I heard about this forum from Reddit, I have got a big support there. I wanted to write my full story, just to share my experience. It's gonna be long, I'm sorry in advance.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. It started slowly. We met through internet website and became online friends. We visited each other, wrote many letters, it was fun. Finally I moved to Japan for him, started learning Japanese, worked part-time, finally got a full time job. We had a pretty good marriage, we could count on each other, and I felt happy, cared and loved. We traveled a lot, we were together when we struggled financially. We moved many times, changed jobs, sometimes from well-paid to low-paid. But we were together.

Two years ago we changed our phones to new ones and then he started to be very secretive, put it always screen down. I noticed it because why? It's new, he could scratch the screen! He also never left his phone unattended. And got a second phone last year - for his second job, he said. Well, OK. New clients, many calls. But I just felt something was off, that he just didn't tell me everything. In fact he always had something to hide. His reactions were strangely angry when I joked if he hides something "there is nothing, you just don't believe me". But well, I knew he liked anime and fantasy, some superhero stuff, power rangers, battle suits, masks and helmets, something to be a little ashamed of, so I was never really worried. Sometimes I saw his Pinterest or photos in his phone gallery. It was never an "another woman" problem.

At the beginning of 2024 we talked about having a child, because it might be my last chance, and I finally had fully paid maternity leave from my current employer.Our bed performance was never super good. He has some erection problems (he admitted he was just used to his hand), he also often refused because of hip or back pain, tiredness, being not in the mood, etc. And majority of time we lived in home with these typical thin walls. Usually I had to be the active one, but I couldn't do much. I did many trainings for pelvic floor muscles but it never helped in our case. Rarely went to happy final. I was afraid about his satisfaction, I initiated talks, going to hotels and just cuddling to make the mood. He always said that he isn't too much into sex, he doesn't need much, he just liked to please me in other ways. I asked him many times how he feels about it and he always said giving me a pleasure is fun and he also knows his body the best so I will be never as good as him in his single play. I said I'm afraid he will look for his satisfaction in other places, but he said he won't and not to worry. He also didn't let me to touch him in some ways. We couldn't work it out properly in over 10 years, but I thought it's must be like it is then.

SEPTEMBER

The bombshell went off last Autumn. I was cleaning our room and found a receipt for PreP (a drug reducing the risk of unprotected sex), a HIV test receipt, and a few home tests for STDs. I also found a bunch of anal toys and "anal training" stuff. I knew about some toys, I saw some boxes before (he likes to buy various stuff, he is curious in many things, sexual or not), but why the tests and the drug? I had to confront him, maybe tests was for a friend, maybe he bought second hand toys and used it before cleaning, maybe he became paranoid? - there had to be some explanation.

Of course, at first he denied it, said he ordered it by mistake. Well, it's a very expensive mistake, over 25000 yen, why he accepted it, should have been returned the order. He came up with another version - he wanted to get tested before having a baby. Ok, but why now, we had already done it without protection? Is he thinking I'm the unfaithful one!? Finally he said he had met a guy on Twitter and got lots of advice on dry orgasm so he could perform better and have a baby easier. And somehow he convinced him to meet up for a gay sex. UNPROTECTED! He swore it was just one time and he was just raped instead of getting an advice. He deleted all their conversations and blocked him. I couldn't check anything, I had to believe his words. He didn't want to show me his account either. Closed case.

I didn't know what to do. Really? If you want to have a baby, do you really have to be f***d in a** by another guy? What does that have to do with anything? I immediately sent him to an STD clinic to do a full screening. He was clean. He showed a bit of common sense because we didn't have any intercourse in his serological window after his exposure - he refused me few times, and it was common because he often refused... He promised me that from now on, he will be honest with me. I asked him if he had any more secrets or anything to hide, please just tell me everything at once. He said he has some fetishes, latex and toys, and that's it, he has also some particular fantasy kinks he needs for arousal, the idea of being transformed, being somebody else because he hated himself. It was the full body latex suits, masks and cosplay. It was a new thing for me. He just felt spoilt or perverted because he couldn't reach his satisfaction in normal ways so decided to hide it from me. Well some years ago I found a strange cosplay in his wardrobe once and I saw some comics in specific genre. I asked and he just declined, "got from somebody, wanted to try, to read, nothing more". But it was a good opportunity to talk...

