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- Malex
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Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
I am struggling to understand my 8-year relationship which was very toxic and if I have a chance at a future with my bf. My bf is very into sex, he is amazing at it. Which is confusing when I think that he may be closeted. He was also extremely good to my son and I. The toxicity was the cheating, alcohol, controlling behavior and now- the being closeted.
So 3 months into our relationship, he cheated. I saw texts on his Apple watch. I later found out it was a Transexual woman. At that time, I also saw pictures of a naked man but I really didn't know what it was and I naively ignored it. Fast forward 8 years later, I just found a text of him texting a paid transexual for sex. Also- when we have broken up, he quickly dates women, always seems to get women quickly or he has gone to do threesomes (two man and one woman) and he claims he has had sex with men only exclusively when they pay him (Play for pay). I am to sure why he thinks this is more acceptable.
After 8 years I am very attached to him. He is very manly and has always been very good in bed. He always wants sex with me, he will go down on me for a long time and we kiss for a long time (All things that I relate with a straight man and from what I read, not related to a gay man). BUT he has asked me to use toys on him and peg him (which I refused to do). I know he loves me, he was a great partner most of the time, we see each other every day and spend nearly 24/7 together since we worked together, but it is hard for me to compete with his other desires. He wants to marry and have kids, but I am afraid he will come out gay later or that he will continue to cheat on me.
I confronted him and he says that he is not gay, that he just likes "dick' sexually like a kink.
He also told me when was 10, he used to play in the pool with his guy friends to suck each other's penis and that at 14 or so, he would do it to his best friend and vice versa, and that they would come on each other. But that it was normal 'boy ' explorative behavior.
Can someone tell me what is going on? He says he is bisexual but I am not sure I believe it. The fact that 8 years later he is still reaching out to transexuals is so confusing. We had 8 years together where we traveled, worked together, and enjoyed each other. We have recently broken up and I really miss him.
Thank you for your answers.
Last edited by Malex (July 9, 2024 2:52 pm)
- lily
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
Sorry to hear of your situation - it sucks to be in love with a narcissist. Big time. Nothing hurts like love rejected over and over and over again.
The way to get out of this situation is to stop having sex with him.
It is one thing to have great sex with someone who loves you it is another to have sex with someone whose heart is not invested in you as you are in him. It makes you very vulnerable and he isn't - your heart is on the line with a man who is cheating on you and does not care how much he is hurting you.
I think you want to know is he gay or not because you want some ground under your feet so you can know he can't deliver the love you need, whatever he says or does. Gay or bisexual, he's same sex oriented and definitely not a straight.
I know love makes you want to stand by your man whatever he is doing, and you can love and honour yourself for that, but whatever his promises, his actions already tell you everything you need to know.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
Why are you even considering a r'ship with this man?
Because you're in love?
Because he's good in bed?
Because he's younger?
Edited to add...
Because you think he'd never pass on any sexual disease to you?
I hope you, a woman who deserves more, realise what's in your future if you stay with him...
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 23, 2024 6:00 pm)
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- Alex1984
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
Hi Malex, sorry you are in this situation. Same sex experience in the past wouldn't worry me. He tried sex with men and still chose you. Bisexual men can make great husbands if you can find a way to acknowledge and satisfy his same sex attraction in your relationship. Every relationship is different in their approach, but many remain monogamous. The past cheating, however, is a big red flag. If you can work through it and rebuild trust and open communication, I wouldn't throw away a relationship
- Diff I guess
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
Gay point of view that might help.
Malex wrote:
So 3 months into our relationship, he cheated. I saw texts on his Apple watch. I later found out it was a Transexual woman. At that time, I also saw pictures of a naked man but I really didn't know what it was and I naively ignored it. Fast forward 8 years later, I just found a text of him texting a paid transexual for sex. Also- when we have broken up, he quickly dates women, always seems to get women quickly or he has gone to do threesomes (two man and one woman) and he claims he has had sex with men only exclusively for money.
Bi does exist. It is rare but the difference between gay and bi is that bi guys don't want either/or They want both. I won't give you my sailor stories by my experience with bi guys isn't that they want either/or. They want both men and women. With gay it is a guy who is almost exclusively intrested in men. He might date another woman for all sorts of reasons but it would be men, men, men and you are much more likely to have problems with affection and interest in sex.
