OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- phoenix615
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Open relationship questions
My husband of over twenty years and I have been trying to work out a decent compromise. He came out to me as bisexual many years ago. We have always had a great marriage, he is my person and I am his. We do not want to divorce, both of us are committed to that. In fact in recent months, our communication, relationship and love for each other has been stronger and more passionate than it has been in a while. However, he has always felt like his sexuality is fluid. For the past year, he has had a stronger attraction to men, although we still have a physical relationship. We are very affectionate, and from the outside, many people think our marriage is perfect.
I think where I struggle is he has asked me to consider an open relationship with boundaries. He does not want emotional relationship with men, but "craves" male attention sometimes. These feelings ebb and flow, where much of the time, he doesn't feel he needs it. He feels like it is completely separate and I am his central focus. He does not want an emotional relationship, just physical. As we communicate, I struggle with how this works. Are there others here that have an open relationship, even one sided, and how you set up boundaries? I say one sided because I don't have an interest in another partner. How do you compromise with each other so both feel heard?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Open relationship questions
phoenix615 wrote:
My husband of over twenty years and I have been trying to work out a decent compromise. He came out to me as bisexual many years ago....
...... how you set up boundaries? I say one sided because I don't have an interest in another partner. How do you compromise with each other so both feel heard?
Phoenix hello....I was reading the board and saw your question. I'm sorry nobody has replied!
I was in an open r'ship for 4 years. I learned my partner was bisexual and at first it seemed pretty adventurous and exciting because I thought it was something we would always do together. Slowly it became one-sided and I realised this was a part of his life I didn't want to play a part in. It was what ended our 38yr r'ship, along with my mistrust and his inability to communicate honestly.
You would have to decide whether you would be okay with your husband going off and fucking men (and other women presumably)
You can set up all the boundaries and rules you like. If you trust him you won't need to worry.....but if he told you many years ago that he was bisexual you have already lost the part of him (his physical/sexuality) you expected to be only yours forever. Keep communicating with him but listen to what your head is telling you rather than your heart.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Alex1984
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Re: Open relationship questions
Hi Phoenix,
If you want more advice on open relationships and how to set boundaries, etc. the MoR Facebook group might be helpful:
as well as this group:
AlternatePath@groups.io | Home
People seem to have all sorts of arrangements, including just casual sex on the side. Open relationships do seem to be more exciting (if it doesn't go against your values), but they are also a lot more volatile. It may strengthen an already strong relationship, but most people don't advise to venture there to "save" a relationship.
We have discussed ENM with my bi husband but for now remain monogamous as it seems too complicated and neither of us feel an acute need to search elsewhere. One of the main off-putting factors for us is the issue of "the second closet" that arise with open relationships. I hate the thought of having to hide our lifestyle from others, but don't feel I am ready to be openly polyamorous.
We are, however, still very early in our post-disclosure journey and I feel like it may come to it. In some ways, I think ideal scenario for me would be to open it up temporarily and then either re-commit, remain open and out of the "polyamory closet" or separate - whatever feels appropriate. I found reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Polysecure" quite helpful to get my head around how things might work.
Stay strong! This situation is sh*t no matter how you cut it. Silver lining - it offers heck of a lot of personal growth. I prefer to view it as an emotional/relational bootcamp. Even if my darling and I don't stay together in the end - I will become a superwoman for my next relationship 
Last edited by Alex1984 (July 1, 2024 7:05 pm)