short answer - yes he is gay.  Gay In Denial is a thing.  

longer answer, lots of things the same as with my ex.  There seems to me to be a widespread pattern where a pair of gay friends, one in love with the other, go off and marry women, one of them reluctantly following the other.  So there you are from a straight perspective it seems quite normal he should have a best buddy.  We went on holidays, we did so much together.  The added twist in my story was when my ex's boyfriend's wife came out of the closet in midlife - I was the only straight there.

Thing that bothered me most in your post - obsessively into you and then flipping at the reception.  This sounds like he is highly manipulative.  

Do you have family and friends you can confide in?  If you can possibly do it, can I suggest backing off from him a little, don't ask him if he is gay or talk about it, check your finances are in order, and find people outside the marriage to talk with, hope you have family and friends who can help.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Hi Newyorker,

Sorry to find you here.

He sounds like a sh*tty husband, honestly. He ignores your needs, doesn't communicate openly, and minimizes your feelings. Why are you with him, again?

As for gay thing.. I'd say he might be gay, he might be bi. He might be sleeping with his friend or he might just find comfort in his company. Does it matter though? You have enough reasons to want out of this relationship. Confront him, but not about whether he is gay or not. Just say what you said here: you don't feel attractive, he doesn't pay you enough attention, you don't feel listened or validated, etc. If he wants to work on the relationship, keep talking, maybe see a counselor. If he dismisses you again - then start planning your exit.

All the ally behaviors are confusing, closeted people are typically homophobic. If I had to bet my money on it, I'd say he's bi, but not the kind of bi-guy you want to spend your life with.

Good luck! You got this!

Whether your husband is gay in denial/in the closet or something else, it sounds to me as if your answer to "is this state of things, is this marriage, acceptable to me?" is "no."  I remember a member here who posted a very clarifying point when she said, "I decided that I might not ever know what his orientation was, but I decided that whatever he is, he's not for me."

Many posters here have written about the ways in which their in denial/closeted spouses have engaged in demeaning, devaluing, blaming, and other behaviors that make us feel as if we are the ones at fault for the qualify of our relationships, our spouse's distancing behavior, the lack of sex, etc.  Living with such spouses is a relentless attack on our self-confidence, which helps keep us compliant, self-doubting, and self-blaming beards.  Their attacks and anger ramp up when we begin to see their behavior for what it is, and to understand that we are being manipulated so that our spouses can maintain the status quo.  A closeted spouse values nothing, and that includes  us, our children, and the marriage, as much as that closet. 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 15, 2025 6:51 pm)