I've been with my wife for 17 years. Met her and her 2 year old son and felt immense love for them both immediately. Threw all my other plans and passions on the back burner to be with them when I was in my early twenties, had two more sons and have never looked back. Until...
Her "friend".Not a family friend. Not my friend. I've told my wife I really don't think her "friend" likes me. My wife said "I think she's just indifferent" Does not come to family events. Met my wife when my oldest son did theater. Wife worked for theater until COVID. After covid I offered to help with kids camp. All seemed a go and then it fell through. No talk of kid camp anymore especially after the affair.

Wife and "friend" have 10 hour a day conversations nearly daily. Literally. Did finally admit when I said I was checking phone records.

She doesn't trust me to drive her around but will trust this "friend" to drive. She tells me she has to have the control.

I noticed my wife sits out in the car in the driveway sometimes for a whole hour talking to this "friend". Loud enough for me to recognize voices but not words even from inside our house. Meanwhile I am inside waiting/wishing to hang out. Also, secret McDonald's. She has mentioned being uncomfortable with her naked body and is obese. But this other friend is also. I am not. She has mentioned she thinks female bodies are more aesthetically pleasing and that she thinks muscles are gross.

Even before fabrics there was lularoe. With this friend. They also live in the next town over about half an hour away.

Many, many weekends away overnight getting new fabric patterns from different states and towns for masks even though we had tons. We now have a hoarder roomful and two closets. Spilling out into the dining room too now. She's now admitted they were trips to get away "for fun". I asked to be a part of them and help with mask making. She said no. After mask making ended a new hobby of "yooper light" rock hunting began followed by more and more weekends of multiple overnights away. Only recently I found a picture of the capitol on the day gay marriage became legal bundled with her friends picture and a lot of makeup I've never seen because...well ..my wife doesn't usually EVER wear it..Also, a vape for pot I had never seen.

I've lamented in the past that almost the only activity we do together is the parallel play of television and usually one or both of us is on our phones and my wife is on her computer. Talking usually seems to be met with sighs and groans. Presumably because it means a real interaction with eye contact and such. My wife has said if we don't have TV then "I guess we just don't have anything in common.

I had been feeling like we were drifting apart and that almost any friends (I was more jealous of male friends) seemed to be getting more attention than me. She had also seemed very unenthusiastic about sex lately (no eye contact, light, touching me, barely touching my genitals) and has seemed uninterested in trying anything new or exploring for years. She had mentioned she thinks "women's bodies are more appealing". Also she says she "doesn't like muscles". I mentioned this to her and even talked about trying sleeping separately to see if maybe some time without as much closeness might have her more enthusiastic about me. We didn't try though and our lives seems to go on separately even though in the same house.

Boob pic March 23, 2022 from her "friend". It came exactly at 4:20 and they have been exploring pot together. She claimed it was a breast cancer thing but there is no context. No question asked by her friend or response from her.

April 9th 2022
This is when my questioning began. I had never questioned us before even when she went to festivals with guy friends without me. I saw the email because our Google accounts are connected and we get each other's pop ups. Something I ironically often asked about fixing.
Secure Your Tinder account email(legit) popped up on my screen. On a weekend away with her "friend". 3rd or 4th in a row. Waited to talk till she got home but doomscrolling. She blew up at the gall I would have to ask when she got home. Super defensive and unempatheic seeming which is not like her in my opinion. At one point she even suggested maybe I sent it.She denied everything even with me saying it was all okay if that was what she needed and I just wanted open communication and honesty. I cried that I thought I was losing her. I asked her to look at what people said about that type of email but she refuses to look it up or discuss it in any rational seeming way. Later I expressed (on sisters advice) that I did want exclusivity but also just wanted her. I realize now that's unrealistic. I just want a deep monogamous relationship with a woman who wants to share all our secrets, snuggle, do shared activities like dancing, clowning, gaming, playing music, hiking, etc. Anyways, she stayed in contact with this "friend"I found later) but told me she wouldn't. Later she backpedaled that and said she only meant in person. She offered for me to look at messages but I said no. I tried to get her to pull up the Tinder but she wouldn't. She called customer service somewhere away from me but only came back to where we were talking in a panic with a lady on speaker. My wife yelled at this lady that the account was ruining her marriage and needed deletion to which this calm lady replied "Ma'am you have already deleted it." Then my wife flashed me something on her phone screen that was supposed to confirm this and walked away.

She volunteered not "being friends" with her "friend" but the messages I found later indicated that was not followed through on.

