"" I try to put myself in their shoes to try to understand and have empathy...."

Yeah I tried the empathy path too. All it got me was more entitlement on his part.
And engaging an lgbtq counsellor showed me they'll always be on the side that's not the straightspouses.

You could spend your whole life trying to understand. And still get nowhere 😊

Elle

I've had years to analyze this and   it's hard because they are not like us. At the end of the end I stand by my analysis..I think it's a question of morality and they all have a "broken moral core". 

I think my GX knew at a young age and I think at least one friend we had at college picked up on it.  But nobody told me. My GX decided she was entitled to have a heterosexual relationship and marry me..she pursued me..even though deep in her core she knew she really had same sex attraction.   She figured she could stuff it down and that was fair to me..or rather she was entitled to keep it from me.. 
It explains much of her behavior...its a narcisstic entitlement.   A sick insanity that marrying a straight person would solve the attraction or keep it hidden and that she cleverly solved her issue..until she met another gay woman and decided it was stronger and worth more than a lifetime with me.

Maybe they didn't plan to hurt us but the fact that they thought they could keep it stuffed down and not tell us...to me it reeks of arrogance and entitlement..vows before God and family were not really true.

No, I consider it a morality thing.  We were 100% truthful in who we were.  We vowed before God and family and meant every word and thing we did 1000%. We did not hold back even 1% of who we were.

Agree with Rob. At least in my case. Mine said "she swore" she just starting figuring this out. I think she knew all along, chose specifically to NOT deal with her own feelings and as a result, broke the home of 3 daughters and confused the hell out of them. Not her being gay, but suddenly being gay after 42 years of being straight. (or the duration of their life). I have no problem with any gay folks. To me, its simple, a cheater is a cheater, and one that would lie and gaslight me like she did, is not a good person. Nothing to do with orientation and everything to do with their moral code. 

Canary2 - I sent you a reply to your PM. Holy do we have a lot in common!

100% having autism has made this entire process way worse. I truly wish I could just shut my brain off. People tell me to move on....and I'm like how??? I see a number of posts about how people moved on, started dating again, were happy.....and here I am, over-obsessing about the lies and what doesn't make sense and trying to give meaning to things.

He also hated how direct I was. I was an open book. I said what I meant, and I said it when it occurred. My method of resolution was to talk things out, so I could understand the other person's side, and come to an agreement on how to proceed. Drove him insane. He would yell at me when I would get fixated on a topic, because I couldn't just "let it go".

Him just abandoning me, and giving me tiny pieces of lies and half truths has been torture. Because I don't know what to believe anymore. And since talking it out is my method of understanding and coping with change....the fact that he just refuses to acknowledge me has been incredibly difficult. Honestly, he couldn't have chosen a worse thing to do to me.

I went into quite the tail spin.....and that is actually when I got the autism diagnosis. 6 months after he left. It was like the straw that broke the camels back. I just could not function and everything fell apart. I have not told him about the diagnosis. Looking over the marriage though, so much more of myself makes so much more sense. And, I can see how I was an easy target for him.

Sometimes I want to tell him, just so I can say see it wasn't just me, I actually have a diagnosis, I'm not crazy. And yet, I know it probably wouldn't help anything. So why bother I guess.

I do wish he would be a bit better in this divorce process. I have gotten a bit better at handling the necessary communication, but he still goes out of his way to be cruel and try to manipulate me. And it just stresses me out. But I can't afford to pay a lawyer to do everything, so the lawyer gives me a list of things to contact him about and go through to gather the info, and then I pass it along. That way I'm not paying him an insane amount for leg work. I'd prefer no contact, but apparently I have to win the lottery to achieve that!