We've been together for 8 years and married for 2. They began transitioning to a man last summer, and it became clear that we weren't sexually compatible anymore, and they agreed. But as soon as I wanted to start the separation process, they went into panic/survival mode, fearing that they would be homeless. So they decided they wanted to start a home daycare and be self-sufficient that way. They kept on throwing the phrase "I don't want to be subject to housing and employment discrimination" in my face. I want to make it clear, I WANTED them to keep the house. I thought the daycare was a great idea. I have no problem finding a place of my own. But the rationale driving this decision, in my opinion, seem to be that they are frequently making up scenarios in their head where they walk away homeless after the separation. They estranged themselves from their family, and despite having loads of friends and a brother still in contact with, claims that there would be nowhere to go to if I left or if the house was sold. I do want them to be in a safe and secure position when this is over but the divorce process as well as selling the house takes months anyway, and they are dragging their feet even taking this daycare thing into account. First when I was trying to get us a mediator they said "I want to do this with a therapist first," stalling us a few months. Then once we got our papers, and all they had to do was sign, they began stalling again because "it's too much trauma." Like, do they want to separate or don't they? At the beginning of this whole thing they said because I'm cis, I hold all the power and they're at my mercy, and that they need more time to process their transition. Then 3 awkward months passed of us living in the same space. (I'd have moved away at this point but that would require me to pay for 2 homes.) Then another 5 awkward months passed, all of which have consisted of daycare prep. How much longer do they need? In a way I feel like I'm at their mercy. I am being held hostage by their fears. I just want to get on with my life. 

My partner lost their job in 2023, then picked up a lower paying job, and has turned into an emotionally abusive person ever since. And when I continue to bring this up as one of the reasons I initiated the divorce, they always attribute it to me not understanding that they're trans.

So here we are, end of February, with unsigned papers in hand. And there's no one I can talk to about how to handle this compassionately; my boomer mom doesn't understand the trans-cis dynamic, support groups think I'm being used, and family friends don't believe the daycare plan will work. I tried to set a firm timeline with my partner by saying I would be moved out by end of April, regardless of whether or not the daycare was open, it is even written in the papers - and that clearly has made them hate me.

Sorry if this seems disjoined at all. 
 

Last edited by BlackElephants (February 23, 2025 2:52 am)