Thank you for sharing this. I question the validity of this article my friend because the author is a Masters candidate at Abilene Christian University who apparently interviewed a small sample of Mormon couples found via a Mormon non-profit called North Star International. How would you respond to the following citations: 

P. 11 "...approximately 15% of couples do stay together past the first three years..." suggesting there is an 85% failure rate in mixed orientation marriages. 

P. 26 "I [the author] acknowledge and am well aware that MOMs are more often than not unsuccessful and that this particular type of romantic relationship is not for everyone." 

Readers should also be aware of the potential research bias of the author, a Masters candidate at Abilene Bible College, namely: 

1. She interviewed only couples who had chosen to stay together in MOMs and apparently did not interview any couples who separated/divorced: "By not having interviewed individuals whose mixed-orientation marriages ended in separation or divorce, it is not possible in this current work to thoroughly discuss the processes occurring in Path B of this model, namely, Viewing SSA as an Obstacle/Dealbreaker → Marital Conflict/Disintegration → Separation/Divorce." p. 67. 

2. She interviewed just 12 couples and 10 of 12 (83%) were Mormons (p. 21) affiliated with North Star International. According to North Star's YouTube page, "The mission of North Star International is to empower individuals and families addressing sexual orientation or gender identity to authentically and joyfully live the gospel of Jesus Christ and keep sacred covenants."

3. "Perhaps the most common similarity between MOCs [mixed orientation couples] who chose to stay together after disclosure, both in the literature and otherwise, is the presence of some sort of religious belief system." p. 17. 

What I take from this article is that 85% of MOMs fail in the first three years and the small minority of gay/straight marriages that survive are propped up by people of faith who believe in some form of "divine covenant" binding husband and wife together. Dutchman I believe you and your wife are Evangelical Christians if I remember correctly. Feel free to comment/reply. 

Last edited by Sean01 (April 4, 2024 1:56 am)

Thank you for responding Dutchman. In reply: 

1. Sean, it interests me not what you take from the article. You misunderstand the setup, intention and probably most of what the article is about.

Perhaps. What I take away from this article is that the author interviewed a handful of practicing Mormon couples who are all part of a Mormon group called North Star International; a group that promotes the idea that faith is an effective tool in overcoming same-sex attraction or transgenderism.   

2. If you're frustrated that there exist people who are perfectly happy in a fulfilling MOM, you should find a forum where you can utter your grievances and be comforted there.

This is an open forum friend. I always welcomed your frequent input on my thread without telling you to "go elsewhere" so I'd appreciate the same courtesy. With regards to mixed orientation marriages (MOMs), I have zero issue with you or any others who choose to remain in MOMs. You and your wife are clearly happy, even following your wife disclosing her attraction to women. But you are unique for two reasons: first, you are Evangelical Christians; and second, you are part of a very small minority of happy/successful MOMs.

What I take issue with are posts promoting essentially religious opinion pieces posing as serious research papers. This "study" interviewed a group of Mormons who are members of North Star: a conversion-therapy-like group based on Mormon principles. Here is the Mormon Church's stance on people like me: 

"Sexual relations are reserved for a man and woman who are married and promise complete loyalty to each other. Sexual relations between a man and woman who are not married, or between people of the same sex, violate one of our Father in Heaven’s most important laws and get in the way of our eternal progress."

The author simply regurgitates the Mormon/Evangelical narrative that strong religious beliefs = successful gay/straight marriages. The author confirms that 85% of MOMs fail within the first three years following discovery/disclosure. I take no pleasure in the failure of my own marriage nor the failure of any other MOMs following disclosure. I will forever live with the guilt of the pain I caused my innocent children. But I reckon facts don't have feelings.

What I would encourage you or others to disclose, as you have very honestly done above, is to what degree your evangelical religious faith influenced your decision to remain in your MOM. If I may be blunt, you have downplayed and/or omitted sharing about your faith in previous posts and the religious influence on your decision to stay married to a same-sex-attracted wife. (For example, writing that you are part of an "independent" Evangelical church rather than just an "Evangelical church" may be an example of the same.)  I reckon most people posting here are agnostic or non-believers. As such, I think it's best to be crystal clear in future posts that your belief in God, traditional male/female marriage, and (perhaps) that homosexuality is somehow morally wrong (if this is indeed true) influenced your decision to remain in a MOM; not unlike the author of, and those interviewed for, this paper. There is no need to obfuscate if your Evangelical church, while independent, preaches that only male/female relationships are "acceptable" in the eyes of your God. I hope that makes sense.   

