Dear JJ,

I'm so sorry to see you here. My husband is bisexual and came out just over a year ago and I remember the agony I was in. Please know things do get better!

If you have a strong marriage, your husband tells you he loves you and wants to stay married to you, please know that you absolutely can make it work. There are couples with gay partners that are happy and monogamous.
Please read my posts in the MOM section of this forum, and join these groups on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/morandmorecommunity/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/mixedorientationrelationships/

We live in New Zealand and both my husband and I are happy to talk via Zoom or even in person, we travel to AU frequently.

My husband can also connect with your husband if he feels he needs support. Unfortunately, not all counselors and LGBTQ support groups are trained in the MOM dynamics. Many would nudge the LGBTQ spouse towards separation, even when it isn't the best path for anyone, so watch out for that.

And finally, listen to thses podcasts, they might cheer you up:

https://youtu.be/ewfw6R2Tm3U?si=htvY0IfWYSPuFfgf

https://youtu.be/SRUYC3sJFqY?si=XKS8uEKCz5aiSUvd

Stay strong! Whichever way it goes - you got this!

...and some of us don't get a choice, unfortunately.

I stayed in the MOM for a number of years after he first announced he was bisexual. My only condition was that he had to communicate with me about what was going on (he blind sided me with the bi announcement). We did counselling, both together and individually. He begged me to stay in the marriage (despite finding out he hadn't been honest with me for a good decade). Despite everything he dragged me through....I loved him deeply, and I supported him.

Again, my only request was that he communicate. I told him flat out that the one thing I couldn't handle was that I stayed in this marriage, put everything into it, and one day he just announces "I'm gay, I'm leaving you".

Throughout those years, I asked him many times how he was doing, was he still questioning, we did all the things. I even commented how all of this was going to end up making us stronger than ever. I made significant sacrifices based on the marriage and being a couple.

One Saturday morning I got "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you". Turns out he was just lying to my face all those years. He was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear....while he planned out the best way to leave me and get what he wanted.

He had years to come to terms with it, make plans, have another place set up and a separate account. And then he just walked away. He left me without any money, a half renovated house, a handful of pets, and all the bills. 

It's quite exquisite looking back on it. The lengths he went to destroy me and make sure he took everything I ever loved or believed in. 

Years after the fact, he told me my apparent sin in all of this. That when he blindsided me with his "I'm bisexual" announcement, apparently I didn't have the appropriate reaction. At the time I felt like I had just taken a frying pan to the face and I asked him to please leave and go to a hotel for the night. I said that I needed space to comprehend all of this.

He came back the next morning. I spent the entire night crying. Apparently it was at that moment he decided I needed to be destroyed. Because I "kicked him out of the house in his time of need". Just glossing over the fact that he married me under false pretenses and had been lying to me for years. But I asked him to leave the house for a whole 8 hours so that I could have a moment. 

I then went to an LGBTQ group and learned about coming out late in life. Learned about ways to support him in this. Did scads of research on it all. Made a million sacrifices (gave up my job, moved to the middle of no where, you name it). And, because I took a quarter of a day to myself to deal with the mind fuck....he told me that I never once supported him. And apparently he's going to need life time therapy because I asked him to leave for a night (he went to a hockey game and got a nice hotel).

I wish my story was unique. But I have seen similar things happen time and time again in the 6 years I've been in the straight spouses club. 

I was also confused as hell by the whole thing, especially his announcement that he was gay. Considering we were married for close to 20 years and had slept together the entire time. I was completely blind sided and never saw it coming.

Can a MOM survive? It's possible. The ones where I have seen that happen tend to have some sort of "open" marriage (whether together by bringing in a third person, or separately). And I have only seen it work if the man is actually bisexual - not gay. I'm a small sample size of course though, so I'm sure you can find something out there.

At this time, you are in shock. It's a massive betrayal trauma to find out your spouse has been lying to you. Especially when it's about something this large. If you can, try to find a decent therapist or friend that you can talk to. Don't suppress your emotions. Don't feel guilty for having whatever emotions you have. Whether you stay together or not - this is going to take a significant amount of time. To process, to come to terms with what this means for your marriage, and you. During this time, your husband needs to talk to someone, go to therapy, and also figure his crap out. You both need to figure out what you want (separately). Only then, can you start to sort out what you want together.

Post here as much as you want. Those on this forum have been there. And there really is a significant amount of similarities in the experiences. 

Starting now, all you have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take it one step at a time.

I live in Australia, northern NSW - the two counsellors I saw I could not recommend.  Finding a straight counsellor is not a given by any means.

I think the writing is on the wall - there's a saying, bi now gay later, it seems to me your husband fits the bill - and you have discovered that he is already reaching out for gay companionship at the rainbow door.  

If you can find a family member to confide in that would be so good for you.

Wow thank you all for the support, I really truely appreciate it!
We have been in couples counselling since a couple of days after it all came out and I have one close friend who knows (my husband’s best friend’s wife)
I assumed he knew and so of course she would know- turns out he had not told a single soul his entire life. She just doesn’t get it unfortunately and thinks it should be over and he can just come out waving the flag while we all cheer.


Like any couple we have had ups and downs and the last year has been particularly challenging. I had noticed he was drinking a lot more and seemed distant, I had spoken to him a number of times and he just said it was work stress etc.

Since all this came out I have discovered the extent of the drinking and he said the last year as we have been more physically and emotionally distant this has caused ‘the struggles’ to become harder. That seems really hard for me.
He swears he has never acted on anything and having been best friends since we were 13, I do believe him.

After it all came out be have strangely become a lot closer and I have been extremely emotionally needy, which is so not like me. There was a few weeks where we prob had more sex than in the entire last year- I think that has made me more confused and now I feel like I am delusional thinking this will all go away. I’ve since read on this forum this can happen.

Another layer is he says he doesn’t want to ever come out or act on it. he will probably lose his family due to their beliefs and he prides himself on being a husband and father (he is the best dad)

He told me he has come to an acceptance over the past year that this is not going away and he needs to not hate himself over it. I agree but want him to see a counsellor on his own. He replied during our session last week that he is scared what this might mean his he delves into it.  It seems like such a messed up situation with no happy ending, I no we don’t need to make any decisions today…

Coming out and "acting on being gay" are very different things, too.

Coming out is generally very very healthy - for him, for you and for your relationship (if you decide to keep it). It can't be rushed, but, but for me, it was one of the conditions of me staying in the relationship: I had to see him making steps towards coming out (just over a year on, he is now out to friends, family and at work).

"Acting on being gay" (which I presume means having sex with men?) is not a must. Sexuality doesn't give anyone a hallpass to sleep with others.