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October 29, 2023 10:06 pm  #1

This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

My husband seems to be abandoning the bi label for himself. He came out saying, “I think I’m bisexual” four years ago. He’s never been comfortable or keen on the idea of actually doing anything with a man. He doesn’t find men attractive at all. And, generally speaking, he doesn’t like men. We’ve spoken about all of this in great length over the years. He has a very high level, demanding position and he earns in the top 1% (I’m saying this to give any idea of the responsibility he has) in his field. He handles the stress well I think, but because he’s almost always in charge he likes the idea of being less in charge on some occasions in the bedroom. He’s perfectly happy with that person being me, a cis heterosexual woman.

I’ve heard about this in the past, but never thought too much of it. Anyone, it really doesn’t change anything for us if he keeps the bi label or not.


Last edited by TangledOil (October 29, 2023 10:36 pm)


October 30, 2023 6:09 am  #2

Re: This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Hi Tangled,
So he used to identify as Bi (though never seemed to act on it), and is now leaning toward Straight? That might be the "fluid" tag that we read about sometimes, but I've never heard of fluidity moving in the direction of purely straight before.
You are an honorable lady for sticking it out with him over the years. I hope your needs are being met.


October 30, 2023 12:31 pm  #3

Re: This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Hi LonelyDude,

Thanks for your reply. It’s a long story, but I’ll make it short. He was victimized by an older male when he was very young (age 7). It was someone he knew and trusted and the person turned out to be a huge creep/criminal. My husband didn’t know that what the guy did to him was wrong/inappropriate until a few years later. We’ve been together and monogamous over 30 years. I’ve known he’s always had issues with men in general… doesn’t trust or like most men. Thinks most men are creepy, and as my therapist would agree and say “most women think most men are creepy too.” Anyway, he has met two men in his life (mid 50) he would have ever considered for anything, but nothing happened. He’s been propositioned a few times at entertainment events and always declined without any regret. Early on after he came out I offered to help him find someone… he was very uncomfortable with the reality of a man… I think his victimization as a young child messed with him for sure and part of his interest was a desire to recreate with a consenting experience. Anyway, not sure if he’d call himself fluid because he can’t ever see himself actually being with a man sexually, and definitely not romantically. We’ll see as time passes, but like I said it changes nothing for us.

PS… it seems he liked the fantasy far better than he imagined the reality would be. Oh, I wanted to add… we’ve had many discussions about how all this would work for a “bi man” who doesn’t like men in general and also doesn’t find them attractive… it’s been a wild 4 years, but we’re all better off for it. 🤷‍♀️🤣


Last edited by TangledOil (October 30, 2023 1:04 pm)

     Thread Starter

October 30, 2023 9:24 pm  #4

Re: This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Hi Tangled,
Thank you for that thoughtful reply! I think so many of us on this forum are caught in the emotional pendulum of inner emotions, and we (at least, I) sometimes forget to empathize with our partners and their life experiences that brought them, us, to this unfortunate place. I truly appreciate your words that brought me back to a place of empathy for what my GIDW must have been experiencing her entire life.

I am finding myself back in a familiar place of feeling unwanted, unattractive, and undesirable. Is this something that you experienced on your journey? If so, may I ask how you coped with it, and continue to press on with dignity and self-respect?

As I stated before, I have utmost respect for your decision to make it work, somehow. Whatever secret sauce you are using in that recipe, I want some of that, because I don't feel like I have it in me.


October 30, 2023 9:57 pm  #5

Re: This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Hello again LonelyDude,

I’m so sorry for what you’re feeling. I’ve never felt unwanted, undesirable, or unattractive. That didn’t waiver at any point in time even with him coming out. He never desired to replace me if that makes sense. We continue to have a great relationship and sex life. I’ll admit that my desire dwindled for a bit because the thought of it all was certainly not a turn on. 🤣

I’m happy to talk about it all if you (or others) have questions. 

Edit… In the first few months after disclosure I suggested he move out/we divorce so he could explore. I didn’t suggest it in a mean way, just rather matter of fact. He had no interest in any of that. Then sometime later I suggested I be involved in finding a person for him and proceeded to look for someone although he said he wasn’t interested. Oddly, I really liked that idea. He was rather terrified at the whole prospect and I believe that’s when it became clear that he doesn’t find men attractive and never has. In retrospect it’s comical.


Last edited by TangledOil (October 31, 2023 12:01 am)

     Thread Starter

January 3, 2024 6:33 am  #6

Re: This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Dear LonelyDude,
I haven´t been online for quite a while and so I only read your question today. 
I am familiar with the feeling of being unwanted, undesirable and unattractive. My finacé has a very low sexdrive on top on his general attraction to men while I´m a woman. 
I´m happy to tell some more of why we are engaged anyway, but wanted to respond to your question on how to cope with these feelings. 
It was very hard for me. Still is sometimes. What helped me most was a confidante with similar experience. My financé is part of a group of men struggeling with their sexuality and actually it was him who connected me with the wife of another man. With her I could talk openly and she could relate by own experience. She allowed me to get in contact with her anytime I needed (even if I just wanted to scream from frustration). 
That woman is part of the reason why we´re still in this relationship. 
The other (not less significant) part is: I can talk about my feelings with my partner and he is willing to meet my needs. This quite often means me telling him explicitly what my needs are. 
Sometimes it's a balancing act between what I long for and what he can give me. But we´re willing to work through the difficulties, knowing how much we love and value one another. 

Please feel free to ask, if you have any questions. 
I´m wishing you all the best!


February 21, 2024 7:24 pm  #7

Re: This may sound strange, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Dear Tangled,
Your experience is encouraging! My husband "came-out" to me as bi-sexual three months ago, after I discovered a lot of gay port on his phone (along with straight porn). He admitted to being attracted and fantasizing about young, athletically built men. I since offered him a "hall pass" to go and explore on his own, he reflected and said he didn't want to, but would consider a threesome. When discussing this idea, he seems to be very sure he doesn't want to have sex with a guy. He thinks he will enjoy touching and watching me/him. He started therapy, but so far, he can't pin his attraction to any dramatic childhood event. It is hard for me to gauge which way it will go at this stage, but it is encouraging to hear, it doesn't always end up in the "bi/gay" camp. Well done you two! People tend to celebrate "coming-out" so-so-so much, but I don't think you and him get a lot of applause for simply finding the root-cause and working through it.


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