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1 of 1- Bek73
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Not going back to sleep
I have been with my GID husband for 12 years, married for 10, and we have two children together. In the past year things have really changed for us. Where my husband has always been kind and respectful to me, the last 12 months have seen him become verbally abusive towards me when he drinks. This verbal abuse involves him calling me a slut and accusing me of having affairs with various neighbours, and for me this is maddening since I homeschool our two children so he knows his accusations are baseless as I'm always with the children. He has often been moody and angry for no good reason. This 12 month crisis that he has been going through culminated in him getting drunk, driving and crashing his car. Rather than using this as a catalyst to face himself, he is firmly going back to sleep. Given the changes in the last 12 months, his journey towards honesty has surely progressed, but I'm not sure how long I've got left.
I'm concerned about how long I've got left because I need to establish some housing security for myself and my children. I actually can't do this part without him, so my plan is to stick things out until I establish that security, and then I'll be free to let go. Is it ok to reach a stage where you know the marriage is done and dusted, but you continue on for reasons like mine? I'm not going back to sleep like I have in the past, but I'm pretending to - does this make me like him, am I now a bad person?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Not going back to sleep
Bek73 wrote:
I'm concerned about how long I've got left because I need to establish some housing security for myself and my children. I actually can't do this part without him, so my plan is to stick things out until I establish that security, and then I'll be free to let go. Is it ok to reach a stage where you know the marriage is done and dusted, but you continue on for reasons like mine? I'm not going back to sleep like I have in the past, but I'm pretending to - does this make me like him, am I now a bad person?
Welcome Bek....no way does it make you a bad person. Sounds like you're in survival mode, so continuing with the status quo is understandable while you "establish security".
There is no 'one size fits all' in this situation Bek, we're all of us different and some straights even decide that living with the lgb spouse is more tolerable/sensible/possible. Yes it's okay to reach the "this is over" stage but have you been to a lawyer yet? because you'll want to cover yourself and your children financially to prevent him from taking advantage of the marriage. Hugs for you Bek...
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Jupiter1
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Re: Not going back to sleep
Hi Bek, glad you found this site. Cheers to no longer sleep walking on your part. Making financial and housing plans for you and your children without tipping off your husband sounds wise. Please be safe- sounds like there’s a lot going on with your partner-name calling, drinking. Let us know how you’re doing going forward.
Last edited by Jupiter1 (May 22, 2025 1:51 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Not going back to sleep
Plan your exit. Discretely and silently. No, you are not a bad person.
We all need a safe place.
They project their crap onto us. My cheating GX screamed at me how I cheated also..with such conviction I had to think if I did..I knew no woman. It was insanity.
Plan your exit..discretely sliently. Even it takes a dollar a day for the rest of your life.
The wheel of God grind slowly,but they grind incredibly fine.
Wishing you strength and stoicism.
Last edited by Rob (May 23, 2025 5:56 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- freedmyself
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Re: Not going back to sleep
Hi Bek,
Welcome - sorry you're here.
You are most definitely not a bad person. The straight spouse experience is a mindfuck for all of us who go through it. Sounds to me like you're protecting yourself and your kids until you're secure enough to leave. As long as you're not fooling yourself, seems to me that however you show up to him is a survival tool, and there certainly is no shame in surviving.
I second Elle's GO SEE A LAWYER. Even if you think you are a long way from filing. It'll help you know how to prepare for when you are ready to file for divorce.
Another thing - what he's doing with his accusations and verbal abuse is an intentional move to dehumanize you. If he finds fault with you, and makes you Less Than then it lets him, in his own mind, justify his lying and cheating and abuse. My GXH did the same thing - the period of time prior to disclosure, everything - and I mean everything - was my fault.
Sending strength and hope your way! You're not alone - and you can get through it, even if it takes longer than you'd like.