Hi Group,

My husband M(44) and I F(44) have been married for six years and together for nearly eight. I'm here because I'm wondering if my husband might be asexual or possibly gay. Here's a little more about where this worry is coming from

1. We have never had a passionate sex life. Our sex life has been pretty vanilla. I have a high libido and told him so when we were dating. He said we'd keep our sex life up.  I've had past boyfriends and I know what passionate sex feels like, but I just assumed he was shy and that sex would get better as we got to know each other.  But the more that I examine, I see that he really has to stay concentrated during sex, usually eyes closed and only one position. He has initiated though, and he's sweet. We cuddle after, and that has always been fine for me. Sometimes I feel a little sexual frustration, but for the most part, I've been okay with having a calm sex life becauseI also got a calm and responsible husband unlike some of the ex boyfriend potheads I dated who were the opposite of him. 
2. Our sex life has dwindled a lot in the last few years. When we were first married, we had sex once a week. Then it turned to once a month. And now it's only happened twice in six months because I initiated. I know that if I ask for sex, he'll say yes, but I'm wondering why he isn't even asking. 
3. I never see him checking me out, but I have seen him checking out another guy. I don't see him checking too many other women out but have seen him a few times.  I did watch him the other week at the gym checking out another guy and being a little flirtatious. We had just had an argument and we were in a bad mood, but he immediately lit up around this other dad who came around with his little girl. It made me feel uneasy. In fact, I heard alarm bells and really started panicking after that, thinking that there really is something wrong with our intimacy or maybe something he isn't revealing. 
4. When we first dated, I asked him if he was gay. He's a bit effeminate and because he didn't come on strong sexually, I wanted to know. Also, he has a lot of friends who are girls. Not a lot of guy friends. He's not religious. His family isn't religious, so I believed him when he said No. 
5. He won't go to therapy with me. He's a smart guy (post doc from a top university) and thinks he's too smart to get help from a lowly masters degree holder lol
6. He doesn't keep his phone or laptop open around me ever. But, I have never asked about this. I just assume because he has work data on both, he doesn't want to leave it unlocked. 

7. He does a few effeminate things- for example, he shaves his underarms.  But I've never seen him wear women's clothes or anything like that,. But, He gets really worked up when people aren't 100% on board with the trans movement. I'm supportive of trans people, but I understand the older generation doesn't always understand it. My parents have made comments before about trans people- not disparaging but more like asking questions, and my husband has snapped at them in a way I thought was too harsh. 

However, I really don't think he's cheating. He's home with me and the kids when he isn't at work. He's a dependable husband and really responsible. He's been my best friend. And he's a really good dad. I just feel he's distant and much less affection and pretty much zero sex. Hell, maybe he's straight and is attracted to another woman right now. But, I have the track record of Liza Manelli. My first husband was bisexual. With a serious ex boyfriend,  I found gay dating sites on his laptop. I'm a great beard! So when I started to think about our intimacy, I felt like something was really wrong and have been spiralling ever since. I need to find a good therapist before I fall down another set of stairs because I 'm too in my head to watch what I'm doing. Already spoken with a few but none who really understand things from a straight spouse POV. 
Any insight? I try to talk to him and says everything is fine. Everything does not feel fine. 

Last edited by miriam80 (March 15, 2025 2:10 pm)