JJ wrote:

Thank you all again for your kind words of support.  It’s been a particularly difficult few days- I think deep down I knew this was coming and I knew I was going to need to talk about it.

We have had some extremely difficult conversations over the last 48hrs and hubby has finally admitted he doesn’t want to live a lie for the rest of his life.
I am devastated and heartbroken but also kinda relieved that he’s said it. I feel like he was just trying coz he didn’t want to hurt me, which was actually hurting more.

We love each other deeply but the way I love him is not the way he loves me (that was extremely hard to realise) we have been best friends since we were 13 (39 now) together for 20 years and married for 16. 3 beautiful children and a whole life of achievements all done together.  We have literally grown up together.

Our main focus is the kids- I do not want him to live away from them and this has been his biggest fear.  I don’t know what the future holds but he will seek help ASAP (as will I) and I will let him take the lead as to how and when we disclose. I have said I need to speak with my sister at least and he has agreed that is important for me as I need the support.

It’s all very foreign and I imagine I’ll change my mind and make many mistakes along the way.
Thank you all again x

You sound so much stronger. Go you! Great you can talk to your sister now. That should be a huge weight off your shoulders. If you haven't yet, connect with the OurPath support. They put me in touch with a local support person straight away. Having a coffee, a cry and a physical embrace from someone who "gets it" was incredibly invigorating.

Good luck!

Hi everyone, thank you all for your kind words. I haven’t logged in in some weeks and a lot has happened.

We separated for a couple of days, it was horrendous and I can honestly say I have never felt more despair.  I was not mentally prepared and I didn’t have a support network set up etc. (it was my choice)
I ended up going against my husbands wishes and told my sister and parents. They were shocked and sad but still  embraced him which made me feel better. He said all the right things, my dad even convinced me it wasn’t the end of the world and if he is saying he wants the marriage then try and make it work.  They, like any family want our family to not break down- as do we both…

I went home, things were lovely and harmonious for the last month or so. he has been doing individual counselling (my request) and if feeing a lot better about things, driving into shame, drinking etc.

After a session recently, we discussed felling like he just can’t ’live Like this anymore’ and saying a lot of things about how we were raised and how damaging that is - going as far as to say “we don’t want the same life our parents had, we don’t need all that traditional stuff”
Thing is I do. I thought that was what I was getting and now the whole last 20 years of my life seems even more fake.
I told him - your identity and mine are 2 different t things and  this ‘revelation’ has completely destroyed my identity as a wife and mother.

Again he says he wants to stay married- when he tells me he loves me, I believe it but not in the way I love him.

I have found even more recent evidence to prove there is absolutely no way he will not act on it (watch history, link history on socials, it’s all very explicit and total at all like how he would act or say he’s into publicly) and I am working with my own therapist to prepare myself mentally for how to deal with the mess of my life.

I put my career on hold to help build his (I was a nurse but have restrained recently - I cannot face going back to full time nursing I’m so done.)
I have taken a full time job for the first time in 12 years but he still earns 3x more than me. It’s all a big mess and I am trying to not look too far ahead.

Is it possible to co-parent under the same roof? My youngest is 9 and I don’t want to mess up my family but I also need to have some self respect in the situation.

JJ...really tough situation to be in, and try to get out of, when your youngest is only 9yo. 

Age-appropriate explanations with the 9yo and a willingness to answer any questions he/she has will be 
so important. Kids see more, feel more than parents think....without having the tools and sometimes the
opportunity to vocalise what they themselves are feeling.

Elle

I was completely blindsighted too. 

I'm not sure about alimony; I imagine there is some recourse for the woman. Sounds like that will get messy with the lawyers but might be worth it in your case. I am (atm) going to try and avoid lawyers at all costs. Might just be idealistic at the moment in the recent-post-disclosure stage. I'm trying to hold on to resentment so as to be the best person I can for the kids under the circumstances.

I was completely blind-sighted too and am also not ready to lose my current life; at the same time, I know my rebuild will require some changes. Sorry to hijack your thread !

One day/hour/minute at a time indeed..