Wow this is a big wake-up call for a woman in her 20s...a woman who can definitely see (and feel) the conflict between loving a man and being uneasy about the ways he wants you to express that love.

I remember one time my former partner asked me to anally use a toy on him. I just couldn't do it. It made me feel, well, sick to my stomach. I had spent years wanting to please him and he exploited that love by focusing on his needs.
Once I'd said "no!" that time it became easier to express my feelings about the stuff I didn't like.

We place so much importance on being the women men want us to be that we end up losing who we are. And really...once you give an inch to a bi/gay-in-denial man he'll take a mile, and then he'll expect you to walk that mile in slutty clothes with promises to love you forever if you just do what he wants.

So Munchkin.... Stand tall, breathe deeply and decide once and for all where your boundaries are. Find yourself before it's too late and you're married, with babies.

Edited to add .. who cares if he's a sex addict OR gay in denial? What matters is you and how you feel..!

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 15, 2024 1:02 pm)

Glad to hear you have broken up with him, good for you - he sounds like he's both gay in denial and a sex addict.  He sounds like he's highly manipulative and selfish to a degree.

Wanting to be pegged indicates he is a submissive gay man doesn't it?

 

Munchkin,  There must be a ‘playbook’ out there, the script is familiar. Your story has a lot of similarities with mine I don’t believe in diagnosing/labeling, unless you are a professional.  
My supposed hetero male partner, revealed after 15 yrs together, during sex when he had difficulty performing that he was “maybe gay”.  Explained had adolescent gay sex & loved it. This was news to me. After he said that, he brought up his anal sex toys, that I didn’t know he had, and explained he wanted me to use these on him. Of course I felt uncomfortable, but complied with his instructions. Told me I should get a strap on.  From then on, our normal way of sex started changing.  Entire focus was being submissive, being a woman, wearing lingerie during sex, uttering was a queen, a slut, majority of anal play and entire role play.
Little satisfaction on my part.  There was a period of sexual craze on his part after years of little sex.  Later I learned he also watched TG porn in private.
Sure, supposedly he said I was his girl, one and only, important to him.  Yet he was seeking other friendships, when he decided that he was MTF, after changing labels multiple times.  I had 2 episodes of an STI, and he adamantly denied being unfaithful.  A year later, he confessed that he did have sex w/ women and a MTF person. I was to blame for the demise of our relationship as I didn’t get a strap on and didn’t like/ and didn’t do anal play correctly.  He also used this sudden depression thing, when he sensed I was going to leave.  
Other tactics were manipulation, gaslighting and blameshifting.  Like you, I believed..this person needs to be happy and live their true sexuality, whatever that may be.  Even though he didn’t want to lose me, I had to sever our relationship.  
Elle is right, what a wake up call.  It’s a shock and unbelievable, isn’t it!  It will take a little time to get over this mindf@ck experience.  Is he GID or a sex addict? Who cares, he’s not for you if he doesn’t care about your feelings, is defensive and uses manipulation and gaslighting.  Sending you a hug.  

Munchkin, Most of us thought we were alone going through the mind boggling experience, until we tried searching for answers and landed on Our Path formerly Straight Spouse Network.  It is the only place that is supportive where people that have walked in your shoes understand.  
A lot of us have had ‘gut’ feelings something was off and/or noted changes of behavior. Some of us had to resort to checking phone records etc when all we received from our spouse was denial.  Some of us haven’t had proof.
I also tried to support him during his sexuality confusion.  How long did I stay?  Too long.  We had a house together, I bought him out.  I did the No Contact. Until he weaseled his way, by crocodile tears, remorse and desperately wanting to be ‘just friends’ due to history etc.  Eventually he manipulated his way into more than just friends and slowly the emotional abuse, gaslighting, drama and defensiveness started again.  All while he acted like a crazed teen on HRT and became a “woman”, self obsessed and self absorbed. Still secret life like being on a dating site.  Enough of the crazy train.

lily wrote:

I hope some straight men weigh in but from what I understand being pegged is not something a straight man wants anymore than a straight woman is going to want to do it to him.  I don't think it's something to be taken lightly, there are profound emotions involved.

and cuckolding?  for heaven's sake.  I can understand a gay man liking that fantasy on the basis that it brings another man into the bedroom but a straight man?   if he loved his wife wouldn't it be very painful emotionally?

I apologize to the OP as her question really wasn't about how common the pegging or cuckolding fantasies were, but I would like to respond.

Let's not speculate, Lily. If you would like some statistics, consult your local sexologist or a sex therapist. I have.

Here's some statistics from Bedbible.com on cuckold fantasies:
-35% of men are either “interested” or “very interested” in trying cuckoldry
-6 out of 10 men have fantasized about it whereas only 3 out of 10 women have
-Searches on “Cuckold” on porn websites have increased by 57% in the last 3 years

Here's a CNN article with some stats:
https://edition.cnn.com/2013/02/28/health/kerner-normal-bedroom-behavior/index.html

On anal play:
- 44% of men have had heterosexual anal intercourse (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4949144/#:~:text=Heterosexual%20anal%20intercourse%20(HAI)%20is%20not%20an%20uncommon%20behavior%20with,in%20their%20lifetime%20(1).)
- 60% of straight men have fantasized about being on receiving or the giving end of anal sex while 40% of women have fantasized about giving anal sex to their male partners (see “Tell Me What You Want” by Dr. Justin Lehmiller)

This doesn't mean it is for everyone or that anyone should feel pressured to doing any of this!