loc, I'd like to share that at first I really believed my GXH's sanitized version of "nothing happened" and he  "didn't know",  and he's "just now figuring this out" which would support your subconscious theory. 

It took me months and months and months to realize that by the time he told me, he had already built out his gay life, and once I knew, he just stepped right into that new life, leaving me to figure things out on my own.  What I know now is that frequently, as I experienced, what we're told at first is actually the tip of the iceberg.  I was much, much more of a victim that I realized at first. 

I second - or third? - the thought that those of us who are high in empathy and optimism and perspective-taking seem to attract partners who betray us.  It's like having positive qualities but to a level that's detrimental to our own self-preservation. 

Lily captured well the alteration to your past.  I don't know who the heck I was married to - once he came out, I didn't recognize that guy. 

For me, those are two very different questions. I'm a little more than a year post-disclosure, and the ink is barely dry on my divorce.  Recovering for me is still a work in process, but it looks like this: self-care like it's my job,  prioritizing connection with the people who love me, volumes of reading and journaling, and lots and lots and lots of therapy.  And I have a long road ahead of me still.  I'm at a point where I have enough good days and enough glimmers of hope on bad days that I have faith that I will recover, and this will feel like it's in my past. 

As far as trusting again - I'm assuming you mean in a future relationship with a straight partner this time? It's too soon for me yet.  I think by the time I'm ready to start dating, I will have done enough work to restore my inner compass that I'll be willing to trust someone who demonstrates he's worthy of my trust. 
 

loc123 wrote:

How does one recover from this? How do you trust again?

 
It's not a 'one size fits all" kinda thing. This is your journey, these are your emotions, you are driving this.
Your recovery depends on you. You may never fully trust a man ever again but that doesn't have to be a negative, simply a protection.

Elle

loc123 wrote:

On a side note, I wake up every day hoping that life is a bad nightmare that I might wake up from but when I come to, it’s the same bad nightmare that I’m actually living; did everyone experience the same? It’s an awful feeling.

 
Yip I did

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 29, 2025 11:38 pm)

freedmyself wrote:

It's taken more than a year for me to not wake up feeling terrible every single day.  Still happens, just not every single day. 

I read in your earlier post that you were consuming a lot of content and trying to "beat the mindfuck".  I sure don't know how to do that.  I totally understand the need to read Absolutely Everything in hopes of understanding how this happened; that's me, too,  Ultimately, though, I have to accept that I'm never actually going to know.  Never.   

I will say that time and distance from the Ex have given me a more accurate perspective on what happened.  Closure with the ex is a fantasy, in my case, and I've let go of that.  


 

Interesting perspective @freedmyself. If I said “beat the mindfuck”, that’s probably more fanciful than anything - just “managing the mindfuck” would probably be a good result for me but most likely will be coping a beating from the mindfuck :’(