Thank you again for posting my friend and for your service to this community. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (April 4, 2024 9:52 am)

My impression is that the author's choice for North Star was mainly pragmatic. Appearently she knew the organization, and via them she got access to a number of couples in a MOM who were willing to participate. It's irrelevant what that organization is about. The stories of participants of the study is the important thing here. They don't tell they have "overcome sexual orientation", nor healed, converted or something like that. Instead, what I read is that they are still same sex attracted, but their wife is the one exception to that rule. And this is the pattern I encounter over and over again, in other stories than in this article (not about LDS members and some not even religious), and of course the same applies in my own MOM. 
It's not bisexuality, it's something else that has no "offical" label. The article mentions sexual fluidity (Lisa Diamond), and maybe that has something to do with it, but I think it's actually something different. 

This is an open forum friend.

No, it's not. It's for straight spouses, only your specific topic is open for you to post. 

What I take issue with are posts promoting essentially religious opinion pieces posing as serious research papers. 

I'm not LDS, and have plenty of theological differences with them, even to the extent I don't consider the LDS church a true christian religion. But I have no personal problem with the people in that church and as far as I know they generaly try to keep to a high moral standard. I have no reason to consider them different or less than for example agnostic or non believers. Everybody has the right and freedom for their opinion, stances and convictions, regardless whether I agree with them or not. 

The LDS background of the participants is not relevant, ignore it. Focus on the human aspects that caused their MOM to be successful.
If the author of the article had picked the participants from the local chapter of the Hells Angels, it would have been the same to me. (Given they could provide stories of how they achieved successful happy MOMs ).

The author simply regurgitates the Mormon/Evangelical narrative that strong religious beliefs = successful gay/straight marriages.

No, the author doesn't.
Like I wrote in my previous post, you misunderstand the setup of the study. 
Please note: Only the couples with successful and happy MOMs were selected. 
No doubt many other MOMs failed, in spite of strong religious beliefs. But their reports are not included in the article. 

Though religious believes can certainly be a factor, it's not implied that is the only thing that matters. 

I take no pleasure in the failure of my own marriage nor the failure of any other MOMs following disclosure. I will forever live with the guilt of the pain I caused my innocent children. But I reckon facts don't have feelings.

(And the pain it caused your wife).
All the more reason to consider if and how a MOM can develop into a successful happy marriage. It may be a minority, but if that 15% can become 20% it makes a lot of difference for the people involved. 

What I would encourage you or others to disclose, as you have very honestly done above, is to what degree your evangelical religious faith influenced your decision to remain in your MOM. If I may be blunt, you have downplayed and/or omitted sharing about your faith in previous posts and the religious influence on your decision to stay married to a same-sex-attracted wife.

I've always been open about my christian faith. Being true to my vows, go for what is right even if circumstances and feelings are painful. These are Christian values. Keeping them not only in words or while everything goes well, but for better and for worse. I don't take that promise lightly. I made this promise to my wife, and I love her. Love is not a feeling but an act of your will.
These are the reasons that pulled me through the difficult times when the going got tough. 

I see homosexuality as something that is moraly neutral and in that regard not different than heterosexuality. I've no problem with people (christian or non believers) who are in a same sex relation. However, cheating/adultery is moraly wrong (regardless of the sexual orientation).
A Christian marriage should be monogamous. (I recommend it for non believers too, but that's their business).
A christian marriage between a man and a woman holds the image of "Christ and the Church" (the church being all christian believers of all time). Bearing that image in marriage is not a obligation, but an great honor. So, being single or in a same sex relations is not a sin, but they don't carry that image. Some christians believe that homosexuality is a sin en choose a celibate life if they are same sex attracted. I respect that choice too, because I believe God goes His way with everyone personaly. People in our church have different opinions on the matter of homosexuality, it's allowed to think differently and never a problem.

I hope you see that I consider the whole homosexuality aspect not a moral issue for people in a MOM. The moral questions are about faithfulness and monogamy.

PS I see that I have indeed broken the rules by posting on the MOM section. If my posts are (rightfully) deleted, Dutchman I would very much enjoy continuing our debate/discussion on my thread. I've taken the liberty of reposting our exchange in its entirety. Much thanks!