lily wrote:

.....there was a poster here called Out Of His Closet who stuck it out a long way, thankfully divorced now, but she wrote extensively and I think you should be able to find her posts still on this site....

Welcome Lucretia Yip Lily's right OutofHisCloset was the person to go to if you needed to talk about trans spouses. She was a wealth of information but sadly she left the site after a disagreement with Admin.

Ellexoh
 

Lucretia,
I have had experience with my Ex bf, after 17 years of living together that he was a trans femme and wanted to transition with hormones.  You can read in depth about my experience in my post of Eyes Wide Open and Trying to Move On from Sept 2019.  I also have Our Stories Update from 2019 to present.  I’ve tried not to be too graphic on the sexual part, but it will give you an idea what the challenges were for me.  
When I expressed my concern how the hormone therapy would affect the sexual response and our relationship, he said that he would consider me.  However, behind my back he went to and started it anyway.
He said that he would not have any SRS, nor an orchiectomy.  However I know he has had the orchiectomy this year and the other surgery is not off the table.  He was talking about breast implants back in 2017 when he first announced his trans identity to me.  Maybe he had his mind made up but only told me things in increments.
Besides the drastic physical changes from hormone therapy there were drastic mind and personality changes before and after hormones.  It is mind boggling.  Actually I was shocked.  I thought he had a nervous breakdown or a brain tumor to have changed so radically in personality and morals. 
Once he was on a path to transition he went at warp speed ahead.  In time he became the center of himself, I was invisible to him.  Thank goodness I was not married to him, did not have children and did not live with him the years of his transition.  
I don’t know how your husband is towards you and your feelings about this,  My ex was always dismissive about my feelings.  

Lily,
I never thought his hovering and attempts at communication was love.  In fact each attempt triggered me for days.   For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why he’d want to be friends as I was previously ‘crazy’, our relationship was ‘dead for years’ and I was always wrong in what I said, did, even thought.   Previous attempts of us being ‘friends’ did not work out, as that mask of good behavior would drop and back to the abusive side especially if I questioned or expressed any of my feelings.  Three times and you are out, right?  I came to my senses. NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT.  Just open the door ever so slightly, engage and bam suddenly he’s in your life and the drama starts all over again.  Why does he want to be friends when he’s already got a FWB for years?  Because he can. Maybe he can’t manipulate her.  I remember when he told me that she didn’t like it when he wore pink or plaid, didn’t like it when he cooked certain foods, when she’d call after 9 pm and talk for 1 hr or so.  If I had been that way, I certainly would have been put in my place and lectured. I’m suspecting he just can’t manipulate her, play head games and abuse, idk.  But he knows my buttons and how to get a response from me as well as control me and suppress my voice.   Part of the communication is to ‘stick it to me’ in a passive aggressive way. Telling me how FWB and him would cook together, how intelligent she is, and sent a pic of both of them w/his head on her shoulder that they went on a Fall Leaves Tour (which we used to do annually) and the glorious accomplishments he’s doing in the LGBTQ community.  
He is cunning as a Fox and a master manipulator at getting you into his web.  I don’t understand it but I think it’s a sick game. I tread carefully as I never knew what he’d do if I wigged out when he used to ring my doorbell.  When I told him years ago that he was verbally and emotionally abusive, suddenly he turned the tables around and said that I was physically abusive to him.  What?  I was never abusive.  But he is so suave and has such good social skills, a calm convincing manner and appears so normal in public, that if I was provoked and stressed by him, I’m sure he’d turn the tables and people would believe him as the sane one and he’d accuse me of some fictional abuse for spite and revenge.  He has never touched me physically but with the emotional and verbal abuse he seems revengeful.  So I have never trusted him.  I locked my bedroom door at night in 2017 when we broke up and he finally left.  
Best bet is absolute No Contact.  I am grateful that I don’t live with the mindf@k, gaslighting, abuse and drama.  

lily wrote:

I'd been completely sandbagged under it all being my fault right from the start.  While he seemed so nice, he was always unkind to me in an underhanded way and so no wonder I wanted to get away!

It still hits me when reading others experiences, just how similar they are. That is one thing I still struggle with....how could someone so nice do this? I would have said the same thing. He was just so nice. Everyone said the same - my family, friends, anyone we met - that he was just such a nice man.

When the snarky comments started, and all the "little" ways he backhandedly made me feel like crap....when I felt unsettled and like something was not quite right....and he just lied, and I believed him...all I could think is I must be crazy, he's too nice...