Anyway this time we talked nights and long hours and I felt like maybe I'm starting to understand him, maybe he was being devastated, manipulated, overwhelmed and just stupid? I felt bad for not believing him, felt bad for his experience. I wanted to believe and really struggled. When I found the receipt I took a picture of it for reference and I now knew he bought it in advance, few weeks before meeting with this guy... so it wasn't just a "happened" thing, it was a planned one. He said he bought it just in case, because the other guy was very persistent. But I didn't know. Which idea is better - your husband being gay and a liar or your husband being that stupid.

OCTOBER

I was really broken for over a month but decided to work it out. One mistake, he said. Then one day I saw a strange icon on his phone. It turned out to be a gay dating app. I confronted him and of course he denied, saying he didn't know it, maybe a virus installed it, it wasn't him. I cried, begging him to tell me the truth. He looked me in the eye and said he doesn't use this app and there's nothing to be afraid of.

But I couldn't believe. I hate being lied to and I had a feeling. The next day I installed the same app on my phone and started searching. 2 days after got him! What I found broke me completely. Location in a different area, married, looking for friendship but very open to FWB, interested in not too old and not too fat guys, safe sex only, loves anal play, prefers to be passive, list of his fetishes, will update nude/fetish album if knows you better, etc. He also put there his cool motorcycle photo taken by me!!! Of course I saved screenshots and his lists of "friends" there. A few of them I could search later thru twitter - typical gay-fetish stuff accounts.

Of course he said it was nothing, just for fun, to see "another world", he admit to meet with 2 guys for dinner just to talk and chatted with others, to get to know this community. Nothing more, just talk. Well, I knew he liked some gay content on YouTube and TikTok, it could have been clicked, but now this was just too much. However, he swore that the guy he met for sex was from Twitter, not this app. And he had to create a very sexual profile because no one wanted to meet him or talk to him, when profile was only for "friend searching". Anyway, it was too fishy. I asked if he went to a gay bar. He went, but just to ask and talk about having a baby while having an erectile problems with a women... Yes, it's getting more and more strange. Of course he immediately deleted the app, the account and again couldn't show me any of his messages.

I really wanted to believe, I did everything to try to understand him. I tried to explain everything to myself. He has a shitty childhood, lack of love and respect between parents, his father was a really bad parent and a bad partner. He was also always the worst of the siblings, from his youth escaped into fantasies, games, comics and masturbation. I didn't know about many of his problems. Why we never talked? Why it was hidden from me? I thought he is my rock and I'm his. He always said he is so grateful to me for being loved and cared. But now? I couldn't understand. Especially when I put it all together. He also put some of his fault on me. Once I have reacted very emotional, when he said he will need to go regularly to the cabaret clubs in his new work. It was many years ago. I said I'm not ok with that. Maybe typical Japanese wife can accept it, but I won't. It was our first argument and since this time he decided to hide some things from me. "If you don't know, you are more happy", or "lying to your partner to don't make her sad is ok".

I remember when he said that I don't dress as feminine as I used to, sometimes I don't shave my legs, that I'm gaining weight, don't put makeup on, my hairstyle is just a simple ponytail, I don't put on any sexy underwear (at the beginning I did, but he never reacted positively - it was just no reaction, so I chose a comfy ones). And it doesn't help him enough to feel sexually attracted to me. But now I'm losing to fat, big, hairy guys, usually in dog masks! I felt broken. I felt like a rubbish, really. I have worked really hard, I made money for us, did overtime, I cleaned, I cooked breakfasts, I did all the grocery shopping. I had no time to be the best woman for him 24/7. He is chubby and maybe not objectively very handsome, but I always saw him as a cutie and I really liked his appearance. He was loved and cared and he knew it! Maybe that's why it's like a double punch in the face for me.

So the gay sex and the app was an end of something. I couldn't eat or sleep. I failed one important training at work, I couldn't concentrate. I did the therapy once a week and fought like that until December. The doctor said I'm already doing enough to forgive and I should think about myself more. I did everything to sleep and to eat regularly, to manage my skin and hair (I lost so many hair due the stress). I couldn't tell my mom, I didn't want to worry her.

