Moonlight_dances wrote:

..... 

Hi there Moonlight....welcome to our Forum. My former partner wasn't trans but bisexual so I don't have any experience of what must be a confusing, distressing time for you. 

We did have a wonderful member Outofhiscloset whose husband was trans and she was good to read, she was an intelligent woman who was always ready to engage with advice. She left after a disagreement/difference of opinion with the people (ideology) who/that manage/s this site....BUT if you click on Search (next to Inbox) above and type in her name you can read her story, her experiences, her struggles, her pain and her strength.

Again...welcome

Elle
 

You can still be an ally, in a larger sense. You do not have to remain in a relationship that forces your core orientation into hiding. One user here had a great signature line - "You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." You are also entitled to support. Sounds like it would be better to not share the details with him.

Dear Moonlight_Dances,

 Elle is correct; I left the Forum over philosophical differences with the site's position on trans issues.  But I do occasionally click in, and I did so today, and read your post.  (I clicked in today because it was six years ago this weekend that I told my now-ex I wanted a divorce.)  

I'm writing to you now because there are similarities in your story and mine.  My now-ex was 58 when he announced to me he was "a woman in a man's body."  We were also in a long-term marraige (in our case, 32 years when he made his announcement).   My ex also reacted to my discomfort with this news and with his feminizing moves by blaming me; in other words, there was no empathetic understanding on his part of what his drastic change meant for me and for our marriage, or the adjustments I would have to make. The idea that "nothing has to change" is an eye-roller, as it's clear that in their mind *something* very much has to change"--themselves!  If they are "the same person inside," then why is it so important TO THEM that they change?  Why is it only supposed to be unimportant TO US?  

I also noted that you say your marriage had communication problems.  This was also true for us.  When one person in the marriage is hiding a secret (and a secret life, too), communication problems inevitably follow.  How can a couple communicate honestly and openly when one of them is hiding a secret, doesn't want to open up?  If your husband is anything like mine, this truism will go right over his head, and he will blame you for those problems, just as he insists that "nothing has to change" and that your discomfort with his unilateral changes is also "the problem."  When my now-ex and I ended our marriage, he actually said to me, "Our problem was communication, but I didn't feel as if I could talk to you," neatly making that, too, my fault.  

Many times on the Forum I posted a list of reading material on autogynephilia and on other resources (transwidowsvoices.org, for example, or the Mumsnet group for transwidows--what we whose husbands have "died"--died to us, at least--call ourselves).  You should be able to access those via a search feature of my Forum name (OutofHisCloset).  Your husband's choice of junior high school sparkly jewelry, and the sexy clothes (high, high heels and sparkly leggings) scream that he has the sexual paraphilia of "autogynephilia," (which means: "sexual attraction to the idea of oneself as a woman").  

 I'd also observe that this is your first post, after nine months of silence and agony.  That's a big step for you to make, and it signals, I think, that you are committed to leaving the marriage.  I'm happy to communicate with you via private message (use your "inbox" to access this feature of the Forum).   

Edited to add:  Thanks, Elle, for the kind words.  You deserve them equally.   Sending good thoughts your way.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 21, 2024 11:00 am)

OutofHisCloset thank you. I am grateful you chose to pop back into the forum today, of all days! 

It's so interesting, and validating, to hear the similarities in our stories. The lack of empathy, the blame, even the notion that, *nothing had to change... I felt gaslit around every corner. It boggles my mind to think that he is incapable of acknowledging that fact that keeping this huge secret all his life - pretending to be something that he was/is not, hasn’t affected our relationship. That the undercurrent of this secret has nothing to do with all of our communication struggles over the years. 

How do you let go of the anger? I am acutely aware this is not a healthy place to be, and despite my efforts, am still stuck in this very angry, toxic, limbo. How are you doing emotionally, 6 years out? 