My problem is that he is very manly and he is super good in bed. He always wants sex with me, he will go down on me for a long time and we kiss for a long time. All things that I relate with a straight man. BUT he has asked me to use toys on him and peg him (which I refused to do). I know he loves me, he is a great partner, we see each other every day and spend nearly 24/7 together, but it is hard for me to compete with his other desires. He wants to marry and have kids, but I am afraid he will come out gay later or that he will continue to cheat on me.
Some gay men can make the marines look like a bunch of sissies in the masculinity department. Not all gay men are effeminate. In my experience most are not.
I don't think he will come out as gay. I think he will continue to cheat. I won't lump all bi guys into cant be monogamous but with bi it isn't that they simply want men or simply want women. They want both. He could cheat with you with a guy, another women, transexual, or all three at the same time! If this is something you don't want or didn't sign up for it would be smarter for you not to cross the road into marriage with him.
The bi now gay latter tends to be men who are mostly to almost exclusively attract to men. They want a wife, kids, house in the burbs, white picket fence but "the gay" refuses to stay in it's closet. These guys elevate what little attraction they have towards women while trying to minimize\ignore the attraction to men.
I confronted him and he says that he is not gay, that he just likes "dick' sexually like a kink.
From what you are describing I would say that it goes beyond just a kink.
He also told me when was 10, he used to play in the pool with his guy friends to suck each other's penis and that at 14 or so, he would do it to his best friend and vice versa, and that they would come on each other. But that it was normal 'boy ' explorative behavior.
Maybe I am just old but at 10 that is more than what I would have known to do. At that point I just wanted to see guys naked or nearly naked and was confused by it. I can see playing doctor at that point but that far no.
At 14 yeah that can happen if at least one of the two were gay\bi. Most guys at 14 might want to compare sizes but I think it would take some kind of attraction to push it past that point.
Can someone tell me what is going on? He says he is bisexual but I am not sure I believe it. The fact that 8 years later he is still reaching out to transexuals is so confusing.
I believe it. It is part of the reason why he is still reaching out to transexuals.
Last edited by Diff I guess (May 25, 2024 1:35 am)
- Malex
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
Thank you everyone for the time you took to reply. This is a lonely process, as I want to respect his privacy, so all your answers are super helpful. Thank you @Diff, Iguess, your thorough reply was very eye opening.
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Thread Starter- Malex
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
For the straight spouses out there, how did you move on? I was so attached to him and his family and still am. Also- in the short time we have broken up, he just told me he got a woman pregnant. YET, we had a cruise planned and he still wants me to go as "Friends". Because he doesn't 'love the woman, and she is just his "Baby Mama". . I have him blocked and I am not going on the cruise. But I am just so mad. Why can't he be true to himself and why is he dragging women into this chaos? My mind tells me I am better off without him, my stupid heart is still so sad.
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Thread Starter- ellierigg
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
For the straight spouses out there, how did you move on? I was so attached to him and his family and still am.
Hey there. I was in a beautiful 13-year long relationship. Extremely attached to my partner, best friend…iI knew I will get over it but I had no idea how as it was the most painful thing I ever went through. It took me 13 months after the break up to finally see our relationship as something from my past. It is possible to move on, but it takes work. Also, grief comes in waves so don’t be hard on yourself.
Also- in the short time we have broken up, he just told me he got a woman pregnant.
He sounds like an unstable mess. And he doesn’t even know it, which means that the thought of getting help did’t even cross his mind. People like that can only pull you down. You can have empathy for him, but noone should pull you down. Life will get easier for you without him every day, little by little.
YET, we had a cruise planned and he still wants me to go as "Friends". Because he doesn't 'love the woman, and she is just his "Baby Mama". . I have him blocked and I am not going on the cruise. But I am just so mad. Why can't he be true to himself and why is he dragging women into this chaos? My mind tells me I am better off without him, my stupid heart is still so sad.
Sadness will go away. But your sanity is very present and working for you.
Life will get better, even beautiful, I promise. Hug from me.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
...,.My mind tells me I am better off without him, my stupid heart is still so sad.
It takes as long as you let it take...to stop letting him in and messing up your heart and mind.
The only person who can do that is you
Elle
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- Blue Bear
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Re: Continuous trans and gay men findings yet my bf is amazing in bed
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!
Why on Earth are you even considering trying to settle for a non-straight man who cheats on you, pays for gay sex, likes threesomes involving another dude, has a baby mama, and is dishonest with himself and you about his sexuality? There are much better guys out there than this. Run away from this man like your house is on fire!
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