Annon2222,  Oh boy, I did have a lot of hate and anger towards my ex for years.  But more so since he started those irrational rages in 2017.  Actually I was afraid for my mental health as the feelings were intense, as I had to keep his secret of dressing in women’s clothing and transitioning as well as the verbal and emotional abuse.  My way of coping was to journal and let me tell you the feelings were raw and unfiltered.  Ordinarily I’m not a journal type of person, but let me tell you if I felt anger or rage I could write pages and pages and the words flowed like a river.  It was full of questions and suspicions and discontent etc.  I had fantasies of revenge and even considered revenge, thank goodness I did not attempt any.  
The journal is quite comprehensive.  I think I’ve pretty much hashed things through.  Usually I wrote in it when I was pissed.  Finally it came to the day when I told myself I’m done writing.  Things discovered by rereading it   1. My instincts of what I thought was going on, was true.   2.  All of the documentation reminds one of the many instances of drama and nonsense that one forgets   3. I was not crazy.   4. My god, he was disordered.
I’m past the hatred and revenge stage.  
The problem with talking about my personal issues about his sexuality with a close friend or family was not therapeutic.  I guess TTT was too foreign for them.  Either they did not want to hear it, too much information or they were intrigued about the details but didn’t care about my plight.  In my state and my community, TTT is revered and it seems like how dare you talk about yourself.  This added to my internal anger.  I don’t have to talk about my feelings to anyone anymore.  I’ve truly had two people that did not judge, listened and supported.  Everyone else does not need to know my past because actually I don’t think they care.  
OUR PATH aka Straight Spouse is the only outlet of people that understand and where you can vent, discuss or ask questions.  
ANNON2222 I hope you are doing better.  It takes time to sort things through in your head.  I quit asking myself why did he say this, why did he treat me this way, why did he do that… don’t untangle the skein.  Don’t try to figure out these f@ckwits.  Wishing you a happier, healthier New Year.  Even baby steps are steps forward.  

ZBumgarner - I saw your post under my stories and I was going to reach out to offer a virtual hug. I feel you there.

Norah - thank you for your kind words. I have also found that talking to most people is not helpful because they just don't get it. Most of the time I'm told stupid things like "everything happens for a reason" or "you're better off without him" or "it just wasn't meant to be". When I say I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD and I'm getting trauma therapy to try to recover from the years of psychological and emotional abuse....I get blank stares. Him abandoning me also ruined me financially and I have lost pretty much everything I had. It's funny how people don't ever want to hear that part it seems. But, I am getting better. Day by day.

I am working my way through everything, what is an added element that has not helped anything is that I have severe major depressive disorder and OCD (I have had it my entire life of course, but the major trauma, betrayal, and finding out my entire life was a lie through everything into overdrive). I am doing my best....but the lows are dark, and I get fixated on things and torture myself with them. Mental health is fun *sarcasm*

I have dipped my toe into online dating on and off....and, I ended up meeting someone I have enjoyed conversing with. I don't know where it will go but I had an interesting experience that showed a lot about myself and my situation. 

Christmas Eve - middle of the night - I had a really bad low. For whatever reason, it felt like I was hit by a truck of everything that has happened in the past while. Complete despair and I was struggling hard. I tried all my usual coping mechanisms and I was still struggling. I was chatting with this guy on an off and he asked some question, and I ended up saying someone about how much I was struggling...and...he was just so kind.

Ended up talking until 2 am, and by the end I was laughing and felt so much better. This almost stranger was nicer to me than the man I was married to for 20 years. And I remember feeling really stupid and embarrassed at first for breaking down and spilling my guts like that...and then being worried he was going to use my pain and vulnerable state to hurt me further....and it was another one of those slaps in the face about how bad my former spouse actually treated me....I'm literally terrified of people being kind, because I'm waiting to see how it's going to come back to bite me in the ass. 

What a bizarre situation to be in. And yet, he likes to rant at me about how I ruined his life. How I was never supportive of him when he was struggling. Honestly, I find it quite insulting that he conveniently ignores everything I have ever done for him in the past 20 years, and everything I did for him when he pranced out of the closet *eye roll*