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1 - Alex1984
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Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi team
My husband came out to me about four months ago as bisexual after I discovered a large collection of gay porn on his phone. This short time has been a true rollercoaster, but overall, our relationship is still very strong.
Out path would not be for everyone, but I thought it's good to have another point of reference for anyone grappling with this situation.
Since the coming-out, both of us have done a lot of discovering. I will mention what my husband has gone through later, but first and foremost I want to focus on MY own discovery. And this is the only piece of advice I would give. Think about this from YOUR perspective, not just his.
I think it is very important for anyone going through all this pain to stop and ask the question:
- What is all of this teaching ME?
Or, if you believe in the higher spirit:
- Why did God/Universe send me this trial? What is it trying to teach me and how can I approach this challenge with utmost love and gratitude?
I know it's hard, but try and work to find the strength to THANK the Universe for sending you this challenge. Whichever way the relationship with your spouse goes, this is likely the biggest personal growth opportunity you have ever had.
A bit about my background to paint the picture of where I started in my journey. I grew up in Europe with liberal views on LGBTQ+, I would have NEVER considered myself homophobic and have always supported gay rights. Thinking back, however, I was probably more homophobic than I thought. I always felt uncomfortable (and maybe still do in some situations) seeing two people of the same sex kiss and have never watched gay porn. When I first saw my husband's "collection", I was shocked and thought it was utterly disgusting. Yet also weirdly, I found it arousing. It's actually a normal reaction of our brain, but it can feel very disorientating.
In the last four months all I did was trying to UNDERSTAND. Understand him, but also the wider gay/bi comminity. And ultimately, understand why the Universe has sent me this trial and what I needed to learn from it.
I had endless conversations with my husband trying to understand the nature and history of his same-sex attraction, spent several hours on my personal counseling, and read multiple books and online resources. I started following a cute gay married couple on YouTube. I watched gay porn. My husband and I went to a few gay bars and explored Grndr together. We talked about a threesome and even met up with a bi guy, as I felt it was an important part of my exploration, as well as his. He didn't mind.
It's important to note, that while all of the above experiences provided a lot of new information, they were also quite overwhelming and unsettling at times (reading this forum was probably top of the list). It was critically important to be able to make sense of them - for me it was counseling and almost daily meditation.
While this has been a rollercoaster, I feel like I am in a much better space right now.
I have accepted my husband's same-sex attraction and it doesn't provoke a negative reaction in me anymore. Weirdly, again, I am curious about it. It even started to feel somewhat arousing thinking about him with another guy. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does.
In terms of our relationship, it feels very strong. He says he has no desire or intention to hookup with guys on his own. He also says that if he ever feels a romantic connection he would never act on it, unless I was fully onboard.
I know that when/if he sees or touches a guy in a sexual context, it doesn't change him, or us, or our relationship. The threesome conversations and meeting with a guy in a private setting has really demystified this for me. The fact that he likes guys doesn't take anything away from our relationship. He still wants me - sexually, romantically and as a partner. In fact, he probably now wants me more.
I know we are still early days and in the post-disclosure "honeymoon period", but so far so good and I will keep posting my updates here.
Stay strong!
Update from 7th June 2024:
We are still going strong! He is more open and clear with his attraction and actually admits that attractive guys catch his attention more often than attractive women. This doesn't change his position on not wanting to have sexual or romantic relationship with guys.
I am almost certain he is "demisexual", so he needs the connection to engage in anything sexual. He says this ship has sailed for him, he is with me, connected to me, loves me, understands me; that it would take years if not decades to find someone like me in a male form (if it is at all possible) and then so much work building the relationship up from the ground again. And just not enough time (he is in his late 50s) to build all this beautiful history together with kids, family, experiences, etc. Additionally, what we have been through in the last 6 months, how well we know each other, our dreams, fears and desires, the most hidden corners of each other's souls - this is almost impossible to replicate again.
I have walked out of our couple's therapy session today with a lot of validation that our relationship is more than viable despite him being "primarily ssa" based on our strong communication, connection and intimacy we have harnessed over the years and, in particular, in the last 6 months. For context, our therapist is a happily married gay man, I expected him to question and challenge the viability of our relationship, but he was fully supportive and encouraging, while I played the role of a challenger.
If you are apprehensive to throw out an otherwise good relationship just because your partner's sexuality is different - I hope our story will inspire you. We may or may not end up together, but for now we are going strong!
