OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- upsides73
- New member
Offline
Figuring it out - will we stay together?
My husband of 7 years (we're late 20s) started going to therapy this January. He disclosed to me that he started going because he had a goal he was working towards: to tell me something that he had hidden his whole life.
By the end of January, after weeks of reassuring him that I'm here to support him, reminding him that to love him is to know him more deeply, and pleading with him that withholding the information indefinitely was hurting me, too, he finally broke. On a Saturday night in our dark living room, he sat and could barely finish the words before choking up, "I think I'm autogynephilic".
The next few hours were him explaining what this meant as we held each other and recognized that our future was suddenly flipped upside down. He'd watched gay porn as a teen and over the past three years was filled with compulsive, intrusive thoughts about his gender identity and sexuality. He'd been exploring a little on his own, trying clothes and makeup, watching cissy porn, and masturbating with a dildo. But he'd become so ashamed he'd throw everything away and try to repress it before eventually caving again in a vicious cycle. He confessed that he hated how he loved it, that he was terrified the urges would get stronger, that he'd become a completely different person than the man I married. He cried to me that he wanted to fight it, that if he had the choice he would destroy this part of himself without hesitation. He's terrified for the future. We live in a rural midwestern village, and his family is extremely homophobic.
After comforting each other with the truth that we still love each other, I gently encouraged him to introduce me to 'her,' and we went upstairs to try makeup together. One thing led to another, and with all the raw, intense emotions, we ended up in the bedroom.
Since then my mind is swirling. We've been abstinent since then, trying to figure this out. Is he trans? Is he a crossdresser? Is this a fetish? There's so many questions with no answers. Without a doubt in my mind I know that we love and care for each other deeply. We both want to stay in each others' lives- he's my best friend, I'm 'his person.' We've been together since we were teenagers, went through the darkest times together, grew through all life's milestones with each other. But we don't know what the future relationship will look like. Spouses? Roommates? Long-distance friends (he'll move to another state if he does transition)? I don't know. How do we move forward? How long will it take to find clarity? In the mean time, we're both separately seeing therapists on a weekly basis. He continues to explore this side of him, and I continue to love and support him while the thought eats at the back of my mind - divorce may be imminent.
Is transitioning inevitable? Does anyone find peace indulging in crossdressing in their own home and maintaining the same outward life? We're both forever changed by this, and finding the path forward feels impossible- there's so much uncertainty. I don't know if he can love me romantically and find fulfillment with me as a woman. I don't know if I can love him romantically and find fulfillment with him if he's a woman. I've always felt bicurious but never had the chance to explore before we met.
So I guess I'm feeling lost in the chaos, caught in this strange liminal space between potential futures. Any advise or questions we should be asking each other and ourselves?
We want nothing but the best for each other. It hurts to realize we may not be the best for each other....
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
Autogynephilia seems to always favour the man who's turned on at the thought of being a woman...not the wife of the man turned on by the thought of being a woman.
It's good he's decided to share his secret with you rather than keep you thinking he's somebody he's not.
Remember that you too have a say in how you live your life.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- upsides73
- New member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
You're spot on, Elle. Everything I've read, listened to, and watched makes it sound like this is doomsday for our romantic relationship.
I'm grateful he told me what's going on in his head, and ache knowing he's carried this shame with him for so long. But where do we go from here?
He's been my only long-term relationship, and I always imagined a future where we stick by each others' side through thick and thin.
So we're both struggling to find who we are when it's not defined by the other person, ya know? (Definitely have co-dependent tendencies that we both recognize.)
How can I make sure to choose the best decision for my future? And ensure he does the same? We need to be honest with ourselves/each other, and that feels really difficult when there's so much fear and uncertainty surrounding what's happening.
Always appreciate the reminder that I have a stake and power to choose in this, too. Recognizing that took a few weeks, and now I'm struggling with how to get in touch with myself- without the noise of our relationship- and find what I truly want and where to go from here.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
upsides73 wrote:
. ....now I'm struggling with how to get in touch with myself- without the noise of our relationship- and find what I truly want and where to go from here.
Be kind to yourself... because this is one of the toughest situations a person can find themselves in and getting comfortable (I realise comfort isn't the best descriptive lol) with what has happened will go a long way to helping you cope with the changes this will inevitably bring.