One occasion over the summer she talked to our janitor for 3 hours in the garden while I hoped (and asked) for help and company. But she just wouldn't hang up. She talked to him at work too often and he would share inappropriate details about his marital problems. Makes me think she is over sharing our issues perhaps?

Early September 2022
I noticed she had her Facebook status set to interested in women. She acted confused and claimed she wasn't aware. Then that she didn't know what it meant. Later that we never even had the conversation. Problematic for me. I don't identify as female and don't plan too though I very much love and respect those who do.

I asked about her "friend" because of how close, how much time, the hiding of how much time, the greater trust given (i.e. riding passenger in the car) and this "friend" being with her alone to hang out nearly all the time unlike my wife's other female friends. And now I'm thinking of how my wife said women's bodies are more aesthetically pleasing. My wife has had body shame issues develop as she gone from overweight when we were first together to obese. She struggles but also won't exercise or change diet with me. And her friend is very similar so in my brain my wife could be comfortable in a way she doesn't seem to be with me.

Also realizing I had started doing rock hunts with my wife (hoping for quality time) and they slowed way down. She also would comment on little fun things her friend and her did differently then us. Like when one of us commented on something related to this "friend's" husbands name she'd say "oh my "best friend" and I always say 'No he's [at home]". Yeah, I'm thinking...being cuckolded (at least emotionally) it would seem. My wife has mentioned when I asked why her "friend" and her husband don't get a divorce considering the lack of intimacy and my wife says it is because her "friend" can't afford it.

I wanted to tell my eldest the truth about his parentage. She said yes. Then backpedaled. He's 19. I said I'm telling him in 5 minutes with or without you. Pushed for years. I'm not sure of my parentage and it is his info to decide what to do with. I also offered for us for drive down there and tell him in person. She said no. I'm his adoptive father.

That's when suddenly after years of me asking about being bipolar and her saying "No, my Dad was and you're nothing like that she started gas lighting me about my sanity.

She took the kids away to Grandma's without me and stole my car keys so I was stuck at home. She also took my old firearm (my only one that I had forgotten about and rarely shot ever, hadn't in years) and pocketknife, etc. I just told her to sell it (and I kept the receipt cause it creeped me out).You get the idea. No discussion. She called the police on me for making a mini escape room in our house ( which we talked about and have done before) while I was on a walk. It was set up to end in our vow renewals. She showed up at the house unannounced and would yell at me. She refuses to let me even see the kids at Grandma's. She took them again this time without respecting the discussion. And even though my kids and I have a great relationship, suddenly they are not talking to me .... again

Late August 2023

Later (a year later) when I sneaked her texts after she was acting cagey about her phone. We had a rough conversation. I think she knew I was feeling suspicious and about to look. Went to shower then suddenly came back out after a bit grabbed her phone and decided not to shower. We went to bed. I snuck downstairs to her computer.

I looked at the messages from Facebook going back a while.

I found out that my wife texts her "friend" right after our late night (10 o'clock talk) last September to tell her that I noticed she was interested in women on Facebook and wondering if the two of them were more than friends. Her "friend" texted back "lol but not lol. The mania will probably make him forget..." Pretty fucked up. Especially after my wife spent this time the past year and a half convincing me everything she's doing was to help me because I'm crazily suspecting the two of them and need help with my mental health. Didn't help that all of this does make me feel hurt and nuts.


A comment by my wife about not wanting to see me when I was possibly manic, hurt. I was saying things that seemed true to me but in a harsh way. I was being a bit of an asshole. Her "friend" thought it okay to suggest to my wife to "make the bedroom off limits". Seems inappropriate for her to suggest what happens in my wife's and my bedroom.

My wife filmed me playing drums poorly without my permission then sent it to her "friend" in a way that felt like derision. Her "friend" says "is that Cindy lauper." Sent another one.There was a facepalm involved.

My wife ng pictures of me when possibly manic dressed as a clown. A hobby I took up as a coping mechanism. We had some clowning at a festival together. Good memory. Her and I clowned together once at a circus themed festival. Back when we did more things together.

She took and sent the picture of me as a clown (not doing clown things but involved in my regular life) and sent it to her "friend" who said "Does he think he's being funny?". My wife sent another picture. Her "friend" said "oh that's so sad". The message I got was that I was pathetic and sad.

