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- lily
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Re: Help! In Honeymoon Phase!?!
Lostandconfused1234 wrote:
Look I think there is a profound difference between being non straight or being a straight spouse to someone who has come out of the closet.
I agree with you on this for sure. Having a gay spouse cuts through what used to be societal norms. Whereas if my wife were straight, the idea of her going out with a group of women would not give anyone red flags. If she were going out with a group of men, several people in both of our lives would probably be asking questions. It's far more stigmatized for me to go out with the gender I'm attracted to than her. It definitely not a level playing field.
Lily you have been through so much more than I have and have more experience. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I feel like my ideas may come from a place of naivety. I'm still committed to making my marriage work, and the person I'm with now says she wants it to work too. That's not to say that person might change, or even I might change in the future. I just hope that she is genuine and isn't lying to herself. I have to relent that my wife and I are both humans, and capable of making mistakes, and even malice. I'm no saint either.. .
Hi Lost, thanks for your kind words, much appreciated.
Yes, too right, there's the social aspect of it all. My thought though was just about what's happening between the two people involved. Where the bi or closeted one is married to another bi or closeted person it's a big difference compared to the situation of a straight.
I remember at one point having this puzzled thought - it was some time into the marriage and I had this unexplained and barely sensed at all feeling of being a bit turned off by him - well he looks right, I thought.... you never look right to your SSA partner, you've looked wrong all the time.
So that's at the heart of it.
Both bi or closeted and well you know they are both being deceptive - level playing field.
Last night I saw a drama on the tv - The Imitation Game, I was riveted - it's about Alan Turing the man who built the machine that was the precursor to computers during WW2, when homosexuality was illegal - there's this scene where he proposes to a woman so she can stay in his team which they both want and they are best friends. But then some time later he confesses to her he is homosexual and she says yes she had thought he might be but maybe we can still get married and maybe both look outside the marriage but stay married and be best friends because we care about each other so.
And his reply? But I don't care for you.
Not a level playing field. And he understood it wasn't and he was setting her free to have a good life - he really was her friend.
- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: Help! In Honeymoon Phase!?!
Not a level playing field. And he understood it wasn't and he was setting her free to have a good life - he really was her friend.
That is so true as well. I aspire to be a better husband to her in all facets but once she came out I realized that I've hit my limit. What's weird is that part of me began asking what she sees in women, so I could emulate that. Fortunately for me, I recognized very quickly that I'm not a woman and that I want to be with someone that desires me as the man I am. That's not an attack against her, but a statement of myself. I am a man, and will continue to be. If she wants to remain in this marriage then she has to be content with being married to a man.
As for her part, she says she finds me attractive. We've been hitting the gym for almost a year now, and she has noticed that I've been getting stronger. There will always be a part of me that thinks shes lying (to me or herself), but I have no choice but to take the statement at face value. I would drive myself crazy reading into it.
That drama you watched really hits home. Sometimes I wish that she would just come completely out and we could divorce. Just pull the bandaid off and get it over with. Like it would be the ultimate act of mercy and love. But I also know that we both don't want to throw away our 20+ years together.
Pearl, I hope everything is going better for you. Please keep us updated if you can. We can all benefit from sharing our stories. If for no other reason than to get it off your chest. Having a place to open up about this has been helpful, even if it seems like nothing in my life has changed because of it.
- Pearl
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Re: Help! In Honeymoon Phase!?!
Thanks Lost. You're very right, just typing it out helps. No new information for me yet. Still in the honeymoon phase and having sex once or twice a day. He made a kind of remark to the effect that I had to keep it up to keep him satisfied. He wants at least 3x a week. I teach full time and have 2 kids. I don't see how I can manage it all. I'll try, but I don't see that working. Now it's usually once a week, when the kids go to Grandmas. I asked if he wanted to explore his gay side (he came out as Bi a few weeks ago). I mentioned a therapist. He begrudgingly said he should get one. He said he more attracted to women than men, and me most of all. But I'm sure he watches gay porn. He's always been very sexual. His XGF said he was addicted.
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Thread Starter- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: Help! In Honeymoon Phase!?!
I have a higher libido than my wife but once or twice a day would wear me out. You are a good sport! ☺️
That being said, I don't think it's abnormal for partners to not have the same level of sex drive, so I do not hold it against my wife (before or even after disclosure). Sex is important, but is only accounts for a small portion of our relationship.
We had a very short honeymoon phase and it only resulted in us increasing to about 3 times a week. We're back now on a once a month kinda deal (we've never talked about a particular schedule, just when the mood hits us). It's like a time for us to reconnect and where all 5 love languages are on full display.
I haven't talked to her about lesbian sex, but I have done some research (like legit stuff, not like watching porn) in the hopes of being accommodating. It may mean that we don't do insertion that particular day, and honestly, sometimes it's better. Also, I can't really enjoy sex unless she is enjoying it too, so there's that 😂.
- Pearl
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Re: Help! In Honeymoon Phase!?!
Does anyone know of any books that would help in our situation?
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Thread Starter- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: Help! In Honeymoon Phase!?!
I read "An impossible marriage" by Laurie and Matt Krieg. It may not be a perfect fit for you considering the situation is reversed (lesbian wife straight husband). It deals more with the therapy side of things, and may help you gain a better understanding of the struggles MORs face. I felt like wasn't heavy handed in its approach, and for the most part doesn't favor one spouse or the other.
Conversely, the Christian messaging IS heavy handed at times. If you do not subscribe to that faith then you may want to consider a different book.
As a Christian I did appreciate it not falling into the same traps as a lot of Christian media when it comes to homosexuality. They weren't trying to "pray the gay away". They were trying to reconcile their marriage through their faith in Christ.
Other than that, I've heard "With sprinkles on top" mentioned a few times, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I believe Alex could tell you more.
Last edited by Lostandconfused1234 (Today 10:27 am)