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December 22, 2023 9:24 pm  #1

Found out today

Hello all - 
I found out this afternoon that my husband of almost 12 years (we've known each other for 17) told me he was bi-sexual.  It stemmed from me seeing he was looking at profiles on a website "known for hook-ups and no l long term relationships".  At first I figured another woman.  I was livid.  I wrote up a letter (as it helps me to say what I need to without freaking out on him) asking what was going on - another woman - has he been on the site before, had he met anyone/made plans to meet anyone. etc.  He replies with:  he had an experience when he was 20 - never told anyone, and I guess it started him wondering about his sexuality.  He pushed it aside - catholic family, grow up get married have kids.  He married, had 2 daughters, divorced because she cheated on him.  We meet years later, we marry in 2012 and he takes on me and my 2 kids.   He was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer - testosterone levels tanked, our sex life went downhill - we were working on that.  He started taking testosterone which did help....seemingly for him, it's a catch 22 situation - his libido had migrated to the interest in men again.  I can understand why it was hard for him to realize how he felt after repressing it for so long but I feel:  angry, upset, frightened, humiliated, confused, unattractive, useless, hurt beyond belief - the life I wanted to spend with this man is pretty much done.  Having a gay brother I know the angst that comes along with coming out - and I commended him on finally doing it - I was the first and only person he's told.  What will I do now - I do not want a "potential third person" be it male or female in my marriage.  I can't be in a marriage of 3.  I don't care who marries whom - 2 gay men, 2 lesbians, trans/gay/straight, etc unions - you love who you love and that is enough.  I love him - he's my husband, but how could I say - oh ok honey, if you want to see mr x tongiht, sure, go ahead, and still be married - I don't care about the sexual combination in a marriage but I just want it to be 2 people in it.  I am now looking at moving out of our house, finding a place for my son and I to live and a tougher financial situation,  I also am not sure how I would react to him finding another WOMAN who would be ok with a 3rd party situation - even if I would not like that option  - would I be jealous?  how will I be able to separate myself from him, my step kids and my grandkids - will I still be in their lives?  I am heartbroken all the way around.


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