My wife keeps painting me as mentally and she wants to help. She sometimes describes herself as "aggressively helpful"

Feb.17, 2023
On my birthday her friend sent a meme of a toy clown to my wife. Says For [me]above it"I am for clownery and only for clownery." My wife had zero response. When confronted by me after I read it she froze but eventually defended her "friend" with "She didn't know you would see it." I told her I "Did not give a fuck whether her "friend" thought I would see it or not" She flipped to "I didn't know it would be hurtful". A week later it changed to "I typed out several responses but deleted them".

In March complaints about a family disney trip she wanted and plan. Her and her "friend" really love disney. Her "friend" has trips paid for by her rich Mom often. But anyway, my wife complains about How she's not going on rock trip because the money invested in the Disney family trip. This "friend" comes back with "what if there was more money?" So now this "friend" may be financing her.


In May of 2023 after those hurtful things said and the heart bomb on my birthday my wife is super excited leading up to their first rock hunt in a while. This "friend's" meme (a tiktok reel) shortly after the trip is two women who look like a lesbian couple (30k people in comments mention it) is titled something like 'when your bestie is literally you but in a different font and ends with a 🌸🌀.  Maid in the Moment. My wife's response to the meme is that it's "Hilarious and oh so true". I'm scared the emojis really seem to suggest giving a woman oral which I love to do ( I know only 30% of men do but 70% of women can only finish that way) ... but it had long become the only thing she was much excited for. And the favor is rarely returned never as a solo (except once early on) and never to completion. She did have a bad experience once but does not discuss. I get that. I've seen some nasty porn with choking and whatnot and that's awful. I've had many girlfriends not enjoy that because of past asshats. Sometimes guys are really fucking awful.

All that said she barely touched, sucked or fucked me with any kind of enthusiasm. Meanwhile I feel like I'm fucking my face with her entire body sometimes to get her off. And I do. It would all be good if I wasn't wondering if she was maybe thinking of someone else. Also, an insistence on lights off even if its just me. Not even lights during foreplay and no kissing for foreplay. Also, when it's just me I just get to jerk myself off and maybe touch a boob.

She gave me a handjob once when we were first together. Then only once recently after lots of begging and she didn't finish because I was "taking too long". Meanwhile, I will go down for 15-20 minutes or more.

After I scrolled up to the boob picture sent in March of 22 shortly before the April 9 2022 tinder email I stopped there but I'd be curious to see what else was being said leading up to that. But my brain was melting, My wife woke up and now she won't go through them with me and explain which leaves me thinking things are AT LEAST as bad as I think. She is also missing all texts after April 9,2022 with this "friend" on her phone. I only saw Facebook messages. Her phone records on her phone are also missing with this "friend" July of 2023 and before. Right after their last 'rock hunt". As far Facebook messenger texts there are texts that say that they are encrypted...often in suspicious parts of the conversation.

After my discovery of the texts and her being upset about invasion of privacy (she said I could look a year ago) she has become far more sexual and doing things I've struggled to try and add to or enhance our sex life. Simple things that had faded like eye contact and more kissing/foreplay. Some lights on. No its way more intimidate kissing. I asked about spanking fully expected a no and got a yes. I asked for a little light and got it. I love women with natural hair. I just love natural women who are comfortable in their own skin and largely don't care what hateful people may think. She was like that at first...it's been great but I still feel like I haven't heard the truth.

I struggle because ...
My wife's continued refusal to admit to an emotional affair. She offered to stop talking to her friend and supposedly has without me even asking. She offered it tearfully, breaking down almost like I do when thought I was losing her in April. I mentioned her hurtful meme response. Balling for a little like I did on April 9 when I thought I was losing her. Later I talked of divorce when she wouldn't show me the messages from her "friend" past March or talk about the things that i already saw. If she continues to value her "friend" still after everything.... There were no tears or trying to say she needed me, loved cherishes me. Just crying that she didn't know where she could go. I told her I wouldn't just kick her out without talking. Right now we agreed on a hold to any discussion of the affair as much as we can until we might talk with someone together maybe.

She still won't look at the messages from her "friend" with me and explain or show me they don't usually deride me. Now she has taken to hiding her computer but seeming to lie/make excuses about why it's suddenly no longer around when she often spent nearly all her time with me on her computer (usually seemed to be Facebook) and watching TV when with me. A parallel play I often complained about.

Sept.1st, 2023
I am no longer communicating my whereabouts or trying to make much small talk. She knows I feel that I will probably keep hiding myself that way if she continues to hide/protect her "friend". I need to keep myself healthy and safe. My wife and her are still Facebook friends. She said she hasn't talked or text but her "friend" has tried to call. On my wife's birthday. I also weirdly got a password change request that day on Facebook that I did not do. 🤔

I'm struggling to see a way forward.

