Some context below:

I am not homophobic at all. I just cannot believe the man that I married and had sex with all these years is going to be intimate with a man. I can't believe he hid this side from me.

He also doesn't care about how knowing all of this makes me feel. He says he is "comfortable" and "it isn't a big deal" and he "isn't gay" and "it doesn't matter if i date a man or a woman."

Why does he not care about how this has impacted me at all? I just want accountability for everything he put me through. He couldve told me months ago that he always knew he had attractions to men. He said he always knew!!!! But he didn't. He LIED and said it was anything but. And I believed him.

I am just so upset that someone I loved so much could be this deceitful with me in the first place, and then not even care about the impact it has on me after the fact. 

How do I get through this?My husband and I have been married almost three years and together almost eight years. During this time, he never told me he was anything but straight. This past summer of 2024, he was getting extra shady with his cell phone and nastier and less patient with me about anything. I was suspicious but I didn't know what about.

In October of 2024, I found that he was messaging women on snapchat and buying pictures from them. Then, I thought they were cis women. I did not find out until months later that they were trans women. He ran out of the house with his phone and deleted everything and would not let me see anything. He was an asshole to me about and was not forthcoming about anything then. He said he had a foot fetish and just did it to get off to women.

In December of 2024, I discovered he was texting two women on his phone and hiding them under names of his male friends. He was talking shit about me to them and complaining and just talking to them about things in general. I didn't see anything romantic, yet, but it was inappropriate. He talked to the one girl way too much. Months later I discovered that he googled "crush on coworker." He knew he had a crush on this girl and downplayed it. His reaction to me discovering these texts was horrendous. He ran around the house and called his mom instead of talking to me about it. He also called both women to have them say he wasn't cheating, when I asked him not to do that. 

Fast forward to February 8 2025, I go on his laptop and discover he has a sniffies account. He was taking pictures of himself and messaging men all over the area. He was messaging as if he was going to meet them. He said things like "married, but secretly gay" and "I havent gone all the way but i have fooled around." When he found out i knew, he first said it was him just getting attention and "getting off" on the attention. Then he said it was role play. Then he said he went on there looking for trans women. He did this dance with me from February to April. Then in April he admitted he had "some" attractions to feminine men and "fem boys." Now, in May 2025, he is saying he is full bisexual and that he always knew. He said he always knew he had an attraction to men.

I spoke with someone close to him and they said they thought I knew he was bisexual. So now I’m wondering why/how this person knew? They said my spouse never directly told them, but that they heard from someone else: were these rumors or what? I have no idea. But it could mean that many people knew something that I did not know at our wedding

It has been a trickling out of things over the course of the last 6 months or so. I am devastated, confused, angry, and sad. We are getting divorced. I am very confident in my decision to divorce him. I am just so angry at him for treating me this way. He has every trait of narcissism there is. He claims he never had any relations with a man ever. He says he has attraction to men and women, but leans more towards women. He seems to love trans women pre op. I don't know if I believe anything he says, since he has lied about so much. There are so many things I don't understand. Is he gay but in denial?   

Last edited by marie2312 (June 26, 2025 3:26 pm)