Hi, I was in a marriage for 20 years. I was married young and very naive, very sheltered evangelical.

During the end of our marriage and after our divorce, I know there was an enormous amount of gaslighting and looking back, I can see that it was there and I had no idea at the time.I'm still in counseling going on 4 years for C-PTSD, and I often entertain an idea that my ex-husband was deeply closeted gay. I think partly I entertain this because it makes everything make sense, and partly because I can hold a tremendous amount of compassion for it when otherwise I'm tempted to feel anger toward him. Here are the "clues" that I have, if one could shed some light and maybe that I may not be crazy?? 

- While we dated, ex talked about gay men a lot. He would say his heart went out to them, and how they must be marginalized, and how he feels sometimes they were molested as children. He would go back and forth between this, and making homophobic remarks. He would be mortified because was hit on by gay men a lot, flirted with. He would often comment that he didn't want people to think he was gay by a gay man talking to him.
-During dating if we were ever making out, he would tell me I needed to keep my hands to myself. However once we got married, he forcefully took me after I asked if we could wait a while as I was scared. It was just a few brutally painful thrusts and then he turned and went to sleep.
- Sex was always PIV, and he was always in the mood and often initiated, but never really asked. But it was so difficult for me. He wasn't interested in my body. I learned to hate my body even though he never directly said anything hateful. He didn't want to touch it, didn't admire it verbally, and never wanted to put his mouth anywhere. I think my breasts kinda grossed him out and he certainly never went down. Sex was minutes long and foreplay was just a bit of dry labia rubbing (sorry for the TMI). I was so young and naive I couldn't figure out why I would still be so horny all the time, yet didn't enjoy sex. I didn't have anything to compare it to.
-I remember as a newlywed thinking it felt like I was having sex with a woman. I know this seems odd, and I felt horribly guilty for it, as I had never had sex with anyone of either gender. All I know is I often had to close my eyes and black out his face to try to imagine it was different.
- He only commented on my body through other men. "Bob says you have nice legs," "Ben says he would like to be in bed with you," "Mike says he would like to wear your thighs like earmuffs." I felt he was not-jealous beyond a healthy extent, I felt as though he would happily hand me over on a silver platter. I had a coworker touching me inappropriately on a regular basis and when I told my ex, he scolded me and warned me not to say anything to the man as to make him upset: "I have to work with him, and I don't want things to be awkward," he said. He once urged me to send a racy picture to a male friend of his "as a joke."
-He seemed to really lose interest in me as a person but adored hanging out with his male friends. He was a firefighter so  was with them a lot of long hours and days at a time, but would still go on campouts and hunting trips with them. One friend in particular, he spent an inordinate amount of time with. 
-After about 3 years of marriage, I began to suffer from depression, and asked for counseling/therapy to help. I asked for it multiple times over the years, as I began to feel hopeless and severely depressed. He would discourage me from getting therapy via guilt. "I guess I must just be a terrible husband if you need therapy," he would say. I would end up reassuring him and apologizing to him for making him think that. He also would become furious if he thought I was talking about our relationship to my sister or family.
-At least 3 of his business partners, he told me everyone talked about how they were gay and he would like to befriend them. 
-Just before the divorce (lots of reasons including financial abuse), ex began spending a lot of time with one of said business partners. He would be gone overnight quite a bit, but would always make a point to tell me he wasn't with another woman and he had never been with another woman. He talked about wanting a divorce, how I was getting in the way of the lifestyle he wanted, how he wanted a motorcycle, and how I should be with someone else.
-Yet when I finally filed, he freaked out. When he moved out, he immediately began seeing someone else, who he is about to marry (divorce finalized 6 months ago). 
-He began doing strength training and body building and having lots of pills around the house for "male endurance."
-He told me he had dabbled in porn because I didn't like the jewelry he bought me when we were dating (????). He told me he had been frequenting massage parlors for hand jobs, strip clubs for lap dances. 


The thing is, I just want to move on. But I have almost lost my grip on reality feeling as though I'm insane. I feel like I'm going crazy or have already gone crazy. I am working on healing and holding it together for my two sons, but my mind won't let go of all of the confusion, so badly that I sometimes get dizzy. Everything wrong in our marriage he blamed me for and God knows I was responsible for a LOT of the crap in our marriage, I have been working so hard to heal toxic patterns and fix all of the places I caused damage. And at the same time I know I was not the only one who caused damage, but part of my mind still believes it was all me. 

Any light to shed would be much appreciated.

-Confused and Hurting