Sept. 7, 2023

We have an argument about me going hiking without letting her know first. We had an argument that morning. I am upset and raising my voice complaining about the Christmas tree still up in the music room and all the stuff being piled in there by all of us. My wife says "What did I do to deserve this?" I was being a grumpy turd and I let slip "What did I do to deserve those messages to your "friend"? Wait, nevermind I shouldn't say that. Now you'll be off messaging your "friend" about how annoying I am" In the argument that night I also brought up that she could have "chatted with her "friend" for 10 hours while I was gone". I know. Not a good choice.

I brought up divorce that night in frustration about the continued hidden messages and she almost left. Asked if I wanted her and the kids to leave. Which is unfair. She took the kids last time without asking or discussion and wouldn't let me see them. I did nothing that I recall to be deemed unsafe to myself or others and I asked her for a reason and she said she had nothing. Just that she was confused on what to do. Mainly I was just speaking out aggressively about the affair. I know I need to let that aggression go though. We both slept far apart on our bed. An often enough occurrence. Asleep by 9:30.

Still I struggle to see a way forward

Sun Sept. 10, 2023

I asked her if she agreed if it be best if again we take some space. She is staying with her Mom. Took the kids again without respect my ask for a discussion. Last time she left and refused to let me see them Even took our bear stuffed with our late baby daughter's ashes as well leaving me with no kids. Which she did again. I feel extremely hated and hurt when she does that. I have done nothing unsafe and she has always praised (though challenged-sometimes rightly) my parenting and told me I'm a really good Dad. Even vouching for me doing the childcare work we both do. I've been there 6 years now. I am in the house my Dad owns that we agreed to put equivalent rent into in exchange for him eventually gifting the home. However, I struggle to get investment in even major fixes like a leak that is in the foundation that I've asked for money for months. My wife is going to bingo every Monday. She spent $25 on one mobile game in January. I never look at our bank account or bills, just handed that over toy wife thinking that would take money off our argument list and leave only sex, right? Obviously, a mistake. I have asked for separate bank accounts after the last inkling of infidelity but nothing has changed. I asked again this time. Still waiting...I could look at statements myself now though. For a long time I was not even on the account as a holder. It was just her and her Mom in control. I had to fight for that. She has now messaged about trying to set up separate bank accounts.

I'm realizing she also seems to starting to belittle me. I mentioned a silly crocheted wizard hat I almost bought when we took my youngest son to a fantasy adventure place for his birthday. She said in a seemingly hateful voice "I would never be seen in public with you in that." She also mocked my son for liking a Zorro style hat.

Here's the feeling that keeps coming up. I'm caught with this immense love for her but also after the mockery of my very sanity I feel continuing to indulge my feelings for her is putting me in danger of looping back into a painful cycle where I'm betrayed again by her and I'm not sure my heart could take it this time. I feel like I barely pulled through last time and I almost slipped away from sanity reading those messages and that God awful meme. That one has seemed a bit sticky 😕 I've also noticed her eyeing waitresses up and down now that I'm looking. Only the female ones...

9/24/23
Discovered HSA checks written to herself fraudulently signed by me and obviously not my signature. I am missing checks but estimating by what I have it would seem she has been slowly draining thousands rom the HSA every year since at least April of 2020.

We are separated. I am living at our old home with no kids. My oldest son is 20 and at college. She has taken the 14 and 16 year old kids (claiming they wanted to go with her but never had a family sit down) and she is living (and sleeping) with her Mom who lives in town. Her stepdad who her Mom calls her about and complains about must sleep somewhere else. I had told her I never wanted to end up like him. Being complained about incessantly behind his back. Anyways, we worked at the same job so I have put in two weeks and am looking for something new right now. I'm confused, hurt, devastated and I miss my kids and the life we had desperately. I feel manipulated and powerless to change the situation with my children. I miss the romance we had but feel like it was a lie and I'm so lonely. I got money for counseling together we had agreed on and suddenly she ghosted me a while. Been about a week. I dropped off some things for the kids and her for winter and her Mom sent me a nasty emailed. I replied with the counseling update and suddenly my wife talked to me. I have a feeling Mom is behind that. My wife has barely contacted me and doesn't seem to miss me at all. I wonder if Mom would approve of her sexuality if my wife ever came out? They are sleeping together. I'm so lost and confused. What do I do? Please help.