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1 of 1- life is on
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My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
Hello, first of all, I am grateful that this site exists.
And I would like to express my gratitude to those who have left comments.
My head is getting a lot more organized now, but sometimes I feel dizzy and like I can't breathe.
Since I am not a native English speaker, this sentence was translated by Google, so please understand that there may be some awkward parts.
I have been married for 6 months, and I dated for 5 years and got married. we are both mid of thirty.
1. I found traces of texting with many bar girls and ladyboys last winter. I am in an Asian country, and it seemed like he met them through an illegal bar. I was very shocked, but I decided to believe him when he said there was no sexual intercourse and that he was just curious.
He asked about the money with the pros and seemed to be talking on a strange messenger. Also, at that time, I didn't know what a ladyboy meant.
2. Our relationship started with his active courtship, and it seemed like there were no problems at first. He has no feminine side at all, and he doesn't have the typical gay body grooming style. However, he never finishes sex and always stops in the middle. He can finish with oral sex, so I did it instead.
Now that I think about it, I think he can't finish with sex with women. Also, we are currently sexless, having sex once every two months.
3. I was so anxious that I snooped his phone periodically, but I couldn't find it. While looking through his emails, I found his emails from 10 years ago, and I found emails about hooking up with M4M/femboy/ladyboy. He said he was interested in anal sex and rimming, and the partner in the email was a man. They talked about their height and weight in the emails. When I saw this, I thought he was gay, but I also found traces of threesomes with women.
4. I found out that he contacted a transsexual account that advertised as Kinky Toy Sub last year. I can't see the content, but I think he asked about the price. I also confirmed that he asked for prices for femboy maid service 6 months after starting a relationship with me.
The question here is, is he gay? Or is he bi sexual?
Why did he bring me, who lives in a foreign country, to his country to get married? If I ask him, won't he answer?
I know this question is meaningless. I want to end this relationship,
but I'm so devasted as to how to define the 5 years I've been with him.
He doesn't know that I know this. Should I tell him about this? Or should I just end it for another reason?
It hurts so much, but it hurts even more because it seems like I'm the only one who's hurting.
Last edited by life is on (September 20, 2024 12:18 am)
- Ordinary guy
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Re: My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
Hi there,
Questions first. Is he gay, or is he bisexual?
Answer: He isn’t straight. I think he is more interested in the sexual perversion of gender if anything. It could be that he is sexually attracted to male anatomy in a physical sense. He could be attracted to transsexual women due to internal transgender issues himself. He could be gay in denial and the use of transgender women as an image that allows him to engage in homosexual activity while allowing him to still see his sexual partner as a woman. Again, it may be multiple things, but straight is not one of them.
Why did he bring you to this country and marry you?
Only he knows. You could ask him. But, do you expect anything to change in the way he is?
If this man is hurting you emotionally then end it. You are not under an obligation to accept what you feel is unacceptable to you. I think you would find life a lot more enjoyable and rewarding with a heterosexual man who exercised his masculinity in concert with your femininity for mutual benefit. Not just in a physical sense, but more importantly, in an emotional sense. Stop the hurt. Be yourself unto yourself.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Malex
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Re: My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
Hi, my story is similar to yours. Around 8 years of what I thought was a toxic relationship, but in reality, I had no chance (since well- I am not what he wants I assume, I am not a man). I saw a video at the beginning of our relationship of a naked 'fem-man' but I was so oblivious, that I didn't realize what I was looking at. In any case, 3 months into our relationship he cheated on me with whom I know now is a transexual. He disclosed this many many years later, I think he was trying to make me believe that since that transexual is considered a woman, in some twisted way, he may have thought it was a better explanation. Two or 3 years later, I caught him at a gay hotel (He told me when he does cocaine he has these drives, but they are only sexual, still claiming he is not gay). Then later, I saw videos of him giving a BJ to a man. He claims he only does it for "pay". He also wanted me to peg him (which I didn't) but I did use the toys he wanted me to on him. He also was into threesomes (Two men and one woman). I never did any of those things, but when we would break up, he would do them. I was supposed to be the 'Woman of his dreams" and he wanted to have kids and marry. I loved/love this man. I am/was obsessed with this man, but I somehow couldn't bring myself to fully commit knowing this and adding to that his narcissistic ways and the rollercoaster of our relationship. Fast forward 8 years, we broke up on January 9th, and on March 15th he had already gotten a woman pregnant. So 3 weeks after we broke up, he got a woman pregnant. Funny enough, before the pregnancy announcement, they broke up 1.5 months into the relationship because she saw videos of him with a man. After the pregnancy announcement, while he already had a child on the way, I met with him to talk and out of curiosity I checked his WhatsApp and he had been talking to a transexual to meet with her/him.
