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1 of 1- fragmentofme
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Boyfriend possibly considering transitioning?
My boyfriend of 2 years came out to me as non-binary last December, in which I offered my full support no hesitation. It was still a somewhat difficult transition, but I pushed through for them. However, since they came out to me I've had an inkling that them being non-binary wasn't entirely the case. They had talked about thinking how they might've been a woman back in middle school before, but ended up pushing themselves back into the closet and dealt with negative feelings towards the trans community for a little bit after. Recently, I pulled a really shitty girlfriend move and decided to look through their phone when they weren't around. I felt so guilty because I had never done something like that before after two years of dating, but what I found confirmed my suspicions and anxieties that I have been dealing with over the past few months. I found searches in their search history dating back to July 2023 of things such as "fem names" "mtf body workouts" and "how to know if I am a transgender woman". In full honesty, my stomach turned after reading all of it. I didn't know how to process everything and if there's anything that can send me spiraling, it's change. Change is what scares me so much about all of this. I will no matter what be the most supportive girlfriend I can be no questions asked, not only do I want them to be who they are on the inside, but I NEED them to do just that. No one deserves to feel trapped within their own mind and body. But at the same time, I feel like I'm grieving the person that I started dating two years ago. I miss him. I miss my boyfriend and I miss not feeling like things would ever come to this. I don't know how to feel about anything, because in the end this is about them, not me. It's so frustrating feeling like I'm losing sight of my relationship over this, I wish I wasn't. We've never fought, we have always worked through things, which is why I still have faith in this situation- it's just very different and new to me. I wish things could've stayed simple and I wish my boyfriend wasn't going through this, but no matter what I will always love them and no transition will ever change that. I'm just fighting against myself at this point.
Last edited by fragmentofme (September 20, 2023 9:32 pm)
- ellierigg
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Re: Boyfriend possibly considering transitioning?
Hey Fragmentofme!
I'm sorry you're hurting, but it's good that you found this forum as you will feel less alone, and because you will see that it gets better.
From what you wrote I recognise you as a very sensitive and empathic person. I am the same so when I tell you this I am speaking from experience: don't forget about yourself.
This is also very much about you at this moment. This is your life, and your partner. It is shocking and painful. Yes, your partner has a lot to deal with, but you have to come to terms with completely unexpected changes in your life. I understand you love your partner and want to help/support him, but this can cost you a lot. Does your partner have family, friends, good support system other than you? Try to think as much about yourself as you can. You can search posts on this forum about transitioning and you will get more insights of how people who are transitioning behave (they make it all about themselves).
This is what I've always believed about relationships, though in my previous one I got lazy and comfortable so I didn't really live like that: There is noone, NOONE in this world whose existence is a sole reason for our joy in life. When I write this I absolutely don't mean that we should not love and care of other people. I just mean that most of us build our lives around couple of people and forget about the rest of the world. Yes we love our family, friends, partners. We enjoy them, we give and receive love. But there is so much joy even if they are not in our lives. Life always gives good things when we are open to receive them.
I was with my partner for 13 years. Never ever had any doubt about us. He was my person, my perfect man, my best friend. When we parted 6 months ago it was the most painful thing I ever went through. But a whole new world opened up for me. Because I'm not just concentrated on the one person, I can exchange so much more with all the people I meet in my life. I am discovering myself, my potential. Yes, sometimes I'm still sad. Met my ex couple of days ago and we sat and cried for 3 hours. But after that I continued my life and didn't concentrate on what I can't have, but on what I do have and on what I'd still like to do/achieve.
I wish our future selves could talk to us in the moments of pain and sadness. Your future you would tell you that you will get through this, and that a beautiful, fulfilling life is possible, even without your current partner.
Hug from me. You can write here as much as you want, it's therapeutic. You will feel great again. You can't imagine it now, but after some time you will be stronger and much better than you were before.
- Daryl
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Re: Boyfriend possibly considering transitioning?
Indeed, do not forget to take care of yourself. Grief is normal here because you are losing someone. Yes, they are still here, but it's different. If you do not see yourself attracted to a transitioned person, in that most intimate way, you are facing the death of your current relationship. With enough mutual respect and consideration, perhaps you can stay friends. However, sometimes you may need to step away, even if it's only for a little while. Assuming you're still communicating well, make sure he realizes this. Wanting him to be real doesn't require you to be there for each and every step. You are allowed to step back and let him adult his way through this. In all good relationships, and even friendships, there should be an equal amount of give and take. At the moment it sounds unbalanced. Don't bottle this up.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer