My perspective, my thoughts, my emotions… these words are for me…

8/14/2025

I am a heterosexual white male who has been married for 27 years. My wife as of three days ago opened up and communicated that she is gay. The first emotion to hit was anxiety and then within seconds desperation. I know these were and still are my current primary emotions as the last thing I want is to not have her be my soulmate and partner for the rest of my life. The first words I communicated was that I loved her, all of her, and that I accept her for who she is. I love my wife unconditionally, all of her. I don’t know really what is going to happen next, next week, next month, next year… but I choose her as I have always chosen her. For the past 27 years our relationship, our family, and her have been my primary purpose in life. With three words, I am gay, shook my purpose to the core. What does this mean for us, for our relationship, for our family? Are you leaving me? What do these words really mean? Do you still choose me, and if you do what does this new us look like? The uncertainty and the self-realization of so many things that I haven’t done or been for her and not knowing if I will get the opportunity to make the changes I need for her has hit me to the core. How do I help her when I know she is hurting so much? What do I say when she tells me she feels so much guilt and responsibility for thinking that she has hurt me? I love you? I accept you? I choose you? Am I over communicating? Does she feel trapped in our relationship? Will love and support push her away? Does she need me to be angry when I feel no anger at all? There is nothing wrong with her as she is perfect in my mind. What has hit the hardest is the self realization of the things I haven’t been for her. Not that I am male married to her who is gay, but rather the deeper disconnected self and the feelings of complacency with not being her safe place where she can talk about her true feelings and emotions and connecting even deeper with her. I say she has been my purpose, I believed it, but have I lived up to the proper expectations and executed for her? In my current thoughts and mind, no I haven’t!

For me, these three words, I am gay, have given me new purpose, to self-reflect on who I am, who I am for her, to be a better husband and grow into a better man.

I have hope that she will choose me as she has over the past 27 years and I have hope that I will get the opportunities to live up to her being my purpose. I have hope that we, together, can work through this as we have with so many other things that got us to where we are today. Hope is a powerful thing, it is keeping me positive and focused on moving forward productively. Right now I am telling myself to focus on being supportive, communication, maintaining/building trust, and being productive for us, for her, for me, for our family.