Anyhow- I don't have the answer for you, but I can tell you I TRIED everything in order to make this relationship work and it didn't. He has never stopped liking men, fem-men, and transexuals. Maybe if I had pegged him and let him have sex with men and threesomes it may have worked but that is not who I am nor who I wanted as my partner.
Mine still swears that he is not gay, he accepts that he is bisexual (but he is closeted). I am not sure if he is gay or not.. but the point is that rollercoaster was making me sick and I chose to stay no -contact. What i can tell you, is to prioritize yourself and strategize your exit.
Last edited by Malex (September 19, 2024 6:55 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
Dear Life is On: I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Asking questions like the ones you're asking is a normal early reaction to what you have learned about your husband.
Question #1: In the end, what he "is"--how he defines his sexuality--does not change the reality that he is not what he presented himself to be. If he's deeply in denial or closeted, he may not even be able to define himself, or how he defines himself may change over time. What's crucial is that you know what is acceptable for you, and act on it. Trying to figure out exactly how to define his sexuality can keep you stuck when the healthier alternative is to get away.
#2: A man who has lied about the basics of his sexuality and continues to hide he sexual activities from you is unlikely to give you an honest answer to "why did you marry me and move me to another country?" The most likely answer is that he wanted what is called a "beard," a heterosexual woman who would give him a public persona of "happily married heterosexual man." No doubt he also enjoys the domestic labor you perform for him. There's a phrase for that, too: "a wife appliance." He wants the public benefit of appearing normal, and he enjoys what you do to take care of things.
#3: I would strongly advise you not to confront him until you have talked to a lawyer about divorce and your rights, and know what course of action you are planning to take. You are not likely to get the truth from someone who has lied and continues to lie and hide his sexuality from you. That he does not know that you know is a strategic advantage for you; don't give it away. You are more likely to be helped by talking to a therapist than to him.
Again, so sorry. he has done this to you.
- life is on
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Re: My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
To Ordinary gay,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You're right; he is not heterosexual. I wonder why I’ve been ignoring this for so long. Maybe I just didn't want to know and chose to look the other way. I cried for a while, but I won’t cry anymore. I had many questions, but as I keep thinking, I’ve decided not to ask any more. I feel like it's beyond my understanding. I will let go of what I cannot accept and end this relationship. I wish you peace and happiness in your future as well.
Last edited by life is on (September 20, 2024 12:56 am)
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Thread Starter- life is on
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Re: My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
To OutofHisCloset,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I’ve realized that the important thing is my understanding that I cannot accept this. I truly appreciate it. Just a few days ago, I wanted to ask him questions and seek understanding, and I desperately wanted an apology. However, I think the chances of him answering are low, and even he might not know the exact reasons himself. So, I’ve decided to let this go here. I believe that not knowing the truth may actually protect me. Thank you for clarifying everything so clearly. I sincerely wish you happiness in your future.
Last edited by life is on (September 20, 2024 12:57 am)
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Thread Starter- life is on
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Re: My husband is seeking for femboy/transgender
To Malex,
Thank you for your comment. I hope you have found peace by now.
Hearing about your experience makes things a bit clearer for me.
I realize that I can never change him. For a few days, I thought he might change, perhaps believing he had because of me. But as time passed, I understood how foolish I was. Still, my heart isn’t completely sorted out yet.
I need time as well. However, the need for time to process my feelings and the decision to let him go are two completely separate matters, so please don’t worry. I will move on from him, prioritizing my own heart in the process. Wishing you happiness. I will pray for you with all my heart.
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Thread Starter