I'm seeing a few red flags here, not just on the "is he gay" question.  

anniescott wrote:

Hi all, I've somehow recently gotten myself into a situation again with dating a man that truly confuses me. He is a 35 year old man who has not had a relationship longer than 3 months- which ended only a few months ago itself. He is extremely good looking, smart, charming, etc. Knows how to talk to women, confident, masculine and all that. He recently ghosted me and I can't tell whether I'm trying to justify the hurt of the rejection or if there could actually be something up. He was extremely affectionate, showered me in compliments, and seemed to be very attracted to me, always touching and grabbing me saying how turned on he was. He however could not keep an erection and did'n't initiate sex at all. He did seem very excited seeing me naked however and never wanted me to put clothes back on.

I tried to perform oral and he went soft. We were not able to have sex because he couldn't get an erection. He would get one for a few minutes and it would then go away, and he said that happens sometimes- that it would come and go. I've now began to internalize and blame myself for not being attractive or good enough for him. I wasn't sure if maybe he just wasn't over his ex girlfriend or wasn't actually that into me even though he constantly told me I was a "10" and out of his league. He also seemed very emotionally unavailable and kept things very casual. Many times I also felt his voice sounded a bit feminine as well. He began making excuses saying he was "tired" when I'd ask about hanging out and seemed almost bored of physical intimacy.

He definitely seemed interested in women however and was always checking out women and commenting about them when we'd watch TV. I should also mention he has pretty bad ADHD, smokes a ton of weed, and uses nicotine as well so I thought that could also contribute to the ED. Anyone have any thoughts on this? 

I'm really struggling with the rejection and am extremely confused by his behavior. He was confident commenting on other mens appearance as well, calling guys "handsome" on TV which to me means he's comfortable and not hiding anything. I'm not sure if all of these are red flags to something else going on or maybe I just cannot accept this man was not all that into me. I'm struggling so hard and any advice/thoughts would be so appreciated. He is on multiple dating apps and seems to be extremely confident and interested in dating women so I'm really just feeling like it was me not being his thing. Thanks all.
 

Of course there is another explanation. He really, really likes women. Almost too much, to the point where he would quite like to be one. So, he just likes to collect them and look at them and imagine what it would be like to be them. When did the squeaky girl voice come out? Did any of your clothes go missing at all?

Ordinary guy wrote:

Supernova wrote:

My only relationship with a woman was my wife, who turned out to be a lesbian, so take this for what it's worth. I never commented on other women's bodies to my wife, especially when we were dating, because that was a sure fire way to piss her off. I also never commented on men being handsome because I didn't care. I've never had ED, but if that was going on I would treat it as a crisis. From my experience with my wife I'd tell you to trust your intuition. My wife said all kinds of bs because she refused to accept who she was, she was good at gas lighting because she'd been gas lighting herself her whole life.

 
Yep, same here. Was told repeatedly that “Women don’t like sex”, “You are not attractive anymore”, “You need to change this or that about yourself”, Even at my age I have no ED issues whatsoever. Like you say, an ED issue like this for a heterosexual man at 35 is a crisis. I think there is something else going on here. Something beyond gay.

Ordinary guy - I like your way of explaining things. This all makes a lot of sense in my situation too. Could you explain what you mean by  “something beyond gay”. My partner has suffered ED too, he is 32 and this has happened now for around 2 years but getting progressively worse, he cannot stay hard for sex anymore. But then he blames me for coming onto him the wrong way or “when it suits me” He isn’t really treating it as a crisis and isn’t doing much about it at all.

Pinklady wrote:

Ordinary guy wrote:

Supernova wrote:

My only relationship with a woman was my wife, who turned out to be a lesbian, so take this for what it's worth. I never commented on other women's bodies to my wife, especially when we were dating, because that was a sure fire way to piss her off. I also never commented on men being handsome because I didn't care. I've never had ED, but if that was going on I would treat it as a crisis. From my experience with my wife I'd tell you to trust your intuition. My wife said all kinds of bs because she refused to accept who she was, she was good at gas lighting because she'd been gas lighting herself her whole life.

 
Yep, same here. Was told repeatedly that “Women don’t like sex”, “You are not attractive anymore”, “You need to change this or that about yourself”, Even at my age I have no ED issues whatsoever. Like you say, an ED issue like this for a heterosexual man at 35 is a crisis. I think there is something else going on here. Something beyond gay.

Ordinary guy - I like your way of explaining things. This all makes a lot of sense in my situation too. Could you explain what you mean by “something beyond gay”. My partner has suffered ED too, he is 32 and this has happened now for around 2 years but getting progressively worse, he cannot stay hard for sex anymore. But then he blames me for coming onto him the wrong way or “when it suits me” He isn’t really treating it as a crisis and isn’t doing much about it at all.

There are many reasons why a man of this age can experience difficulty in achieving and maintaining an erection. There can be physiological issues which may need to be medically resolved. There can be psychological or sexual issues to do with their histories or sexuality. It is common for gay men to understandably experience erection problems when they are in a relationship with a woman. The imagination can work wonders for this if they can manage to place themselves in an alternative reality where they can feel that they are with a man in some way. This is a very obvious reason why a man would struggle to maintain sexual desire for a woman. Gay men may even become highly sexual with a woman if they are also experiencing sexual satisfaction from a male source. It is the same mechanic experienced by partners of men who are having an extra heterosexual marital affair. They can become hyper sexual for a time. Performance anxiety and stress can also affect the attainment and reliability of a man’s erection. If this was the case, then simply talking it through can be a good starting point.
 Many autogynephiles can experience erectile problems with a female partner if the man in question actually achieves sexual gratification in the ideation fantasy rather than in the physical act of sexual intercourse. It can be difficult for them if they are sexually attracted to femininity, but not in the sense that this is through the normal sexual repose of masculinity.
The sexual needs of men are best explained by the following analogy. Men, by and large are sexually visual more than emotional. They can be turned on very quickly to be “at the ready” when an opportunity presents itself. This is why many men can be addicted to the visual world of porn, when it is very rare for women to experience this.  Women, on the other hand need more than visual cues with certain emotional conditions having to be met before they are “turned on”. The emotional conditions can be built correctly in time through touch and other senses including sound as well. Many women find that they are sexually aroused by the sound of a woman experiencing sexual pleasure. Women need to feel safe, and to feel trust as well as desire. Most men need only an opportunity. Men are like modern cars. Turn the key, and off you go. Women are like delicious cakes. The recipe has to right, along with the temperature and time. 
He may have inhibitors that prevent him from achieving or maintaining an erection. What ever they are, they are not you, or a problem with you. If he acknowledges that he has a problem and refuses to seek a resolution, then the chances are that he knows fine well what is going wrong and why. The reason why I used the phrase “Something beyond gay” before is because it sounded as if the alternative explanation would fit the scenario. The use of a girly voice, and a penchant for attraction to femininity, along with the evidence that relationships simply do not last indicate a possible link to autogynephilia. He loves women. He likes to look at them. He almost seems to collect them. He seems to bail when a woman he describes as a “10” seems to be looking for him to commit to a heterosexual relationship. Perhaps his secret needs to be kept and the chances of being discovered or revealed in a long term relationship is too much of a risk. It is a theory. But, the important thing to know is that it is not an issue with the woman in question. He may know what the issue is, but does not want it revealed.