NOVEMBER

In the meantime I started to check him more.  I somehow felt the scale is bigger. One day I just looked through his wardrobe, bags and winter clothes closet. I had some suspicions before but I never checked him. Damn, I should have checked a long time before... I found a few more toys, porn VR set, a dog mask (same type some his gay friends from app were wearing), big realistic dildos and latex gloves, latex costumes, chastity cages and big bottles of lube hidden in many places. I understood he is into BDSM. I can say toys seemed to be for a single play only, but mask was suspicious. The mask was expensive, over 33000 yen, the receipt with a date was attached - and in the same time he used to ask me for money, when his paycheck wasn't enough. Now I know what for. I suppose, in total he spent for all these toys and things over one full paycheck!! He earns more than me! And I gave him some money he used for that too!! I found also a receipt from hospital with test for chlamydia (negative) and ointment for a rash in his genital area - it could be related or not, it was in the other bag. And there was also a great collection of panties from a company which specializes in a gay underwear (I saw commercials on that gay app). Normal pants and also a fancy ones. And again, I know he likes a very comfortable panties, he is tried new brands a lot, but the fancy ones seems to be bought for different purpose, I'm sure they weren't comfortable at all... Moreover in every bag he had a vaseline, even in his work bag. I found also a viagra pills, nipple suction toys (in his work bag!) and a love hotel card registered on his name and date of birth. On the day of the hotel visit he was out in "his friend's house" because they went drinking this day. I got all info from the card account online. I was simply too naive to never check him out. 

Finally I asked him about everything and there was of course an explanation for everything - it was just for fun on his own, viagra was a gift from his friend and card was made by his friend who went there with his wife the same day in the morning. They made a new card for him and gave it to him to go there with me. Really? Very, very fishy and a bit too much of coincidences. And I already knew he lied very fluently.

DECEMBER

That was my knowledge and my mental state until the end of December. I was continuing my therapy, keep him on distance and maybe slowly recovering. Christmas season softened me a little and I felt maybe I should give him a chance? Let's do a couples therapy, sexologist, maybe make him to always show me his location and phone activity? Build the trust again? But he never wanted to go, it was always "I can go if you want". It's not the level of devotion I would expect after such a mess.Then just before the New Year I got a strange message from an “unknown user” on FB. When I noticed it, the user had already been deleted. I got only a Twitter handle and a short text saying “please check”. I couldn’t find it soon, but the handle was very similar to the one my husband used on his game profiles. Usually I would let it go, but I was really suspicious this time. Maybe I needed another proof to make my decision? So I started searching. It took me a week, but finally I got it! He wasn't very wise there - used his profile picture as a cosplay picture I knew already. It was a photo of his secret, fetish profile. Created in 2019. Of course, content was hidden, but I managed to get some information, comments and retweeted data.

Yes, you can imagine what kind of content was there. Talks about toys, anal training, costumes, condoms, lube, latex, dog masks, discussion what is and what is not a cheating, meeting plans, gay bars, fetish bars, fetish meet up plans and words of thanks after finalized ones (!), solo play advices, talks about the dangers of HIV and STIs, gay friends married to women and in hiding, how to lie to your wife, talks about how telling small lies to your partner is ok, advices and questions, pics of guys in latex and masturbation vids, gay porn, etc. Of course no single talk about baby and improving performance with a woman... just fetish, kinks and gay-like content. And cherry on the top: several guys from that gay app were connected to him there! I could compare it to my saved data from his dating profile. They were even wearing cosplay together on the same photo!! Another shocking piece of news - his new friends were already there! He met them in summer through another friend (the one from love hotel card). "Just friends, they also like superhero cosplay". I know they went drinking few times and went to sauna together. They've already connected and were talking about various topics. It took him less than a month to be open enough to talk about such intimate things like an anal play and gay kinks with these new people. With me he couldn't talk for 13 years of relationship!!! And to think, he told me that no one knows about his problems and fetishes, that he's too shy to talk about it. "He will take it to the grave". "He could talk only with a few strangers from the internet who doesn't know him in person". And to think, they went to onsen and hotels together. WTF? The love hotel card problem seems even more fishy. Also drinking all night in someone's place, meeting with friends's friends wearing cosplay... Probably another shitty lies.

