Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Welcome to our Forum.

Can I say first off... that you won't find your voice as long as you're in couples counseling, because his presence, in my opinion, will always have a bearing on what you feel you should say.

Elle

I was actually concerned about this at first, but I think it's actually helped me find my voice even more. I've been in individual therapy for about 4 years and have been making progress on my own. But when we're in a session, I feel much more comfortable speaking to him than I do one on one. I feel better knowing there's someone to "referee" and call us both on our shit. He can't twist my words, move the goal posts, or redirect the conversation. She's been incredibly helpful to make us both stop and think about what the other person actually said vs what we're feeling they meant.

And honestly, at this point, I'm hoping it will either allow him to see where he's asking too much of me or see that we're incompatible. I'm hoping it will shine a light on how mismatched we are and make separating easier. It might not, but I'm willing to give it a shot if it would mean an amicable separation instead of a messy one.

findingmyvoice wrote:

... His argument is that if I would just try harder, if I would just "feed that flame", I could find it sexually attractive. I feel like I've been doing that for years, sometimes to the point of doing things I'm not comfortable with, and it has never ignited that sexual desire for femininity in me.

This is what they used to tell gay people at conversion therapy. Just "feed the flame" of whatever little opposite sex attraction you have. Did it work for anyone? Maybe for few, temporarily. In most cases it didn't and it ruined many lives - of gay people and those around them. 

Couple's counselling can work, but only if you have an unbiased, supportive therapist. The main thing to understand as others have already said - you need your voice! You need to state firmly what you are and aren't into. No excuses. He/they will either have to compromise and restructure your relationship, so that it is comfortable and enjoyable for you or you will have to part ways, so you can be happy on your own.

My husband is bisexual and we are in a relatively thriving MOM. I am your person if you want to talk compromise, but I would never tolerate him saying "oh, just do this for me, it's not that hard". You tell me what you like, I will note it and think about it. It is, however, for me to decide what I will or will not do for you (with you, to you, etc.). If it feels like it might be fun FOR ME, I might try it. If not - thank you for sharing, I appreciate your honesty, this doesn't do much for me, let's think about another outlet for your desires.

Good luck!

Ooof.  I'm so sorry findingmyvoice.  Just wanted to provide a few observations, but glad you had the courage to post here.  That's a massive step forward.

findingmyvoice wrote:

It has now evolved to him needing to be seen and understood as a submissive and feminine person. I am supportive and want to relate to him how he truly feels (he uses he/him/they/them pronouns), but my problem is that he's upset that I'm not sexually attracted to his sexuality.

He radically changed a critical foundational understanding in your relationship -- you thought he was attracted to you, and now he's telling you he needs a man.  That's his problem, not yours.  It's like him wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey underneath a Chicago Bears jersey.  He walks into a bar of Chicago Bears fans, rips of the Bears jersey, and receives a negative response from the Bears fans who see his new Green Bay Packers jersey.  What the hell was he expecting when he ripped off the jersey, and what the hell was he expecting when he told you that he plays for a different team (i.e., the "I'm not really attracted to women" team)?

findingmyvoice wrote:

He acts like it's a choice. He acts like it turns me on and I'm choosing to suppress that part of myself, or like I'm just refusing to engage with it at all. I've spent years of our marriage trying to engage with him sexually in the ways that he wants, to interact with him on a daily basis in a more dominant role. It just doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't particularly enjoy it. But even when I'm enjoying him and making him feel good, that's not enough. He wants me to enjoy those sexual interactions for my own sake, he wants me to need it as badly as he does. And frankly I just don't.

Total blameshifting, and shame on him.  Many of us Straight Partners have to go through this nonsense.  He knew you were a straight woman, so how can he be upset with you for not wanting what you want?  How is it your fault that you don't want to be married to the gay man that he pretended he wasn't?

findingmyvoice wrote:

His argument is that if I would just try harder, if I would just "feed that flame", I could find it sexually attractive. I feel like I've been doing that for years, sometimes to the point of doing things I'm not comfortable with, and it has never ignited that sexual desire for femininity in me.

