It's been a bit... Not much has changed, just spiraling. She's gone right now using one of her usual excuses to leave. My son, the other night coming home late after church, said, seeing her car "Mommies home, Mommy will always be home", to which my daughter both rolled their eyes. Trying to hold it together and be positive for them. Staying late at church to let our homeschooled kids play as long as other kids were there I find myself standing around with the remaining adults, our preacher and his wife, a young couple and 3 single women, 1 of which i've always found that I have a lot in common with... but have kept my distance out of respect to my wife and her... after a while realizing it's not that I'm married anymore, but I'm unsingle. eventually walking away to just sit alone in the lobby while the kids played. 
Fitting in anywhere is always difficult for me. I find it hard to relate to most people, never been much for sports or typical male group topics, there's one woman I share common interests with, I could talk for hours given the opportunity, archeology, art, history, "nerdy" movie series/media, but that wouldn't be appropriate for an unsingle man. My wife was the social one. If we were invited somewhere, it was usually thru her. now, unless it's a small group meeting or a larger holiday party, not so much. Slowly, over the years, she would find reasons to cut off certain women at church with some excuse or other, usually wives of guys I could actually hang out with. They'd be too type A, to neurotic, too dramatic, or clingy... one of which had gone thru an abusive relationship and just needed friends... but no, too needy. Eventually she'd only hang out with the much younger single women excluding me entirely. They didn't have husbands or kids to affect their schedules, their attention was wide open. The last time she was at church, we were outside letting the kids play with others, and the last woman from church she had any contact with, a mid-30s rather attractive woman... she was talking too, like that really awkward guy that's got a big crush but no game... By then, I already knew and it was easy to see. 

My work's been suffering, it's hard to focus, to be creative as a designer. Occasionally I'll take a project I otherwise shouldn't, just hoping I can focus, have some inspiration, or something. 

Still, i sit here waiting on something. I don't know what, I keep pushing it back, as if something will change, but I know it's only getting worse. Spoke with another lawyer a couple weeks ago. It was more hopeful than previous, waiting has allowed me to document more which will be helpful, but it still comes down to 50/50, kids, money, etc. Any hope for more custody is going to be fought post-divorce. 

I've got travel next month for a conference, followed by my middle child turning 13, then 2 weeks later my oldest turns 18. I want them to be able to enjoy those, so i'm hesitant to do anything before then.... Then of course, my oldest will graduate, Do I wait for that? I don't know. Home schooled, so not the same as a big ceremony. 

The first 4 months after finding out, I lost 35 pounds from stress. Got on an antidepressant, then gained back 60+. I eventually quit the med, the side effects were worse than it's benefits. I'd reached a point I was just uncomfortable sitting still, bought a new scale and I was 20lbs heavier than I'd ever been and 40% body fat. Joined a gym and of course they wanted to do the free eval with me with the hard sell for a personal trainer. Usually I'd say no, but this time I didn't. I've been going 3 times a week, been doing their tracker app, been getting my steps in whenever possible... 3 miles+ even in 8 degree (F) temps. A month later, I'm down 12lbs or so and feeling better. Still a long road. 

I've watched too many videos on narcissists, and yeah, she checks just about ever box, but I check a bunch myself, given my own issues with porn, I struggle with my role in all this. Guilt is an anchor. I don't want to be alone, but I am now. I can look back and see all the signs over the years in her behavior, and how that impacted me, but how much of that was impacted by me? I lose resolve, then something happens to kick me right back into it... one wed night bible study was on divorce and remarriage, and I sat there knowing at that moment she was at a gay bar. 

Happened to text an old preacher of ours for something unrelated... and he asked how we've been, that lead to a late night conversation after a celebrate recovery meeting. He knows my past struggles, he's also saw her behavior getting more and more distant before he left. He has a personality much like Mr Rogers, He was very understanding and supportive of whatever I have to do. Nothing tears me up quicker than someone like him telling me I'm a good man, and a good father. I can usually keep it together... even joke (coping mechanism) about it, but that hits me everytime someone says that. 

I'm torn too. As I approach lobbing this grenade, how to I make sure my daughter have the support they need? I've read/heard that it's healthier to go on and divorce than to try to wait it out "for the kids" to be out of the house as they won't have the same support group if they leave for college with close friends, family etc... especially with the influences of college. Being homeschooled, and somewhat issolated from her just not keepign them involved, the younger women at church really are the best support they are going to have. How much should I tell them? This includes the one with common interests... I realize I'm in a position to paint this however I want, and that's not healthy, but enough to let them know it's going to be hard and they'll need support? 

That's where I've been... just spiraling. 
 

Rob wrote:

My advice is to do what you have to do but don't make yourself sick enduring it for the kids..  Just be the most consistent and constant thing in their life.. stoically true to your word..   

That's ultimately what I know I need to do. The oxygen mask moment. If I can't breathe, I can't do anything to help them. 

Our company just switched payroll systems. The new one lets us set up direct deposit to multiple accounts without having to go thru HR, So I've been getting accounts ready and moving money into specific accounts tied to mtg, car loan, etc. Forcing a budget if she's unwilling to cut back. So far, she's already cost us (from our joint account... ie my income) $170 in overdraft fees this month and spent $235 eating out with friends.. and $318 on gas because she decided without asking that she would do food delivery (which is a great cover for other activities)... without putting a dime she makes back into that account. 

The narcissist videos say controlling access to money is a common trait, but at this point, it's out of survival. 

Looking at a Child support calculator for our state, at 50% custody, Support would be cheaper than she's costing me now potentially as much as half. But that's assuming they'll make her get a real job. 

I've got a bonus coming in a couple months. I'm hoping it'll be enough to pay off her car. With the amount of debt we have, i can leverage our equity against the shared dept to buy her out of the house and being able to offer her the car out right should help. I may not plan to keep the house long term, would love to be debt free and downsize, but would prefer to do that on my terms and pace and let the kids adjust in their own home.... but I know that's likely wishful thinking. 

Well.... again the last 2 nights, she used food delivery to cover her whereabouts, outright lying to the kids. At least 2 gay bars one night... and some guy's apt that she texts with often the other... There's 2 other guys she frequently texts that often line up with when she goes out, but I can only find details on one that i'm pretty sure is probably gay.