JANUARY

We had a family trip scheduled, I was quiet. When we came back he attacked me for being strange and ironically "thanked" for putting such an effort. So I told him that I know much more now, got some info from a stranger, I already know his secret profile, gay friends, gay bars, fetish meetings. I didn't tell him everything, just enough he needed to know. He got angry, accused me of believing random message from a stranger over own husband. It was kinda funny because in comparison to him, the random stranger gave me true info here. Then he changed his tactics and accused me of spying on him, tried to say it's my fault he became like this and it's just his privacy. I didn't had it. You lie to me once, prepare for being checked. Period. Privacy and secrecy are also a different things. Big lies and small lies are just the same: LIES. We had a big argument, the biggest in our relationship. I was a little scared because of his shouting, he never did it. He admitted going to fetish meet ups 3 times. First time was far in 2023, and it was a shock, because in the same time I felt really loved and safe enough to think about having a baby. Well, he said he was only trying on a latex costumes and spandex overalls, nothing more sexual - but it doesn't matter, I couldn't check it anyway. For some reasons he hid it. It was somehow pleasant for him. And I feel I shouldn't believe his words anymore. At the end of an argument I asked about divorce and go separate ways. He said ok.

He show no guilt and no remorse. I think he was showing me it's all my fault, that I could never fully believe him. Well, I felt he was hiding something, but I couldn't imagine how big the scale of his lies was! Since our argument he didn't offer to change anything, didn't propose couples therapy, taking a break or visiting a sexologist. Nothing. No dedication. Maybe he is relieved because he finally will be able to live fully and develop his kinks? And he is still in denial. He said the gay community it's only an interesting thing for him and that he is not a gay. That one time gay sex was a rape, he didn't agree for that. And he created a dating profile and went to meetings because he was bored in our relationship, there was no spark, no excitement. Well I think he will miss this stagnation and boredom someday...

It's hard. He was a love of my life. I felt it was a kind of destiny that we met, started talking and finally fell in love. He was a man I loved so much that I gave up my career in my country, moved far away from home, from my family and friends. The man I felt safe enough to have a child with. I never even wanted to have a child, I just felt he is the one. I wanted to see one more small cute face like his. He was the person I beloved the most in the world. I wanted to grow old together, poor or rich. I thought we have the same vision of "us", same vision of trust, honesty and fairness. But well, no. It's really painful.

I was sad and disappointed. I wasn't even angry anymore. I lost so much time and youth. He was kinda cold in emotions, never show me affection I needed. No dirty talks, no sexy messages, no crazy bedroom performances. Some years earlier we had a half a year no sex life because of his back surgery. But I was patient, I have waited. Maybe I could have that everyday affection and nice sex life if I met the proper person? I have waited so many years for a nice word from him, for appreciation, for him saying he loves me. Like a dog waiting for a treat. He always said showing too much love is bad, because it weakens the meaning. But I loved this cold guy, I would wait any time for any sign of affection.It seems I was never enough for him, in his eyes I didn't even deserve the truth. That's why I'm grateful my intuition works so well. Somehow I knew from the beginning that the app and gay sex weren't everything. It turns out it was the result of bigger problems and secrets. But I'm kinda proud of my detective skills

MARCH

It's march now. I'm starting to recover little by little. In my dreams I still want to go back to 2022 and talk to him. Make him speak. Maybe it would change something, we had always a problem with deep talks. He brushed it off, to be honest. I was the one who always wanted to talk. Maybe misunderstanding led us to this point there is no comeback?I wanna believe I was lied only last 2-3 years, no more. I wanna believe his secret account was devoted only to cosplay and superhero stuff before... Anyway now it's too late for making things work. He has some problems since years but he didn't do anything to change it. His kinks and toys? I would be ok with it, I liked to go to sex shops with him, to look at things, I would try anything if it would make him happy. But we never bought anything there "nah, we don't need it". Although I know he was very interested. And he never offered anything, never asked or even checked what I may think about his kinks, latex, spandex and some toys. It was always "I'm not so much into sex, don't worry I don't need much". And then BANG! gay sex, dating app, fetish friends and lies? - "it happened". No, I don't think so. Everything that happened was his choice. He just never wanted to include me in his fetish life - maybe he wanted to have this and also wanted me - separately, to cover him. I saw some comments, I know some of his gay friends are making fun of their wives, how naive women are, how easy it is to lie etc. It makes me sick. I don't have any proof he is saying that too, but I don't believe he is the only one nice white mushroom growing on this pile of shit. For some reasons he chooses to be around these people.

