I am a straight man whose wife has come out as bi.
We were married in 99 and have 3 adult children.
My wife had betrayed me, not with another person, 3 years ago in a huge way.
Because of this I asked her for a divorce. 
We ended up staying together and lived together for another year.
As part of our retirement plans she moved to another country as a good job came up to get us permanent residence and we have been living apart for parts of the year since.
This was 2 years ago. I go and live with her for 4 months of the year.
Last year I came back home and had a bad case of covid I caught on the plane.
I was missing her terribly and not dealing with being physically separated well.
I was seeing a therapist at that time.
I was extremely depressed and strange things started happening.  
This is when she decided to tell me she was bi. 
When she told me that she said" its every guys fantasy to have a 3 way with 2 girls".
I said it was not mine and she said "OHH thats to bad"
I asked her if she was wanting a 3 way and she said no she could never share me.
So I asked if she was wanting to be with a woman she said yes but on her own and that "no not right now" and that it might not happen until I died.
I am 53 she is 47.
So I then asked her if she was wanting to swing, again she answered "no not right now".
I argued with her that those answers are a yes and she said no that she was giving that answer because she did not want me to be shocked mad or upset if she changed her mind and so that I could not say she had said no before.
I became very, clinically, depressed and was suicidal.
I told her that I wanted to sell my business and move to be with her early and she said no it was not worth enough yet so that I could not.
She said she did not want me to be a burden on her finances and her retirement.
I ended up going back for a quick visit  out of desperation.
We have an open book policy so she knows how to look in my phone and computer and vice versa.
I checked her phones video history and i saw lots of lesbian porn and 3 way porn going back a long way.
She had a "friend" who ended up living with her for a few months.
I had noticed when I went for a visit that the 2 of them flirted back and forth alot.
This friend was with a guy so i did not think much of it till one of my kids after having visited commented that the 2 of them flirted really hard with each other.
I asked her if anything was going on with the 2 of them and my wifes answer was that "she's not my type".
While that "friend" was around it seemed that even though I was in serious mental duress i was on my own.
She had a 12 day stretch off and I had begged her to come back to see me as she has more opportunity to do that then I have to go there.
She told me no she was too busy.
When I asked her what she was busy with she told me she had clothes to wash and grass to cut and yard chores to do.
I asked if that was more important than coming to see me when I really needed the support and she said yes it was more important as it bugs her if those things need to be done. 
In the end she came to see me but spent most of her time going to see other people here than spending it with me.
I opted to do some pretty radical treatment, ketamine, to get myself in a better mindset.
That was working but second last treatment before I left to go to her for the winter was bad and set me back.
When I got there she seemed different.  
She was not very interested in sex.
Her "friend" had moved away and was not coming back, and hasn't.
My wife seemed to recloset herself. 
I did not attempt to deal with the issues when I was there with her.
I don't think I had the capacity to deal with them.
The day before I left to come back home she asked me for some help with her phone.
I was showing her that the issue was she had to many apps open and as I was doing that a few of n them were porn and all female stuff.
We had agreed that we would not look at any porn by ourselves while I was back but that was not what happened.
I asked her about it ands she said it was only once, but it was not.
I also asked her why she was not that interested in sex while I was home and she said that was not true.
So this year I have been slightly better on my own here without her, we do skype every day and always have.
She had some blow ups and was accusing me of going on dating websites which I had not.
She suspected that because we were not getting along very well and there was one day we did not skype.
After being apart for 6 months she came for a visit and again was accusing me of cheating on her because a water bottle with flowers on it was here, my eldest child had left it behind on her last visit.
Ever since she betrayed me I have not been able to confide in her about work stuff and then when she essentially shrugged me off when I was not in a good way mentally I have not been able to confide in her with personal stuff.

I feel that I am just her security blanket until she is ready to make the full and final leap to being with a woman.
I feel that i have no future with her and that it would wreck me to fully trust her again to only have her pull the rug out from under at sometime in the future by leaving to be with a woman and being able to justify it because of what she has already told me.

I need help.
S

Last edited by clueless70 (October 2, 2023 7:46 pm)