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1 of 1- bc_nz
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Feeling totally confused and stuck
Hi there
I’m brand new here (all the way from New Zealand) and have been grateful for the stories and advice. It feels good to have a community. Thank you.
My partner of four years and the step mother of my two kids has always been bi, but has recently (a week ago) declared there is ‘something not right at the core of our relationship’. Her hypothesis is that it’s because she’s gay. She has never had a serious female relationship. She thinks she’s gay but wishes it’s not true (her words) and has even ‘prayed for the gay to go away’ (again, her words). Note; neither of us are religious, the prayer is a desperate outlier.
At the same time she says she absolutely loves me, and doesn’t want to lose me, and the potential future we have. We continue to have sex.
I ask her how these two things can coexist. I don’t want to invalidate her feelings, but I feel one of these things can’t be true; she can’t love me completely AND think she’s gay? Can she?
She says she’s confused and the therapy she is getting is to help her choose which path to take.
So many of the feelings on this forum capture how I feel; betrayed, scared, angry, utterly sad. My sense of loss is acute and it never leaves me.
But… I also feel hope. As she works through this we’ve had some incredible, authentic and fun times together and it makes me feel hopeful. Then I remember the reality of our situation and I feel like an idiot for feeling hopeful and go back to sad. The roller coaster is absolutely killing me.
On one hand I want to ask her to leave until she has worked through this and ‘made a decision’ so I can start my grieving now - but then my fear is that she will forget her love for me (it’s also hard logistically as she plays a very significant, positive, role in my kids lives). On the other hand I want her to stay in the house while she goes through this so we can hang on to the small bit of normality and hope we have left.
I’m so confused and scared and I don’t know what to do.
I’m a strong 44yr old man with good friends, successful career and I think I’m a great dad to my kids (who I coparent with their mum) - but I feel utterly helpless, hopeless and broken. I know I’ll come out the other end of this but right now I can’t see how. I did all my hard emotional work when I seperated from my kids mum a long time ago. I don’t have it in me to do this right now.
Thanks for listening
B
Note: I completely acknowledge that in comparison my situation is much less complex than many others on this forum (not married, no biological kids etc). I’m sorry for the pain others are experiencing
Last edited by bc_nz (November 4, 2023 12:48 pm)
- PJ
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Hi and welcome to the forum!
Ok, I find your story really interesting in its differences to my story and I wonder if those differences might be crucial.
We are 18 years married. Late forties. My wife insists she is not lesbian. But I've always susected she is. We've had sex maybe twice in the last year. The last time was about 12 weeks ago. It was "make-up" sex after we had been talking about seperating for some months, but we got cold feet about it. We have 3 kids. I had told her about 6 months ago that we were over as a couple. You would think this make-up sex might be a joyful experience. But sex was the same as it always was - mechanical and detatched. No kissing, no eye contact. Me helping her achieve orgasm and feeling like I'm the one who's putting in the passion for both of us.
This is maybe a crucial difference between our two stories. IF your partner is really Bi and not just Lesbian, maybe your level of sexual and romantic fulfillment is greater than mine? IF your partner is really Bi and not Lesbian, maybe you are still passionate together? Did she ever really make you feel like you were THE ONE for her? Or did you get the feeling like you are just enabling her to pretend to be straight in bed? Because if she really is BI, then it's also possible that you are THE ONE and maybe she's getting GAY FOMO (if this is a thing?). This is A LONG SHOT but maybe if she really is Bi, there might be room to open up the relationship to allow her to explore seeing women *if you are 100% comfortable with her doing that.* You would also have to understand thet she might immediately fall head over heels for the first woman she sleeps with, or ultimately decide she likes women better, with the old "Bi now - Gay later" thing prevailing. I'm making this suggestion in ignorance - I have no experience of this and others will probably tell you that it's simply another form of bargaining, and an ugly one at that, and that you should just ask her to leave. But one thing I would say, as someone who just wants some honesty from his wife - it's good that your partner is being honest with you. Personally, I would LOVE if my wife had told me the same after 1, 4, 8, 12, 16 years of marriage. Even today, I would be completely relieved if my wife told me what your partner has told you. If I really thought my wife was Bi and not Lesbian, opening the marriage is something I personally would consider.
On the other hand, if your sexual experience together is more like my experience with my wife - mechanical and emotionally lacking - then I would suspect your partner might be Lesbian rather than Bi.
If your partner is Lesbian rather than Bi, she might find the courage and decency to leave the relationship. If only all our spouses had this courage and decency. Alternatively, she might still try to conceal, deny, insist it's fixable through prayer/therapy etc. This is the worst of all worlds for you. Because you still love her, you might find it hard not to join her in perpetuating the sham. In which case, I would recommend asking her to leave. Which, I know, is easier said than done! I am in the same boat and I am having difficulty leaving, despite everything.
