lily wrote:

Look I'm really sorry to do this to you but have you considered the possibility that your instinct is going off because your new boyfriend is gay in denial too?

Maybe see if you can see what it is that triggers you into doubting him.

 
That has not been a concern at all... kind of surprises me a little bit bc you'd think my subconscious would be scared of it happening again... but that hasn't been a thought at all.  It's more anxious that I'm not good enough he doesn't really love me, he's gonna meet some other woman and want her instead.  Things like that.

Blackie563 wrote:

Hi Str8Mom - first, I am happy to hear you have found someone, that is amazing. 

Second, I am a male, coming away from a lesbian ex spouse after 23 years together. I recall the self doubt. You doubt your discernment. Normal. I dated a bit, then told my therapist I was out of the game", only to be dating someone unexpectedly. That was 2.5 years ago. We are engaged now. I had and still, although rare, have those doubting thoughts. In addition to the above advice, I openly share with my current fiancé. She understands and always provides reassurance when I need it. Will she do that forever? Yes, I think she will. Why? Because she cares more about how I feel than the time it takes to reassure me. 

you see, I learned through years of neglect, gaslighting and downright mental abuse, my feelings, desires, wants didn't matter. But they do! Someone who loves you for you will do what is needed. 

I trust myself, because I was able to look back and see what role I played in my previous relationship. There were red flags from day one. I didn't have enough confidence in myself and ignored by body until my health was beginning to fail, 23 years later. Now, I am at peace, have no need for anti-depressants, and life, although challenging, is amazing. Not simply because I am away from her, but because I like me. That wasnt true before. Once you truly like/love yourself, TRUST comes with it, because you would never tolerate bad behavior against someone you love. That was the changing point for me. 

No one wants to be hurt again, but to truly love someone I believe it is essential. There will always be a chance of hurt, but that is life. I'm rooting for you!

 


Yes... years of gaslighting and manipulation.

I have been trying to think a lot today of times when my gut was saying something and was right (as another person mentioned trying to do)  and I am starting to remember many times when I felt things and raised concerns and he would talk his way out of things, or times where i said i felt disconnected, or like roommates and he would assure me he loved me more than anything and just tired from work etc etc. I guess I chose to believe him and eventually felt like those feelings I had were not real and were anxiety.  I did tolerate things for the sake of keeping my family together. I tried to focus on the good times and the good.
It still gets at me though that I never suspected him being gay.  I'm going to continue to try to find the time where I felt things off to try to rebuild my trust in myself and try to realize that he was REALLY REALLY GOOD at hiding who he was and manipulation and gaslighting me.

And yes, the reassurance from my boyfriend is definitely needed!

I'm happy to hear that you've also found happiness and that your doubts are getting less and less with time.  It gives me how that mine will get less with time as well!

freedmyself wrote:

Once I knew my GxH was gay, I had a completely different filter through which to see our whole long marriage.  There were things that would have been red flags but only once I already knew he was gay! 

Be gentle with yourself as you start to heal your trust issues.  You may also find that you now see things that would have been a sign.  Again - not our responsibility to play detective; their responsibility to be honest human beings.  

There were many times when I gave my GXH the benefit of the doubt, and times when I figured we were just going through a rough patch that we would eventually have the chance to work through.  No one wants to be the one who blows up their family for what seems like a difficult season in their marriage.  

I'd also like to acknowledge what you wrote about how tricky it is to decide how much to share with family and friends, especially if your kids are young.  I've been quite open about the heartbreak of being a straight spouse, but not many of my friends have heard about the fact that gaslighting and lying and calculated deception designed to undercut my own inner compass counts as emotional abuse.  I've been hurt much, much deeper than I could even begin to explain to most people. 

It's a mindf%ck for sure! It really truly messes with your head.