OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
This forum is hosted for free by Boardhost. Create your own free forum!
1 of 1- Jewel7077
- New member
Offline
I still love him
Two days ago, my husband of 30 years asked me to call off work which he has never done. I thought it had to do with his hospital stay. Emotionally exhausted from a blow up with my deceased mother in law's partner as well as the work I do, I agreed.
I got home, hugged him, and he took a deep breath and began, " I want you to know I always have put you first...only he couldn't get the words out. He broke down sobbing. All these years together and I Never saw him cry. I thought he was going tell me he was dying. I nestled close and rubbed his back.
"I'm sick of lying, I didn't want this!" Concerned and afraid, I waited him out. There's been a joke in our family for years that he had a 2nd family somewhere because small errands often took more time than usual.
"Are you seeing other people?" I asked as calmly as I could.
His name was John, now deceased, who had introduced him to this side of himself and taught my husband how to hide.
My husband is bisexual. A few years before I met him, his mother came out as gay and it destroyed his family. When his lover John told his wife, she refused to divorce and made his life a living hell. He thought he deserved it. Everyone else he knew who made the effort to be true to themselves lost everyone who had mattered. When John died, my husband couldn't grieve because of his secret. This was 10 years into our marriage. He even contemplated taking his own life. He didn't want to destroy what we have together which is why he never told me. All I could do is cry with him. 20 years of pain, grief, loneliness, and self loathing.
Long story, I know. After John there were others and now there's Jesse. But my reaction is what I have questions about. I am not angry, I do not feel betrayed or jealous. What I feel is sadness. I want to meet his lover. I want to keep my husband while allowing him to be himself. I love him unconditionally. He loves me. These men are not replacements for me, they supply an odd emotional need that I have not been able to simply because they are men. Am I weird? Am I in for a burst of anger and resentment as I work through this changing landscape of our marriage?
Last edited by Jewel7077 (September 6, 2025 2:44 pm)
- Alex1984
- Member
Offline
Re: I still love him
Hi Jewel
I'm so sad this happened to you 😢
Your reactions are totally normal, I personally admire you. If you haven't yet looked into open relationships, you can check out a book called Polysecure.
Two other groups I would recommend are Alternate Path:
,partner%2C%20we%20welcome%20your%20application.
That group is almost entirely long-term married spouses now in an open relationship with their gay/bi spouses.
And MoRandmore.org
The couple that runs it are monogamous, but they are welcome and open to all relationship structures.
Facebook group:
As I said, in a way I applaud you, I had very mixed emotions when my husband came out and I don't think it would have been easy for me to forgive infidelity, but everyone's story is different and forgiveness is a virtue. I would have definitely wanted to meet my husband's other person if he had one. I think it's very human, very living and very generous.
Please make sure you take care of yourself! It is so easy to just melt into their pain and ignore your own. Please allow for other emotions (like pain and anger and jealousy and frustration) to also surface if they must. They will come and go. Make sure you have your support people around you. Get a therapist if you can. It's a long journey unravelling decades of lies. You will need all the strength and support to make it, but I'm certain you can do it!
My heart goes out to you! Please feel free to send me a direct message if you need a chat. My husband is also open to talking - if either you or your husband have questions to him.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: I still love him
" He didn't want to destroy what we have together which is why he never told me."
I've always thought that keeping a secret this profound is a selfish act. And if it's only been 2 days there will beÂ
a lot of water to go under the bridge yet, maybe more secrets, and your own inner self to discover....how you actuallyÂ
feel about what will change everything* about your life.Â
You have my empathy. Try not to lose yourself in your attempt to keep it all together. There's nothing wrongÂ
with well-placed, emotionally-charged anger at something you had no hand in.
Elle
KIA KAHA Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
- Jewel7077
- New member
Offline
Re: I still love him
Thank you, both. I am empathic by nature. It's all to easy to "melt into someone else's pain.." without acknowledging my own so I need that reminder. I have to say that if he had told me even 8 years ago, my reaction would have been very different. I've never been with anyone else but the more people I meet, the more I talk with my daughter who started life as my son, the more I have come to understand about what love is and is not and of course, I have a great deal more to learn about it and myself. I appreciate your responses.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: I still love him
Jewel7077 wrote:
.....
the more I talk with my daughter who started life as my son, the more I have come to understand about what love is and is not.
You have a son who believes he's a female and a husband who wants to sleep with other men. Wow. You really are caught between a rock and a hard place. So much that you must feel like you're being pulled every which way.?
The love for your son will be as great as the love my own daughter has for her son who also believes he was born in the wrong body, and is now transitioning...ie; destroying his body. Both have removed me from their lives. I could have succumbed/affirmed their delusion that one can change sex but I chose to stand firm in my belief that one certainly canNOT change sex. It's a lonely place in a crowded room if you're a sex realist but I understand mothers have priorities.
And then to add to a gender-confused child you have a husband who wants to fuck other men.
It really is a man's fucking world of power and play isn't it?
My advice? Find yourself and stand up for the things you know are true. Sometimes love is just not enough.
E
Â
KIA KAHA Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â