Last edited by Alex1984 (June 6, 2024 8:36 pm)
- NotOkay
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Alex,
This is a very interesting take and much different than what I normally read on here. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Do you ever have doubts about whether he will prefer men, or simply not be attracted to women, at some point?
I think that's my biggest hurdle at the moment, although my story is different in that she recently told me she thinks she's completely lesbian.
- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
I think that it is very much possible that at some stage he will solely prefer men... statistically, at least, many closeted gay men initially come out as bi. Some bisexual men also tend to go through "fully male" and "fully female" cycles. I can see either of those happening to him. For me, I decided that as long as he still wants/desires and satisfies me, I really don't care if he is attracted to men, women or both... If he stops wanting or satisfying me - than it is a different story, and we will have to figure out what we do from there. I think it is also important not to make rush decisions... I think in these trying times of emotional turmoil, the sexual attraction can be quite fluid, and you need to give it time to settle (I decided not to make any decisions for 12 months; we are 4 months in, so watch this space). I think it's a beauty and a curse of our situation. You just don't know what is going to happen, so you have to take each day as it comes, work on your communication, be kind, practice patience, self-love and love+acceptance of others around you - all the great things the Universe wants us to practice anyway.
You are catching me on a good day, when I feel grounded, confident and full of love. Some other days I am full of doubt, confusion and self-loathing. I just try not to stay there for too long.
Stay strong! You will get through it!
Last edited by Alex1984 (April 10, 2024 7:33 am)
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Thread Starter- mytruth
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Alex, When I read your story, I could't believe how similar it is to my situation. My husband came out to me about 2 1/2 months ago, because I caught him looking at a porn store near us online. He said he has always been a cross-dresser and bisexual. Oddly enough, the dressing doesn't phase me in the least, but the sexual aspect is the toughest for me. Our marriage has grown stronger, emotionally and sexually, and he says he wants us to stay together, which for now, is what I am also choosing. There was infidelity with other men, and that is something I struggle with, but for now, I am trying to focus on the future, where he claims total honesty. Like you, after the first really bad weeks, I now go a day or two just fine, then feel like I'm on quicksand and question myself. For me, the worst is yet to come. He wants to see other men sexually (not romantically), and wants me aware and even there. I am afraid it is going to crush me (he has not seen anyone since he came out as he said he will wait until I think I can handle it) - your message is the first one to give me some hope that it won't, but I am getting more and more anxious.
What resonated so much is the positivity in your story. I'm not saying I'm over all the hurt, anger, betrayal, etc., and I do have a lot of trust issues right now, but we talk about all of it, openly, and I am trying to understand why this is my life.
Anyways, sorry to ramble, but I just wanted you to know how much your sharing this has helped me feel less alone. Thank you.
- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi mytruth,
I am so so sorry to hear you found yourself in this situation. Good on you for taking one day at a time. Please do keep putting yourself first, it is so easy to melt into your partner's sorrow and pain. Always put your mask on first though, before you try to help him. Good luck!
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Thread Starter- phoenix615
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
I appreciate your situation and feel like we are in a somewhat similar situation. I have encouraged him to find friendly relationships with other people in similar situations. I am having a hard time with his recent request to consider opening our relationship so he could explore physical relationships from time to time.
I feel like that is me not feeling grounded even though he has been VERY clear that I am his person through and through. He loves me and our relationship is first. In fact, I think that may be why his same sex attraction may be stronger right now. he has absolutely no interest in looking at women because I am the woman he wants. Does that make sense? I posted in here, but I'll pose the question here
- phoenix615
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
How did you find the boundaries that you were both comfortable with? I think part of my issue is a sense of abandonment that comes from my father leaving when I was little. I think I find a lot of anxiety about trusting how that would work. However, I am trying to be sensitive to what he would like to fulfill in his life too. Any guidance you could share would be wonderful.
- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi Phoenix,
Not sure how much of a qualified advisor I am... but I'll offer what I've got 
I think in our sitiations ALWAYS put your mask on first, i.e. think about your needs before you think about his needs. If he is committed to making it work, he will respect your boundaries and will be patient to the pace you are moving in. If you feel those boundaries are pushed or overstepped too often, maybe he is not the best partner for you after all.
To be honest, I feel a little entitled to setting my own rules. I mean, they f*cked up majorly by not disclosing their attraction from the start and are now requiring adjustment on our side, it's only fair they respect our needs and boundaries.
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
I am going to sound like a total lunatic to many of you and believe me, what I am writing below is not how I feel all the time. Some days are still very hard, and I feel sad, doubtful, and anxious. Yet today I feel great: strong, loved and full of gratitude.