Do you have anybody close.... friend/family
...you can talk to, who will keep your confidence as you work through this?
Remember to not lose yourself in what is, after all, your husband's journey.
E
KIA KAHA
- upsides73
- New member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
You sound like my therapist 
it takes a lotttt of conscious effort not to base my activities and actions around how I believe my partner will respond. Feels so strange to shift the focus from 'us' to 'me,' but I'm doing my best. Self-care is one of the hardest and best survival strategies out there!
oh man. I wish there was someone I could talk with. Both my partner and I are incredibly close with my side of the family. My sisters are my best friends, and their partners are like our brothers. But unfortunately, my partner isn't comfortable with me disclosing any information about what we're going through. I know one of my sisters would be empathetic and understanding... not sure how the other would react as she tends to have more conservative views.
Either way, the most I could say to the empathetic one is that 'we're going through relationship issues' LMAO that doesn't begin to cover it. I know she'd pry, and I know I'd cave and tell her everything. So out of respect for my partner I haven't said anything (and don't plan to until he has more answers.) It's interesting to see how his mind fights itself. Some days he convinces himself he's not trans, that this is just a kink, the urges will fade out and he'll be content to just cross dress in our home/the bedroom. Transitioning would cost him his business, his involvement in his nieces lives, and countless relationships. So I understand his denial, but don't know if I can trust it (if that makes sense.) I know I can't be with someone denies their authentic self - it would lead to a longer road of repression and resentment. But I don't know who he is, and he certainly isn't sure either. It's such a strange gray area to be in.
So in the mean time, the only place I can confide in anyone is here and with my therapist. And I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond to and hear me. It's a lonely journey for both of us.
Him figuring out who he is
Me figuring out what I need
If only this journey wasn't so stigmatized and politicized, we could both access more support.
So simply, thank you. This community is a lifeline right now.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
oh man. I wish there was someone I could talk with. Both my partner and I are incredibly close with my side of the family. My sisters are my best friends, and their partners are like our brothers. But unfortunately
**my partner isn't comfortable with me disclosing any information about what we're going through****
. I know one of my sisters would be empathetic and understanding... not sure how the other would react as she tends to have more conservative views. ....
Of course he's not okay with you disclosing what he's going through. But what about you? Don't let this swallow you up so you lose your autonomy and prioritise him over you. You deserve better
E
KIA KAHA
- Richlife
- New member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
I’m sorry you are faced with such a major change in your relationship and life.
I recently discovered my husband decided he has some form of gender dysphoria had been secretly receiving hormone replacement treatment,MtF. my life turned upside down but the times when I felt closest and most empathetic towards my husband was when he shared his thoughts and feelings with me, which doesn’t happen often. The biggest hurt was the secrecy and betrayal for two years before I discovered his journey. In retrospect he had emotionally isolated himself from me, before the truth came out.The most constructive actions for me, so far, have been putting my own needs, emotional and physical first. There is no quick fix, but self care is very vital to healing.
take good care.
- Annalisa
- New member
Offline
Re: Figuring it out - will we stay together?
Upsides,
I am so sorry. I am brand new here too, and was also blindsided by the same information, also in January. However, I am 20 years older with teenage children. I think I read every post on this forum since then, but this is my first time posting.
The book "Autoheterosexual," which I heard about on the Straight Spouse podcast, was somewhat helpful in better understnding my husband's condition. I wish I knew the answers to your questions about whether he could find peace keeping it somewhat under wraps and dressing only at home. I suspect many do this, but I don't know how "at peace" they are.
I'm also struggling with having nobody to talk to about this since we are still trying to figure it out, though I will start therapy soon. It seems when I voice how I feel to my husband, he is sometimes understanding and sometimes defensive--thinks my point of view sounds "terf"-ish, so it's hard to talk honestly with him. The stress is unbearable. It's just so much to take in, and so devastating for all involved. I so wish there were a way to make it go away, I know he does too. For me, I'm sure divorce is in my future, but trying to untangle 20 years of marriage with finances, children, etc, is so overwhelming. I've cried so much in the last five months.
Keep posting and sharing.
AL