our 40's sex was over and no physical touch remained.  In our 50's it got worse in that he had a lot of subterranean resentment towards me.  I mean I wasn't the one who knew he wanted to be married to a man I was the one who had wanted to leave and he had stopped me but he still resented me like hell.

and I can understand that.  When I realised he was gay in denial my next realisation was that I was the only adult in the room - it was going to be up to me to make a divorce happen.

The bitch of it - it being a straight in a MOM - is that you love and desire but can never get that reciprocation - you love in one place and desire is forced underground rather than consummated.

Thanks Lily,

And that’s the crux of it, right? I never know if the lack of intimacy (physical and emotional) is because of the sexuality or just normal. It’s the question of “is it just me, or just you?” For now, I’ve focused on reframing the lack of intimacy to a point of ‘it’s not going to happen, don’t be bitter about it, focus on the friendship and family.’ For the last couple of weeks, I’ve stopped doing my normal things: complementing, touching, asking, etc. I’ve just focused on being present. If everything goes sideways, I don’t want to lose my friend and coparent. She is responding positively, in an emotional sense, but when she offered more intimacy last night, I just couldn’t.

I explained that I was focusing on the family and that it hurt me more to think that she was just checking a box as done than simply admitting she is not as capable of intimacy as I require. So I am trying to update my requirements. Can I live without it? We’ll see. But we are supporting each other through it, so that’s a start!