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- Str8Mom
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Re: Hello group...
Hi... wow!!! I was just posting something similar about trust and anxiety a couple days ago. So much of what you wrote I can relate to. My ex husband came out as Bi and then eventuality "more gay".
"My problem is trust. Trusting this new relationship and trusting him."
"I felt betrayed and totally blindsided...I literally had ZERO clue"
"I have a lot of anxiety at times, within this new relationship around trust and feeling like my world is all going to come crashing down again...out of my control."
ALL of this!!! I would add that my trust issue is more than the relationship or him. I actually feel like I *can* trust my boyfriend... like 99%... there that 1 little % that I have to keep as doubt just in case...bc I did trust my ex 100% and "look what happened" (and it took many years to get to that point of trust with him as well... I've always had trust issues). But again...I feel like the trust issue is with MYSELF... it's with me feeling like if I had ZERO clue- zero "intuition" about something SO HUGE as sexuality with my Ex... how can I trust my gut to tell me if something is off with my boyfriend? And so I get into these moments where I'm looking for signs since I can't trust my intuition and it's actually just terrible anxiety...he has gone out of his way to reassure me and prove he's different. But at times my anxiety won't accept this and keeps looking and not trusting in things... you rating feeling like the world is going to come crashing down....yes!
I don't really have advice for you on how to overcome as I'm looking for it myself... but if you go to my post on the support topic..m post about coping with after effects of something like that...I received many helpful and great replies that have me thinking and realizing that there WERE times my intuition was telling me something.. but my gxh was very good at gaslighting/ manipulation to where I brushed it off. I'm also trying to read up on some suggested people I was told to look into.
I want you to know you are NOT alone and I FEEL YOU AND UNDERSTAND!!! Just knowing there are others here who feel the same "crazy" that we feel has been helpful in knowing I'm not crazy and I'm not alone and there ARE people who understand (bc I felt like no one else really does... this site is the only place I feel understood)
- lily
- Member
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Re: Hello group...
Hi Str8Mom,
yes this site is unusual - admitting to the closet while in day to day life we are dancing around it but the fact is gay/lesbian in denial is very very common.
When I left my ex the anxiety that had dwelt in the pit of my stomach disappeared after one night's sleep under my own roof. I had believed it was there from childhood, that it was my anxieties and did not realise that he had made me make that assessment and actually the anxiety was predator anxiety - that subconscious sense that there is a predator lurking. ie my anxiety was congruent with my situation and it was being set off all the time but I am blaming myself for being anxious instead of believing in my intuition and acting on it.
So my suggestion is to look at what triggers the anxieties and make the distinction between 'I'm feeling anxious he won't find me sexually appealing, I won't be able to turn him on, and all of that and all of that and all of that' which is entirely understandable and does ease and the altogether different sense of 'I'm feeling anxious, not sure why'.
Yes there is a whole lot of things where we got the wrong end of the stick - gaslighting will do that to you, and a healing to take place that really I reckon just happens and I would encourage you to look for family members, old friends, people who knew you before you got together with your ex that you can share your confidence with - nothing like the feedback of someone who knew the old you. It all helps so much in putting the ground back under your feet.
I think you just have to trust your instincts with your boyfriend. Like Blackie said, it could be amazing and very healing.
wishing you all the best, Lily