Hi all,

I've (27M) recently separated from my partner (27F) of 7.5 years on a mutual decision due to her struggle with her own sexuality. This was not the only reason for our separation, and there were other factors such as life circumstances, my own emotional vulnerability (or lack thereof), and homesickness (we live overseas from our home country) involved, amongst others. For the majority of our relationship she was upfront about her bisexuality, and in fact came to realise it and become more comfortable with it whilst we were together. Around a year and a half ago she confided that she was attracted to one of my friends, who is also a lesbian. At first it was said in a light-hearted manner, and I was unbothered at the time as we were typically quite secure in our attraction/affection to one another. It continued to be a topic that would often come up, and when we hit a rough patch I told her that I would comfortable with her experimenting sexually with her. At the time I felt like I wasn't satisfying her sexually or emotionally and I wanted her to be happy about something, as she had been consistently unhappy for some time.

Over time, this experimentation turned into something more akin to a fling. She began to setting aside days/evenings on the weekends to spend with my friend, and spending more time with her in general. At the time she was not comfortable with me sharing this with any of our friendship group (as we share the friendship group we built together), as it would mean "outing" her and my friend to an extent. On reflection this was quite hurtful, and I spend the last year and a half keeping it a secret. She would always ask permission before going to see her, and check in that I was okay with it, which I always said yes to. On reflection I was not okay with it, but convinced myself to be magnanimous because I could see how happy it made her. 

Fast forward to August of last year, and my partner decides we need to have the chat about the future of our relationship with our lease coming up to an end. We decided to mutually separate as she was beginning to fear that she was actually lesbian, with her moving out two weeks later. Since then we have continued to be amicable, as we are still best friends in a foreign country in which nobody else shares our history nor our cultural connection. This has been a struggle. Some days I am comfortable and happy seeing her, whilst others I find it very difficult. This past weekend we checked in with each other and she told that she was considering starting an official relationship with my friend. At the time she said she was scared to do so as she feared it would hurt people and hurt the friendship group. I waved concern away at the time, and said I was completely fine with it. Now I can feel only hurt, as it feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it to. Subconsciously I know I need to put some distance in my life between us, however this would mean destroying our friendship group entirely. 

Besides all this, I feel destroyed and worn down. Until now I had felt mostly grief, which had been improving but has now been renewed with frustration and some degree of anger. Anger at myself, and frustration with her and my friends; the former due to behaviour I now feel was very inconsiderate and hurtful, the latter with my friendship group due to me feeling like they have rallied around her less than me. 

Apologies for the lengthy exposition, looking around it seems my case is somewhat trivial compared to some of the other stories shared. I just don't know where to go from here, as it feels like my former partner now has a new lease on life both exploring a new relationship and life experience in her sexual identity, whilst getting the support of our friends. Meanwhile I feel like I am left with nothing.

Last edited by cp3005 (January 27, 2025 4:40 pm)