** I used to think the worst case scenario was him deciding he is gay and wanting a divorce. Now I think it would be far worse to end up depressed, resentful, and unable to ever be truly happy because he’s so afraid of losing the good marriage and family life that we have. Not to mention the years we put on in the meantime.
What do we do? **



Eleanor 🤗 welcome to our Forum.

Gay, bisexual, trans....they ultimately all mean the same. Your husband will never be the man you thought would be yours alone forever. Even if he never touches another man he will always have the feeling he wants that touch... inside him. I can see, in stressing about what this means for you, you focus more on how your husband is feeling, what he's missing out on, what it's doing to him 
But what about you? This is your life too.

Many of us, in trying to save our significant others end up losing ourselves in the process, because in fighting something we  can't see or trust in we forget that we deserve respect and a good life too

I tried for years to make the 38 years with my partner work but in the end his bisexuality, the way he saw the world and saw me, the separations he could make between the 2 parts of who he was meant that if I didn't break away I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
So I did. It's the best and worst thing I ever did but I'll never regret it.

Elle

You are what matters on this Forum Eleanor. We're here to help you

Hello,
I hope you are doing well. I know all of this is still incredibly fresh and feels scary. We have all been where you are. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and your feelings are valid. 

It is 1,000% ok to not ever be ok with non-monogamy. When my bi husband came out 17 years ago I was very clear that monogamy was all I wanted. For us, I found that communication was key. Constant, open, honest, judgment-free communication. We also had to learn to speak each other's language, because while we were talking a lot.. we were not always communicating EFFECTIVELY. It took some time for BOTH of us to learn to listen and HEAR each other and stop trying to do those things from a place of fear. When it was from a place of fear nothing was getting through. The biggest thing for us was finding ways to SAFELY have these conversations about all the possibilities of life (including non-monogamy).  Being open to learning about things and understanding them better does not mean you're agreeing to them. But educating yourself and also allowing him the safe space to talk about his feelings can only bring you both closer and give you all the information you need to make a fully informed decision. 

He just came out. It is VERY common for a newly out partner (ESPECIALLY one who has severely repressed their feelings for the reasons you stated) to have a bit of a dramatic awakening. Sometimes they go through something referred to as a second puberty or a second adolescence. They can often get lost in their emotions and the excitement of FINALLY allowing themselves to feel things they have never allowed themselves to feel. Sometimes they can get blinders on and get a little carried away. It is ok to call this out. They still need to be respectful of your feelings and be patient. It is also very common for a lot of bi folks to have a VERY strong urge to want to explore right after coming out. Especially in older generations as they tend to have a bigger feeling of what if or that they might be missing out. Mid-life crises are common across all people... bi folks just might have an added level of complication to that feeling. Their feeling this way is common and understandable, but that doesn't mean your only choice is to let them explore or nothing will ever be ok again. They will need to do some introspective work on their end to sit with these feelings and understand themselves on a deeper level. 

Try not to stress yourself too much right now with the what-ifs and all the terrible things that COULD be. There are PLENTY of negative examples of what your relationship could look like if you go looking hard enough. Try to focus on the person you love and just trying to understand him. He has shared something with you that he might have been terrified to share with anyone his entire life. You have power here, even if it doesn't feel that way. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right for you. The important thing is for both of you to remain open to the conversations ahead. Go forward with empathy, love, and patience. 

He also said that he never lied to me.  He said "where is the lie"?  WTF

Yes, that makes sense to me.  I think that I'm still struggling emotionally since he really hasn't apologized adequately.  He doesn't even acknowledge that he deceived me for 29 years.   He has compartmentalized and rationalized his extramarital sex. He has apologized for hurting me, but not for his behavior.  I think that he's sorry that I found out (because he was being blackmailed).  

M-Kate wrote:

My bisexual husband didn't / doesn't think that it's really cheating.  He said that he didn't tell me because he thought that it would be best to keep that part of his life "separate" from me so that it wouldn't hurt me. 

Yeah that's what A. said too. He thought keeping it separate, and that it was a man, meant 
it was somehow less hurtful

E