I went to a sexologist myself, to talk about this situation, to try to understand. Doctor said it must be an addiction - he seems to be a sex, porn or masturbation addict. He already can't control it, it will grow more and he will take more risks in future. He can't connect sex and love in his head. He developed it as an only way to relax and get some satisfaction. Some people grow out of it, some people start therapy. But he doesn't think something is wrong, he doesn't wanna change. He already needs more than usual porn addict needs. Any addict will slowly destroy own relation and will justify it. I should end it and go away.

Anyway it's easier for me to let it go. Of course I can't be with him anymore, but I will be able to forgive and move on. Thinking about it as an illness it's a little easier.

NOW

I moved to the empty room next to our bedroom, I will live like that for a while. I can't move out soon, I don't have any savings now. I always spent everything on monthly payments. No woman would live in these conditions we had, I'm sure about it; just one room for living and one storage room where I also have my PC and a bookshelf, shared bathroom and kitchen, when paying enormous money for the mortgage for already FIVE YEARS!! He always said we will adjust the space, we will do some work, throw some things away, do a cleaning, we will buy some furniture, carpet, tv and make it comfy. We just need to save some. But we never did it. Well, we won't need that eventually.

I still pay a big chunk of the mortgage every month and they can't throw me away. His parents still don't know (or playing like don't know). I must say it's really easy to live with me. Japanese woman are more difficult, they care about money for groceries, cleaning supplies, they won't let you buy a new motorbike jacket, if there are some big payments coming. They manage everything, they clean, wash, throw things away, you can't have your "private" box at home, your wife doesn't know about. They control more. I was his easy mode. I liked to be there for him. I liked to cook, liked to clean, I woke up everyday to make us breakfast - even in my days off I was up at 6:00 making his sunny side. I was happy doing it. I gave him space for his motorbike trips, drinking with friends, I didn't check on him. I paid for many things, I agreed for his expensive hobbies, skiing, helmets, figurines, buying next iPads, next motorcycle, next jacket, etc. I paid a loan for our first car and when we sold it, all the money went to his account. I didn't say anything. I was paying off his university loan, still working part-time. Fully paid it off when started my first full time job here. He is thinking it's "our money" but it was just my saving habits and me not buying any fun stuff. I had no money to go to hairdresser, I had a very cheap skincare. But I felt it's ok, because he paid for me in my first years in Japan, paid for my language school, some trips and majority of living expenses was on him that time. But I think now I have already paid it off.

I hope I will be ready to move out this year. It may be a long process. We need to split credit cards, insurance, phones, clean all the paperwork, update my new address, change the documents. It's a lot. Amicable divorce is very simple here, it's just one signed paper. However I'm keeping all the evidence: screenshots, STI tests receipt photos, etc. Just in case. Car is his, I only have a bicycle. I don't need any money from him. I don't have many things to move, I will also throw some old clothes and things away. It may be purifying. I think a regular car can move all my things in one drive, I don't need to rent a truck. Luckily we're not able to get a new loan he wanted (with our both names on it), and I'm not pregnant.

I thought about moving back to my home country, but I like it here. I have a better retirement money here, than in my country. Anyway in few months I will be back to Europe and I wanna check some options of putting my career back on track. I used to be a teacher. But I also like my job here, I have my friends, my rabbit, my gym, traveling and events here. I will be single from now on, but it's ok. I won't be alone. I just need some time, some savings. And I need some time to grief. Maybe in future I will meet somebody who will appreciate my loyalty and affection. But now I need to focus on myself.

I know I'm looking strong, but I'm not. Life is making me to. I need to move out to move on. Sometimes living without him seems impossible for me. So many memories, laughs, plans. I liked to hug him when I had a bad day at work. I liked a smell of his hair. He was my everything. I can't hate him, not now, maybe not yet. I hope he can be happy and finally can be honest to himself. And honest with his next partner. He is still in denial. But I know he still buys next latex cosplays (bought 3 in March!) and sex toys, I know he meets his fetish friends, he plays almost every night in the bathroom, lies about his business trips (he is back earlier than he says). There are always guys next to him. There is no "us" anymore.

To be honest, it would be easier if he died in an accident. Easy to explain, easy to grief, easy to keep the photos and things. I don't wanna cry, don't wanna be so miserable. I have to learn to be happy again. I hope I can. I know I did a lot of work in my head already, but the biggest move will happen this year. I hope I can update here.