Confusedpartner wrote:

hi,
I just wanted to come here and update. I feel a piece of shit what he did with me at the end. He filed and manipulated me to give him what he wanted with our finances. He didn't tell me he had an attorney until the end of mediation and then changed everything according to his wish. My attorney was a dumb ass and didn't support me. He treated me bad emotionally in the process and at the end I just signed the papers and gave him what he wanted. He played smart and blamed me throughout and put conditions for reconciliation when he knew I won't agree to by cutting off my family. Since I signed, I am feeling so ashamed of myself that I could stand my ground and let him win again. He used me and wasted my time. On top of this, my fertility needs attention, and I really wanted a family for myself.  I don't know if I can survive this and I want to end my life. He took my dreams and ripped my soul apart and all I wanted was clarity on physical intimacy after waiting for so long. He is threatening me that I can't reach out to his family and mutual friends and put a clause on that in the agreement. I can face myself and feel what wrong did I do to experience all this. Even though after his discard, I am free but I don't see a future. Will I ever have my family? I always wanted two kids and here I am picking pieces of my broken soul. Please help. 

sorry to hear that.  getting done over in the divorce is a whole extra helping of emotional abuse.  On the plus side he is now out of your life.  And you know what happened to you, your life is not over yet.  Maybe long walks in the countryside, the rhythmic exercise absorbs the emotional energy and gives you space to have a thought and getting out into nature, well there's just nothing like it.  Just getting my hands in the earth doing a bit of weeding soothed my soul.  I am lucky enough to live near the Pacific Ocean so lots of swimming and long walks on the beach in the rain.  One step, one thought, one feeling at a time.