Sorry you are in this position. At least she is telling you something close to the truth.
Last edited by PJ (November 4, 2023 12:35 pm)
- bc_nz
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Thanks PJ - I appreciate your thoughts and advice. Your situation sounds really tricky and I hope you’re feeling some sense of manageability right in this moment.
In terms of your questions; the sex continues to be fulfilling for both of us and I have definitely felt like ‘the one’ in our relationship. She has too. If there is a FOMO situation I don’t feel like I would do very well with an open / experimental arrangement. Too much pain.
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Thread Starter- LonelyDude
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Hey BC,
I'm sorry to hear about the pain and confusion you are going through. My own situation is similar to PJ's; like him, I envy your partner's ability to be honest with herself and you.
It is natural to want to go directly to the "So what do we do now?" question, but I feel that would be a bit premature. You are only one week into this roller coaster. In my opinion, you and your partner need at least a few weeks' worth of individual and couples' counseling to take an objective look at your thoughts and feelings. Why is she just now questioning her desire for women? Why do you think you wouldn't do well in an open/experimental relationship? Just some sample questions I think you should work through.
Once that is complete, you might be at a point to ask "What do we do now?".
In my line of work, we have a decision-making tool called the Analysis of Alternatives. We brainstorm all possible options/solutions/outcomes, and list the Pros and Cons of each. I would commend such an approach to your relationship. It might look something like this.
Option A: We do nothing, and continue as-is.
- Pros:
- Cons:
Option B: We agree to a one-month experimentation so she can explore her feelings/desires with a female partner.
- Pros:
- Cons:
Option C: We agree to a permanent open relationship, for both partners.
- Pros:
- Cons:
Option D: We terminate our relationship immediately.
- Pros:
- Cons:
There are probably a few more options, but those seem to be the main 4 from my reading. Options B and C should also come with mutually-agreed boundaries and conditions. Option B should have some information you are hoping to gain or learn from the experiment.
I find that knowledge replaces fear, so start by building your knowledge. The rest will follow in due time. You'll get through this one way or the other.
- lily
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Hi BC, thanks, yes we do have harder or easier situations but we can all relate to how you are feeling, it hurts as bad for all of us.
"she can’t love me completely AND think she’s gay? Can she?"
No, of course not. Definitely mutually incompatible beliefs.
Telling you she is bi but making it sound like you could be her one and only - how honest has she been about her feelings all along?
The thing my mother, initially a big fan of my ex, eventually said to me about him was he won't accept you and he won't let you go. It was such a relief when she said it, from inside the marriage I was subject to the relationship and not able to see it - just the way I felt and not realising what was happening. Now I could see it - he kept me at arm's length but if I tried to leave he'd stick like glue.
Taking the step back so you are not emotionally available so much as just being observant could help a lot. That's how I made progress. It was shocking it is painful. I became my own shoulder to lean on again, like it is when you are single. And eventually as I took those steps I got away from him, it was a relief to my feelings.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- bc_nz
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Hey LonelyDude
You’re right on two counts; I tend to want to get straight to the end, the resolution. I need to coach myself (with help from my pysch) to be ok with the ‘now’ and resist my need to see all the way to the end. Secondly, an analytical approach like the one you’ve outlined is inevitably helpful. Particularly as I have this overwhelming feeling to regain some control. I feel like I have zero control and that’s really really challenging for me.
Thank you LonelyDude, I appreciate it very much.
Last edited by bc_nz (November 4, 2023 5:20 pm)
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Don't forget that much of what is said here is personal opinion, even though it might be stated like it's some sort of incontrovertible fact.
Your relationship is yours and not necessarily the same as what any other of us have experienced. There are a few people here who navigated this and kept their relationship, such as Dutchman.
In my opinion, a good relationship needs mutual love, passion, honesty and compassion.
Can she love you and think she's gay ? In my opinion, probably, but is there passion ?
It sounds like you might have honesty, and possibly the compassion.
It's normal to feel scared and unsure at a time like this. I'd suggest not moving too fast in any direction until both of you get some clarity. I think LonelyDude has suggested a good approach that might allow you to step back and gain a more holistic overview of the situation.
Post as often as you need to.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- lily
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Re: Feeling totally confused and stuck
Tell me Daryl, what do you believe - do you believe loving a man completely and being attracted to women is mutually compatible?
Having been caught in a long term marriage to a gay in denial husband I know how confusing it is, how much we end up with incompatible beliefs and if you are an honest person this becomes distressing over time and further impedes your confidence in your own opinion. So yes I stick my neck out here in a way I wouldn't in general society but I am fed up of being disapproved of - had enough of that already too, thanks. so best of luck everyone. over and out.
Last edited by lily (November 5, 2023 7:21 pm)