I am angry because he acts like I have no right to be upset. For years I thought there was something we could do to fix things between us, I was committed and in it for the long haul. Discovering that he was actually not being honest about not just who he was, but what, all these years is maddening. Our relationship was doomed from the start. I married someone well versed in wearing a mask all his life who continues to do so to this day! He always accused me of being unhappy as if I was just a miserable person who couldn't see how good she had it and he played no role in this. The truth was, I was unhappy because things I’d say would trigger him and I had no idea why. I didn't understand that I married a wounded, insecure trans-woman, and honestly, never would have chosen to had I been privy from the start. 

I am grateful we were married, as together we have an amazing daughter. I wish he told me the truth when she was a year old, however, so I could have built a different life and been in a different place at 60. But, there’s nothing I anyone can do about this now so it’s not worth wasting time thinking about this.

Ugh. It would be one thing if he acted even remotely effeminate these last 26 years to give me some clue. I have read about others who ask their wives if they can try on their clothes, or something to give them a clue that they were not actually as masculine as they put themselves out there to be. But he did not do this. For him to come out after almost 60 years of an extremely successful charade of masculinity, after building a life and a family, has been such a total shock and completely devastating. For him not to understand that, but to get angry at me for not supporting him, to ask me “what’s wrong” the day after he told me, is gaslighting. I am so angry he was too weak to say anything before. I am so angry he's still too scared to tell everyone in our family. He demonizes me for having no problem saying what I feel but I think he's just upset by me because I am able to be who I am. 

Seeing him prance around wearing leggings and young girl jewelry as if they somehow suit him when these outfits are so counter to the person he tried to portray himself as all these years is jarring. Regardless of his wishes… he has always been, and continue to show me that he is, the epitome of toxic masculinity. It's so ironic. He has no grace, what-so-ever. 

I have never heard the terms, sexual paraphilia, or autogynephilia before. I feel so naive, I didn’t even know what gender dysphoria was until he shared this with me. It makes sense and totally explains the 1 hour showers. Ugh!!! 

I actually sent you a PM earlier today, just in case you checked back in from time to time, but your mailbox was full. I will try again now! 

Again, thanks so much. It’s so helpful to realize I am not alone, and yes you are right, I am absolutely committed to leaving this marriage now. We are officially separated, despite living under the same roof, and filing for divorce online. Once the house sells, we can go our separate ways. 

Last edited by Moonlight_dances (January 21, 2024 12:58 pm)

Blackie563 wrote:

Hello Moonlight, welcome to the club no one asked to join! I am a man, and while my ex is living her life as a lesbian these days, there are a lot of similarities. For example, she holds me in contempt for not allowing her access to my life. (I blocked her on all social media over a year ago). you see, I spent 24 years (19 married) with this person. 23.5 of those years, I had crippling anxiety. I was there for my kids, but spent a lot of time at work, ostensibly to stay away from what I did not consciously know, but my body was telling me...I was with someone lying and toxic and it was literally killing me.  

She has tried numerous times over the past 1+ year to get my attention, to get me to engage with her. Best I can describe it, with junior high level tactics that scream "pay attention to me". While the trans issue is not the same, the other issues seem to be clear. She tells herself (and others) I am angry because she left  the relationship. What she doesnt realize is, the person she knew is gone. That was a wounded version of myself that existed because I had not dealt with the violence I observed as a child. Our poor communication, her poor treatment of me, just meant I needed to love her more.....

The version of me now is healthy, completely off anxiety meds, in a healthy relationship for nearly 1 year and could care less about what my ex is doing or thinks or says. Its a daunting time period for sure, but please know, if you focus on what you can control, yourself, your actions and your happiness, you will attract it and it will be. 

Hang in there, feel every bit of this, the only true way to the other side is through the pain and dealing with it appropriately. for whatever reason, this was your path. If you look (and focus inward) you will attract what you need/want, vs. the sickness you've unfortunately had to deal with. 

Best of luck to you, be well and keep going. You will be victorious!

Thank you so much for this, Blackie563, I really appreciate your taking the time to respond and share your story. You are SO right that being with someone who's lying and toxic can make you physically ill. I feel like I am making my way through and out of a haze, and you all are helping me feel hopeful for the first time in quite a while, thank you so much.