I am not a native English speaker, so please excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes. I am so glad I found this forum and would like to share my recent experience with you. I'm reaching out because I'm grappling with an extremely difficult situation in my personal life and could use some advice or just a space to share.

I've been in a relationship for 5 years, married for the last 3, which started as a beautiful bond in Vienna. She is from Taiwan and I am originally from Germany. So from the get go we had cultural differences (importance of family: mine sucks a bit, shes really close with hers / different mindset in various things when it comes to work ethic, money, interests and hobbies). However, we were happy together and after three years we decided to get married.

Shortly after we got married we decided to move to Munich together in 12 month.So we quit our jobs and moved to Taiwan for around 6 months, enjoyed the life there with her friends and family. The other half of the year we spent in Vienna, enjoying the last few months before out move. In June we found an apartment and moved back to Munich. The goal was to start our own little family there.

Since we just recently arrived, she had no job yet (going to German classes to become more fluent in German and thus be able to get a better job) meanwhile I started a job in July.After three month I realized the company was utter crap and decided to quit the job and find a new opportunity. We have some savings and a cheap apartment, so this was no problem.

After my wife finished her final German class, she told me she wants to go back to Taiwan “one final time” before starting to look for a job in Munich. She left for 4 weeks.

During the time the calls became less frequent, the messages colder. I had been feeling something was off for a while, particularly after my partner's return to Germany Our communication became sparse and the emotional/physical warmth we shared seemed to disappear.Two weeks later she suddenly mentioned, that she hates Germany and wants to move back to Taiwan, it only added to the strain, as it would greatly impact my life since I don’t speak Mandarin and as the sole breadwinner my career opportunities would be very limited (work as an English teacher maybe or in a coffee shop as a clerk).

In Germany I could make an above average salary and take care of both of us easily – even though she always made her own money in Austria as well. I understood her reasons somewhat (be closer to her parents / cultural difference in Asia where kids are taking care of her parents when they get older).But still, it didn’t seem right to me. She was already in Europe for around 7 years and sometimes got home sick but it was never an ultimatum that we have to leave together or she will go alone. It hurt me deeply.

I was devastated and saw a divorce already on the horizon. I was hurt by her proposal since there was no real discussion about it. It was an “eat or die” kind of proposal. She also didn’t really have a plan how we would survive there monetarily and what the plan b would be in case I find no job.After many fights, tears and reconciliations we agreed to continue to work on our relationship to make her feel more save/home in Germany until February. Then we would decide together if we move, she moves, we separate, etc.I (maybe selfishly) expected her to show me some love again since we agreed to move on together (at least until February).

But the kisses were cold, hugs and touches in the evening (not even sexual in nature) were steadily denied by her. I felt like shit. 24/7. But I didn’t want to lose her – I still loved her.

Quick sidestory: My wife has very many lesbian friends. Maybe that should have been a "pink flag" from the beginning for me but I am very open minded, met most of them personally and found them to be great people. Only one of them I didnt meet in person (foreshadowing much...) For about the last 12-16 months she reconnected with an old "tomboy" friend of hers, that she went to high school with. The girl is deeply troubled, bipolar, suicidal, manipulative and would start texting and talking to her for support. This quickly escalated rather quickly into daily phone calls in the evening for hours. We are talking about 4-5 hours daily in the end. Since my wife always told me about the girl in question and her problems, I knew about her and sometimes felt that she is not a good “company” for my wife. One time they were fighting and my wife cut contact with her. The next 2-3 days she was bombarded by calls from the girl (day 1 around 20/day2 around 50/ day 30 around 80 missed calls). Day 4 – my wife picked up. And they became "friends" again (you know exactly where this is going)

Yesterday I was driven by a weird suspicion and was really curious what they were texting about the whole day. So, I took her iPad while she was out of the house with some friends and checked the messages. I was devastated by what I found: photos of her kissing the other woman and numerous messages where they expressed their love for each other.

They referred to me as "the roommate", took pictures of a ring they gave to each other (my wife took of my wedding ring on those pictures).They discussed how much they love each other in detail, called each other husband and wife, exchanging how much they love each others bodies and were obviously  already looking/planning to move in together. They also discussed that my wife should get a divorce (she wanted to wait 1-2 years though?!). And my wife told the girl that she wouldnt even mind if I have sex with other women - this one hurt me in particular, since no loving partner would be able to say something like that. The messages went on for months. I was shaking. Feeling sick. Ready to puke. Hate. Love. Anxiety. Pain.

I confronted her immediately via phone and asked her to for 5 minutes to answer me one question. I asked her: Do you cheat on me with this girl? She denied. I told her that I saw the pictures. She answered they were drunk. I was laughing in that moment since my wife doesn’t have the enzyme to digest alcohol so this was obviously a blatant lie. I sent her the pictures I found and told her that I know everything. That I read the messages and that this means the end of our relationship. Instead of coming home to discuss it, she texted that she would pick up her belongings later, leave the house key, and be gone for good. No sorry, no explanation, no nothing in that moment. I spent the night at my dad’s place, crying, sleeping for 30 minutes and feeling like crap honestly. Anxiety, fear, betrayal, the shitty divorce process rushing through my head the whole night. It was pure hell.

The next day I came back to our apartment and broke down crying. She took all her belongings and is gone. It feels like someone you loved deeply died and suddenly disappeared in thin air. When I saw our wedding picture still hanging at our mirror in the hallway, I felt like I am dying. It just hurt so much. While I'm relieved she left quickly, but the pain is unbearable.

During the last few days, she texted me that she is sorry, that she should have told me when she started developing feelings for this woman and that I am a good guy. She got confused but it was too late to go back. Some "remorse". No real closure (even though she being gone is closure I guess). I winder how long they've been living this double life behind my back. I feel so betrayed. I read so many messages between the two "lovebirds" and looked at so many pictures where they are kissing that are now stuck in my head. The look in the pictures – she once gave it to me. Now her heart belongs the old friend.

Today she moved back to Taiwan (since everything in Munich reminds her of me.... not really sure if its not the call of the new girlfriend making her want to move back so fast ;)).

We agreed to have an "amicable" divorce and I will have the first meeting with the lawyer in Munich tomorrow. She will not want anything from me. I will not want anything from her. We just want to go separate ways. This soothed my anxiety surrounding financial destruction and epic court fights somewhat (even though nothing is signed yet, etc.) I told her, that I will keep her updated and let her know what papers she has to sign, information she has to share and so on. I'm struggling with immense hurt and a sense of betrayal. I guess there is no deeper meaning to this wall of text besides me venting. Any advice or shared experiences would be immensely helpful for my journey. Thank you for reading and for any support you can offer.

PS: Thanks for the amazing podcast, even though there are not so many episodes related to lesbian spouses, the insights by "survivors" are a true treasure chest of amazing advise and insights.

Last edited by BetrayalSurvivor23 (November 28, 2023 6:22 pm)