I absolutely love my husband and am so grateful I have him in my life. To me, he is the ultimate expression of masculinity. He is calm and collected when I am spinning, he exudes confidence when I feel doubtful. He doesn't shy away when I pour out my emotions at him and he just gives me this feeling of ultimate safety. It is like I know he will always be there for me, no matter what. I don't think I have ever felt so safe and secure in my entire life.
You know what? Even if we part ways (which seems quite ridiculous at this very moment), no one will be able to take this feeling away from me. Even if I don't feel the same in the future, I am so grateful I got to experience this level of safety at some stage of my life - it doesn't matter if it is for a day, a month or a year.
This whole sexuality quest has turned us inside out and upside down, but as we land and settle into the new normal and get on with our lives - it feels... So. Damn. Good.
His sexuality seems merely a feature, rather than a central defining criteria (kind of like me being mildly ASD). Conversations around it get lighter, less frequent, less serious and less intense. We are starting to joke about it and there are now times when I don't think about it at all.
If you are in pain - I feel for you. I have been there, I felt excruciating pain - for me, for him, for the state of the world. Please know it gets better. It really, really does. One way or the other the Universe will help you make sense of it all. Take care of yourself. In a crisis (which is where you are), always put your needs first. Communicate all your needs, boundaries and requests to your partner. Don't be afraid of them leaving you - if they do, they were not meant for you anyway. However, likewise, don't push them away just on the account of their sexuality, give them a chance to prove they deserve to be with you.
Last edited by Alex1984 (June 10, 2024 10:37 pm)
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
I feel like it is time for a quick update. Things are moving so fast when you are in a "recently post-disclosure" MoM.
I found a lot of confidence reading about the stages that MoMs go through, which I also posted in this forum here:
and the stages straight spouse is going through here:
It feels like I am at the healing stage now, but I feel like some bouncing between "letting go of the past and focusing on the present" and "healing" stages might still happen if more of his sexuality and needs surface.
He started his sexual abuse PTSD therapy. The plan is to be in it for 12 months and then have a break from therapy to let things settle. His therapist is an openly gay man. I think it's good. There is an inherent bias and some transference and counter-transference happening, but he is a good therapist and I just have to trust the Universe and his professional ethics that he will not confuse my husband any further. After all, it's the best futureproofing: if he fails to convert him into "gayhood" after almost two years of weekly sessions, then maybe hubby is really not gay after all, and we will live with and adjust to "bi".
Technically, my husband has the mandate to explore sexually, but practically, we remain monogamous. Neither of us are into hookups (as it turns out). He is still off porn, refuses to watch it even when I encourage it. Says he will probably go back to it, but for now he wants to make it to a year mark porn-free to allow for a "clean break". I don't mind porn but find it kind of admirable. I also think not having the "easy" sexual outlet in the form of gay porn allows him to dig deeper and reflect more profoundly on his same sex attraction. He always said his SSA is primarily physical (not emotional), not that the easy physical outlet isn't there, I wonder if the emotional component might start to develop, but it hasn't yet.
Trust is becoming strong again. He has been very consistent and honest about everything - even when things got uncomfortable. Never caught him on another lie or half-truth since disclosure. I trust he is not going to cheat and that he will disclose his feelings as they arise. I still think the SSA thing may become bigger than he admits to himself... there might be a possibility of him falling in love with a man at some stage... for now, however, it seems pretty remote, and I choose not to focus on it.
I get therapy roughly on a monthly basis, but frankly, I think therapists are not equipped to deal with MoMs, so you kind of feel like you have to DIY a lot of self-support.
I am going on a 10-day silent retreat tomorrow (it's like a meditation boot-camp based on Buddhist Vipassana tradition). I am hoping to quiet down all the noise and really connect with the events of the past 8 months and make further sense of them. I feel like the world has a lot of loud opinions on our situation, but often a very questionable connection to the reality of our experience.
The main issue is that our society puts sexuality and attraction at the center of person’s identity – and way too often “locks” people into lifestyles that are not good or healthy or interesting for them. This happens no matter whether you are talking to a conservative religious person or progressive “woke” person, gay or a straight – everyone usually has a very particular view on what your life should be like given your circumstances.
Both my husband and I think that while sexuality is an important part of who you are and shouldn't/couldn't be repressed, it is not the core of who you are and exists somewhere lower in the hierarchy or your other identities.
I feel I need to mention sex. We have it. It's good. Mostly standard vanilla, spicing it up occasionally, when we are in the mood.
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