walkbymyself wrote:

. ,....You are hereby officially designated The Adult In The Room. .......If someone is single and wants to keep their gay identity a secret, it's their own choice -- but once you have a wife and FIVE kids, it's not "your" secret -- it's the family's own narrative....
  Don't give him an out, give him a deadline.  

 
Your advice is the best Walk. I know it comes from a place of strength. I think we all get to it at some point, that moment of separating ourselves emotionally from a r'ship... and focusing on those who need us

Elle

Hi Eleanor:  One of the most important jobs for us as parents is to model healthy relationships for our kids to build upon when they become spouses and parents themselves.  You've got a non-straight husband, so you've set yourself up for an impossible task on that front.  It's better for kids to be from a broken home rather than to remain in one.

I hated the idea of being stripped of 50% of my time with my kids.  This wasn't my fault, and it wasn't theirs either.  It was the fault of their mom who lacked the courage to be who she truly is by secretly dragging me into her closet.  However, it was also better for me to be an awesome dad 50% of their time rather than a suffering dad during 100% of their time.

Good luck.  This is really, really hard.  I promise you that life on the other side of the closet door is so, so much better, even though blowing the hinges off the closet door is painful as hell.

Hi Eleanor,
I’m just where you are in terms of my head knowing the marriage won’t work as my husband and I have such different sexualities at this point- & the long cozy history of making dinner together in our kitchen bringing comfort when we are together as a family.. I’ve been in an ambivalent place for 4 years since discovery, & while we’ve separated I’m not feeling resolution of the uncertainty and confusion.i think part of the difficulty is separating from this person who I’ve loved and raised a family with, and part of it is tearing up our home, family rituals, extended family relationships and 401ks.   I really feel for (& with) you. I appreciate all of you offering hope who are further down the recovery road.

I love the thought that working toward a healthy situation for yourself will be most healthy for your children too, & model for them how to grow and adapt to life’s sometimes hard realities. I’m sure we would never want any of our children to someday  stay in a relationship that depletes them, that undermines rather than builds their confidence.

Last edited by Jupiter1 (August 28, 2024 9:48 pm)

When I kept saying bisexual wasn't straight and he should have told me my ex did a complete backtrack.  He said he was 100% straight and when I said but what if I don't think that, his reply was that would mean I must be mentally unsound.

That was when I knew I needed to get a divorce as fast as I could.

As far as I'm concerned, I look around me now and see the mixed orientation couples who have stayed together through thick and thin.  Guess which one is crumbling first.  I literally can't think of a  couple where it is the straight who is doing well.  I find it very upsetting, people I love caught in these marriages.

There's this couple I met socially.  Before you know it she is president of the bridge club and we're all blinking at the way she bullies her husband and still at the same time she does a good job.  She's funny.  And the next thing you notice is that the exceptionally nice man who is her husband has been flourishing under it all - he's quite capable of turning the tables on her when he wants to and then, as the underlying feelings come to the fore you start to see such a different picture, they're in their 80's now and she complained about him mercilessly when he got sick we almost started to feel sorry for him again only now you can see how it works for both of them because she adores him, just as much as he adores her.

And I think it's this rich history of emotions that we just don't have without the mutual attraction - there's an emptiness left in my heart where inherently I expected to have an interplay of feeling.   

As the straight spouse we are the one who is physically attracted, who has their soul on the line.

 

EleanorIsnthere -  your story sounds very familiar. The GID Ex-husband is also a great Dad. There was no tension in our home. Kids were happy. The only person who became the sacrifice was me.  Unlike you, I asked for an Open Marriage because I was tired of not being loved. But after a few years, I realized this wasn't for me. It was me trying to accommodate him and save my family! Also, I also knew my Ex-GID already knew he was having an affair with a man (he'll deny it to this day). Fast forward, I decided to get a divorce. We sat our Children down in August 2023 to tell them that we were separated and would eventually get a divorce  (this was after we legally completed our Marital Settlement Agreement). Then we officially divorced May 2024. We continue to co-parent in the same house because my Ex also travels for work and he's been living in a separate room for over 4 years!  We are 4-months Post-official divorce, and it is just starting to smooth itself out. Of course,  my GID EX was a little mad at the beginning but he's getting over it lol. He's a great Father and would have fought with all his might IF I had tried to kick him out of our home. We both had lawyers, but we could communicate and work through the hard parts of the separation. This journey has taught me the importance of self-care and personal growth in the face of challenges.

I KNOW co-parenting in the same household will not work for many (he travels 60%). However, I realized that we have been co-parenting/roommates for over 4 years. Now I get to do it on my terms! Our kids are adjusting and we have real conversations with them on their level.  More is caught than taught so I didn't want my daughter and sons to believe Mom and Dad living in separate rooms were normal. This is why I adamant that we should tell the children last year -2023! My GID Ex objected but I spoke with our then, marriage counselor. She recommended to tell the children the truth (on their level). However, I did not expose the reason for the divorce. But I will when they get older.