Words of advice - slow down and take a deep breath.

Why are you in deep trouble? What do you mean about not wanting to hurt anyone?

When did you separate? Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer? Are you living in separate homes? How has that been going?

What have you done to help with the psychological trauma from all of this?

Take a deep breath. And ignore any "developed feelings". The last thing you need right now is to get into a relationship. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your kids. 

1) Ensure you have stable housing, an independent bank account, tentative plan for how to proceed and ensure stability for your kids.

2) Speak with a divorce lawyer - set up an official separation agreement (if you haven't already) that covers child or spousal support, and outlines custody and all the other million things that are required to sort out.

3) Get in therapy, not a relationship. It is going to take time to sort yourself out. And you need to make sure you take care of yourself first, so you can provide a much needed buffer for your kids as all of you go through all of this.

Use this board for advice, support and ask all the questions. There is a lot of good advice from people who have gone through this, and seen it all now. Set up a support system for yourself - talk to family & friends. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And keep taking one step at a time - as hard as this is, you will get through it.

That's great that you are independent - do you have a formal separation agreement? And have custody/support in writing? That tends to be the contentious and expensive part.

Filing for divorce is traumatic. It's a level of finality that is gut wrenching.

For a lot of people, 6 months is still fresh. Where I live, you can't even file until you've been separated for over a year. You don't have to file this second - take your time to sort out how you are feeling and what is troubling you. There isn't a time frame for any of this, you do what works best for you.

By the sounds of your post - there are a lot of unresolved emotions still there. They are not going to go away if you don't deal with them, and deal with them in a healthy manner. Which is stupid hard, and takes a lot of time. It will take however long it takes. Try to lighten up the pressure on yourself and cut yourself some slack. It's ok to not be ok. And it will all take however long it takes to get sorted out.

You got this.

Don't feel stupid -- all of us have been there.

Just remember that it's better for kids to be from a broken home than to remain in one.  You need to move forward from this awful relationship so you can devote your energy toward yourself and your kids rather than a gay husband you are incapable of keeping happy and is incapable of keeping you happy.

Maybe you're having trouble filing because you'll feel like the divorce is your fault if you file.  Maybe you're having trouble filing because when you said your wedding vows, you meant them.  However, you were duped by a talented con man.  The only way forward is to break away.

Good luck.  You've got this!

 

Lostperson wrote:

.......The other issue is I started developing feelings for a friend which is crazy timing and I don't want to hurt anyone...there is enough misery in this world.

 

38 years ago I developed feelings for somebody....I was in a bad/unhappy/violent marriage. I thought I'd found my saviour. Turned out he was bisexual/gay/liked cock. But didn't realise what it did to me until many years later. 

My advice to you is think about your children and yourself....not a man you have feelings for. He's not important 
in the scheme of what's happening to you. If it's meant to be this guy will understand, be patient....wait.
But (and I'll be frank) if it's your libido talking....accept him as a fuck-buddy but have clear boundaries.

Elle
 

Lost,

I feel these spouses divorced us long ago with their choices and keeping their same sex attraction secret.. 

As for the final filing of the divorce ..I feel it's pomp and circumstance..a consequence of their actions which they knew.

Wishing you strength and courage.