So he's arguing that it's your fault that you don't like the fact that he switched teams on you?  Puh-leeze.  And this is totally insulting to you.

findingmyvoice wrote:

Adding to that, this is the way he feels loved and emotionally secure.

What he's saying is that he would like you to maintain his closet for him because he lacks the courage to live honestly.

findingmyvoice wrote:

Am I just being stubborn or selfish on this? Am I truly just not trying hard enough to meet his needs? We have other issues but it always comes back to this core issue. If I would just need what he needs, then he could meet my own needs. Which feels a lot like I need to be the one making all of the effort to contort myself into an ideal, rather than being appreciated and loved for me. Then he's also made the argument that basically I "knew what I signed up for", even though I don't think I had the full picture at the time.

NO!  You are not being selfish.  He lied to you about his sexuality, you relied upon his representation that he was "lightly bi", and now that he can't live the lie any more, how on Earth is that your fault?  You did not sign up for this.  At all.

findingmyvoice wrote:

I guess I'm posting just to vent and for support. We're at an impasse. We're in couples counseling, but it seems like he's only going with me to further argue his point and because I said this is non-negotiable. We have 3 kids together now, so the idea of divorce is a lot more messy. But if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would warn myself that this relationship wouldn't lead to the life I wanted.

Couples counseling can't do anything to help this.  He's gay, you're straight, and that's the fundamental issue.  Yeah, you have kids, but so do I.  And after living through the mess that was the Straight Partner Experience, I can assure you that it's far better for kids to be from a broken home than to continue living in one.  I've remarried, and it's critical that we as parents model appropriate, loving, mutually respectful relationships for them so they can have them later in life.

I know you're probably looking for better news than what I'm providing.  Six years, after I discovered that my ex-wife was having an affair with the mother of one of our daughter's friends (yeah, totally screwed up), I was hoping against hope that I could keep my family together and somehow remain married.  I'm glad I spared myself six more years of the mental gymnastics and pain that it is being trying to raise kids with a fundamentally dishonest person who was not attracted to me.  My new life is far better in every way, and I think most Straight Partners can report the same.  Good luck, and keep posting.


 

Blue Bear wrote:

He radically changed a critical foundational understanding in your relationship -- you thought he was attracted to you, and now he's telling you he needs a man.  That's his problem, not yours.  It's like him wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey underneath a Chicago Bears jersey.  He walks into a bar of Chicago Bears fans, rips of the Bears jersey, and receives a negative response from the Bears fans who see his new Green Bay Packers jersey.  What the hell was he expecting when he ripped off the jersey, and what the hell was he expecting when he told you that he plays for a different team (i.e., the "I'm not really attracted to women" team)?
 

To be fair, he is definitely attracted to me and women in general; it's never something I've had to doubt. Even when this was first being presented to me, I thought he was just in the closet and in denial about being gay, but there's been way more than enough evidence that it's truly that he wants both. He's more of a poly/pan situation. If it were even a little questionable whether he just desires men and is using me as a beard, it would be so much easier to just leave.

I appreciate your response. In the last few weeks he's backed off the needing me to be sexually attracted to his sexuality and moved to "I just want to feel that attraction and desire from you for me". Which feels like rephrasing what he wants or moving the goal posts to me.

Regardless, I can't just make either one of those things happen. I'm not attracted to him, I don't desire him sexually. He's been doing more of the actions I've asked to meet my needs (trying to be more attentive, getting stuff accomplished around the house, being supportive when I got some bad family news recently), but it doesn't feel like it's coming from an actual organic place, and it's not increasing my desire for him.


It feels like he's just doing these things for us to start having sex again, and I'm not into that. He even low-key said (only 4 days after we set up specific changes to make) that he's the "only one trying" in this relationship. Because I'm not trying to jump his bones every chance I get.


I feel like this is over. He's more concerned about his needs and doesn't care how I play into that, but he twists it as if I've been the most selfish one. At this point its just figuring out logistics, I think.