Honestly - I'm on the fence in the whole thing.

I have done graduate work in diversity training and different minority groups. I have worked in various capacities and rolls working with the healthcare industry on training staff. And I have worked and treated many LGBTQ.

When everything happened with my was-band, the backlash I faced from more people than I would have expected about how I felt and thought about everything was completely demoralizing. It was a slap in the face to see the double standard. That, just because he was gay, people gave him a pass on being a despicable and abusive person. It took a very long time to even remotely start to recover from the added betrayal, on top of the original spousal betrayal. I ended up not only leaving my job, I left that area of work entirely (for my own mental health).

I really don't think any of this is as "simple" as being an ally, supporting whomever or anything of the sort. Just from my own research and experience I think the real problem is that the LGBTQ thing has gone completely insane, and due to extreme views, insane extremists and a fear shoved down the throat of the general public to say anything that could potentially be not politically correct.....we have ended up with a situation where a group of people are trying to run society with no checks and balances.

Meanwhile, legitimate research is being squashed, or can't get funding, because it doesn't fit the current political climate. Scientists are getting death threats for publishing anything that doesn't fit the extreme views. And everything is getting extremely skewed.

For example - hormone blockers and surgery in minors. There is a growing body of research that has been done to show that those who aggressively transition as minors regret their decision to do so. And that there are serious issues with the automatic "gender affirming" approach that is being forced onto everyone.

Does this mean that trans people shouldn't be able to transition? No. Do a large percentage of people take this as an attack on trans people? Yes.

This in turn distorts the science and ultimately hurts these people. Because it has become all about politics. 

Personally - I am not in agreement with non-reversible methods being used with minors, because I feel there is too much room for coercion, peer pressure, family pressure, mental health concerns and a whole other myriad of things to impact on a minor, without them realizing it. I believe we need a hell of a lot more research and support from mental health professionals in this area, and just plain support for kids, before we start operating on anyone. To ensure we are not doing more harm than good. Should I ever voice this anywhere I would automatically be called transphobic.

I have been called biphobic and homophobic for stating that I would not date a bisexual man. That I am only interested in those who identify as straight. This is my own personal sexual preference. From responses I have received, you would think I was personally trying to dismantle the entire LGBTQ community. Again, I am sure these are those with more extreme views - but it highlights the underlying issue. Those who are LGBTQ scream about having the choice to date and love those who they want. But apparently no one else is allowed to.

I did ask someone who was quite aggressive and in your face (and took it very personally that there are women out there who would not date bi men) how is this any different than trying to dictate that a lesbian should be attracted to men, because I say so. Apparently that is "not the same thing".

So - am I an ally? At this moment in time - no.

Do I wish ill will on anyone in the community - no. Would I go out of my way to hurt someone in the community - no. I would just like to live my life and be left alone. I am tired of it constantly being shoved in my face (where I live, it is never ending....next year they have announced that summer is going to be pride season. I am still baffled by why they need a season). 

I think society is going to run into a lot of issues and that there are going to be a lot of confused and really screwed up young people coming up in the next few generations. But, it's not my battle to fight. I feel for those who are genuinely concerned about what is happening, and end up being attacked and having their families threatened, because they are asking questions that aren't popular.

As for straight spouses - I think we are a group of incredibly empathetic and kind people. And I think those qualities were used against us. And that we have truly suffered an abuse and tragedy that is completely swept under the rug by society. It took me years to not just feel like a piece of trash that had been discarded. I have questioned my entire sense of self. Lost all of my self esteem. And have even questioned ending my own life several times, from the devastation of the betrayal. I will never be the person I was before. I have lost everything I have ever loved. And I struggle to get up every day and carry on. And my former husband of 20 years never even apologized, took accountability for anything and blamed me for ruining his life.

Until someone has lived this experience, they can just stop trying to shove the rainbows down our throats. I have yet to see a straight spouse that wishes the entire LGBTQ community harm, but I would say we are all battle weary and getting tired of being told we have to actively jump through hoops to show our support. I think a lot of us are neutral more than anything.

I'd be curious to hear what others think on the subject.

I'm 4 months post disclosure so I don't know if I have the proper level of experience to expound on the subject.

I understand that the community at large pushes the idea of SSA normalcy to combat hatred and homophobia that it has endured in times past. I do not hold it against them for wanting a safe space to be their true selves but I can see how it could pull people away from their spouses to feel a place of belonging. That being said, my wife is not SSA because of their community, nor books, nor movies, nor shows, or even pornography. She is inherently attracted to people of the same gender. Her choice to have an affair is the decision (albeit a shitty one) she made of her own accord. And yes, just like in most communities, the LGBTQ community has good people and shitty people (those who would cheat regardless of gender). I'm not going to blame a community for the failings of it parts. I have visited sections of reddit that promote women leaving their husbands for other women, but again, I understand that reddit is a small sample of the overall community. Furthermore, the only ones posting those messages are the ones who actually left (either having cheated or not, makes no difference) and the ones reciprocating/commenting are imo, the ones looking to leave (hopefully without cheating). Their sexuality makes no difference to their predisposition to leave. Its just a means to an end.

I have no hate towards my wife for being SSA, but I do take issue with infidelity. I'm at the point now where I feel like if she wants a divorce to explore her SSA then so be it, but I absolutely will not support her through that process. There are enough groups and communities to assist LGBTQ individuals. If she wants to stay, then WE will have to stay in the closet together. I'm ok with the fantasy, but I won't entertain infidelity or non-monogamy.

In summary, I can't say that I'm not an ally because I still love my wife who is SSA and want to be with her and be HER ally, but I can't say that I intend to immerse myself in the community either. If she ends up cheating on me and we get a divorce, I won't hold it against the community. There are plenty of LGBTQ individuals who have a disdain of infidelity.

I feel most of us are allies. We recognize that societal discrimination against the LGBQ+ community caused many of our spouses to hide in heterosexual marriages. While it is wrong that they chose to do this, if society was more welcoming to LGBQ+, the need for future generations to hide will reduce and there will be less of us experiencing this betrayal and hurt. 

So yes, I am an ally and will defend anyone who wants to live an authentic life whether gay, straight, trans, etc. I promote honesty and living their truth to protect future generations from this hurt. 

I like my gay/lesbian friends.  I don't want them to be singled out and discriminated against because they are gay/lesbian.  I care about their wellbeing.  If that's what is meant by "ally," then I'd say I am an ally.  But it seems to me that in these days of hierarchies of oppression, "allyship" means something else, more along the lines of "can do no wrong."   And in that sense, I am not "an ally." 

I don't have trans friends, and don't want any, because I have an ex who declared he was trans.  The details of my life with him, and the evolution of my thinking after that are here on this forum for anyone who wants to search for my posts.  I have sympathy for those who suffer from gender dysphoria, but I am a gender critical feminist, and I oppose the kind of trans rights activism that seeks to redefine "woman" to include males, and to open women's sex based spaces to males, so I am by definition and inclination emphatically not a trans ally.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 26, 2024 10:15 pm)

I don't think the closet is about hiding from homophobia, I think it's all about tricking a straight into marriage - my sense of things is that the closet came first, then came the homophobia.
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Have to say I do particularly like gay men who are just honest about themselves.  But I'm unprintable on the topic of the ones who are capable of using another human being to build their closet with.  Did he care about my needs at all?  answer not one whit.


   




 

Last edited by lily (November 27, 2024 4:34 pm)