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1 of 1- betrayedandlost
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recently found out about husband's bisexual affiars
I'm very new to all this. I found out 3 months ago that my husband of 32 years was having affairs. He came out as bisexual. He had been sleeping with multiple men-- paying them for sex or sexual acts- for a few years. He claims to feel terrible, and says that even though he is bisexual he is committed to being in our relationship. He is genuinely remorseful. I would like to try to make this work but I am terrified that he will decide he doesn't want me again, and will seek out others once more. Has anyone been a similar situation? Has anyone been able to work past it? I'm overwhelmed and traumatized but I still hope we can work through it. Is this delusional?
- Alex1984
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Re: recently found out about husband's bisexual affiars
Hi Betrayed,
I'm really sorry to see you here.
Affairs are incredibly challenging to get over. If you think you can rebuild trust - you can give it a go, but your husband has to do the work (more work than you!).
His sexuality is not an excuse for cheating. He needs to earn your trust again - and there can't be any timeline on when and how it will happen. Might take years to rebuild.
If affairs have been going on consistently - it may have become a compulsive habit and it would be hard for him to stop. There behaviors are not dissimilar to alcoholism. They want to stop, but it's easier said than done.
In saying this, some gay/bisexual people do find it manageable to stop the compulsive behaviours once they have a chance to come out.
Firstly get him and yourself into therapy if you can. You can add couple's therapy later on.
If your question is whether you can live with a bisexual spouse? Absolutely! Unfortunately, it's a lot easier to make it work than living with a serial cheater (no matter their sexuality). While his sexuality would be a complicating factor, I suggest not to focus on it - it's the lesser of your problems. Focus on overcoming the cheating part and rebuilding trust. If you can't see yourself ever doing it - I would suggest planning your escape - hopefully amicably, but make sure you take care of yourself.
In case you consider making it work, here some resources that might be helpful:
Facebook groups:
Podcasts:
Amity Buxton's article: