As long as there is physical intimacy.... with somebody who has admitted to being a lesbian...her fear of leaving what you have together will keep her holding on to the person she knows will be there for her.

Open r'ships are a shit way to live. But if that's the only way to keep the stability she has with you...while starting intimate r'ships with women... she'll probably have few qualms about hurting you. Because you're still wanting to hold on to her. It's what non-straight people do to straightspouses while they figure out their lives.

You need to find a trustworthy friend, family member, counsellor to talk to. This Forum has all the advice and experience but you can't beat good face to face conversation (edited to say) with someone who cares about what you are going through, not your wife.

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 23, 2024 11:10 am)

Hi Darrj,

The thing my mother was finally able to pinpoint about my ex is that he would neither accept me nor let me go.

That's what straights do, isn't it.  Apparently it is not what married gay and lesbian partners do.  There are a few different story lines but this is the basic one - the straight is trying to get a straight answer from their spouse - while they seem to think it is okay to keep us dangling.

Is this someone who truly loves you?  

Following the basic story line this will turn out to be cupboard love - like the rest of us you will discover in time that your partner is entirely selfish in her love of you - when you stop being amenable to her wishes is when you get to know her.

Glad to hear you are interested in finding a woman who can love you back like you love her.  I am much too old but sometimes people d get really lucky on the second time around.
 

Hi Anon, yes me too, I am still struggling to get my head round it too - don't think I ever will.  It is years past divorce, it is years since he has had any contact with me and still he attacks me.  I joined a bridge club when I left and there is this woman there he has met through work.  She gave me a volume of lesbian poetry and commissioned a sculpture before I twigged to what was going on - he's told her I'm a lesbian among other iies, the hide of him.  I disabused her of that notion very clearly, but he is such a convincing liar, that is years ago now and she is still looking quizzically at me sometimes - I figure that means she has been talking to him.

I sometimes think we straights that get stuck in closets can become unable to make the critical thinking needed because we are overwhelmed by an anxiety that has been subconsciously building.  At first I thought it was over the pain I was in which had also been subconsciously building.  Now I give myself more credit, for a start I looked after myself really well once I had started thinking of myself as an individual again - not with a partner, and I can also see it was entirely appropriate to my situation at the time - a subconscious recognition of the underlying reality of the person I was right next to and being so trusting of.  What he might do.  How he was actually feeling towards me, but keeping hidden.

Time waves its magic wand - enough water under the bridge and a level of distraction takes place I think.  anyway it is all okay for me now and I don't think about him other than in the past from one month to the next.

Last edited by lily (February 25, 2024 2:21 pm)

Hi all - me too, more like 7 years since the first overt signs that he was leading a double life and will be filing for a relatively amicable divorce this month. I finally decided he’s just nuts and will never tell the truth. Not to me anyway. Ok. Moving on.
One layer that is coming off now is the protection I had to assume against what must have been another insane aspect of this whole mess - I think he really resented me but he’s the one who locked me in here! How crazy is that? He wanted - still desperately wants - the cover story and someone to do the “wife” caretaking jobs but simultaneously resents being stuck in a heterosexual marriage and sees the structure he put in place as something to rebel against, push back on. Holy smokes - so glad to be getting out of that trap.
There are so many deep psychological problems in these f’d up relationships. And - they are the fault of the person who is lying. Full stop. Fraudulent conveyance. Mine has to externalize everything - all someone else’s fault. But nope. It’s not my job to wade through his lies and operate on the other side of the looking glass. It is my job to get out, now that I know, and that will be this month. Thank God.

Relatively! Fingers crossed, and good luck to you, too. This was a tough hand, with all the lies. ❤️