OurPath Open Forum
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- Shh0406
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Re: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Bi(?) Husband...so many layers.
Cecilia,
Why do you say couples counseling is not a good idea if there's betrayal involved?
- Cecilia
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Re: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Bi(?) Husband...so many layers.
Couples counseling is fantastic is a couple needs help communicating, etc. but when there is betrayal -maybe it’s different if there is “just “ a one night stand or something, I can’t speak to that- but rushing right away into MC gave my cheating spouse the chance to blame me and obfuscate. Our therapist was great, but not trained in sex addiction and betrayal trauma, so I was firther traumatized by her suggestion ms to do xyz minutes of me and husband talking about feelings to each other… husband used those times to blame me and tell me everything that was wrong eith me that caused him to have a “slip” . At that point I knew his story wasn’t adding up bit I didn’t know he had been cheating for decades
so in short, MC is great once the wayward spouse has committed to change and taken responsibility.
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Thread Starter- aly_girl
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Re: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Bi(?) Husband...so many layers.
I can relate so much to your story…especially “
So I've got the "Is he really gay?" question - which, in my heart, I say yes. Then I've got the "25 years of sex with men and not considering himself a cheater or thinking that this was immoral to do to your spouse" narcissism and betrayal. ”
I was in denial at first about him being gay and asked the same questions you did up until recently. Listen to the Ryan King podcasts on Our Path. Listen to the book Coming True by William Brown. And make notes of his actions, not his words. That should help you find your answer when he can’t give it to you.
My husband has been crying himself asleep over losing me but I’ve come to realize that it’s not losing me, it’s losing the persona of being a happily married man and perfect family. He turned this on when the disclosure became real. But, as i inch towards closure, the narcissism is starting to show its ugly self again. Gaslighting, lying and denial are becoming replaced with the discard. And soon to be the blameshifting.
The complexity of feelings in being part of this group we’re now in is monstrous. Take care of YOU. You can be supportive, if you choose to, without sacrificing YOU.
A lie detector test. An STI test. Hiring a private investigator. These are just a point a time. It doesn’t mean that the result will be negative tomorrow. So do you just keep testing??? I’m tired of being Nancy Drew and I’m grateful i can get out without HIV. He told me tonight that divorce just leads to other problems - meaning financial, disclosure to kids/friends, etc. These won’t be fun, but we survived trauma. So we can get through whatever is next too. Sending you strength.
- Cecilia
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Re: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Bi(?) Husband...so many layers.
Aly_girl, thank you for your reply. Playing Nancy Drew is no fun, and regardless of whether a spouse considers themselves gay/straight/bi/etc, the fact is that I probably will not be *enough* for him, and never have been (not through any fault of my own). This is tough. But at least I know that I have done what I have supposed to, I was fulfilling my duties as a wife and mother honorably and as well as I could. It is a good feeling to know that I have lived with integrity, even if he has not.
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Thread Starter- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Bi(?) Husband...so many layers.
Cecilia - I agree that playing Nancy Drew is emotionally draining. I listened to Ryan's Podcast and realized to stop trying to make him confess. It's NOT what I wanted in a Marriage. The vows have been breached. I had to understand my Future Ex-GID husband has had years of practice manipulating the situation instead of accepting accountability. He told me a couple of years ago that he decided to put this side of him in a box in the closet. Well, dang - I wish he would have told me before he married me that there was a box holding all his desires to be with a MAN in the closet, LOL. I have been married for 18 years with 3-kids. We have been legally separated since May ( I can get a divorce in January). We told our kids and families in August. I feel much better and at peace. I know my future is bright. There were many dark days, but I had a sound support system (therapist, close friend, and a kick@#s Attorney)! I did a lot of reflective work from November '22 - May '23, which made me rely on my Faith. Most importantly, one day my Children will know the whole story and understand my strength, not settle for this crap because they are worth genuine love and commitment!
Good for you to know that you have done your part. By no means are we perfect, but we honored our vows!
- Cecilia
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Re: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Bi(?) Husband...so many layers.
Gwendolyn, I'm so happy for you that you have made your decision(s) and are seeing the light! It gives me hope!
Our Full Therapeutic Disclosure was a few days after my first post, and it was just as horrible as it sounds, and pretty much solidifies the fact that my husband is not-straight. (He even got the 2-part Mpox Vaccine last year...even though he was gaslighting me, telling me I was silly for being concerned that just going to the steam rooms/sauna at the gym might pass on the virus to him -the gym was in a gay neighborhood; I had no clue at that point that he had been cheating.)
He has moved out for a Therapeutic Separation, which may or may not become more permanent. We told the kids (at the suggestion of out MC) that "we're just trying this thing because mom and dad need to re-start their relationship", etc etc, just to keep them from freaking out - two of them are far away for college and I don't want them dealing with heavy family stuff without a good support system in place.
I have been to a few meetings of married folk who have stayed with their gay/questioning spouses despite the betrayals, etc. and while the betrayed spouses seem mostly fine, stable, etc, they are just kind of staying to maintain the house, family, etc. and the partner love...isn't there. Kinda depressing tbh.
Lastly - any advice on telling the teen kids? I may start a new thread if I can't find anything already posted on this forum. In the deep recesses of my brain.... I kinda want my kids to know. Not ALL the details, but ... I kind of need them to know IT AIN'T MOMMA'S FAULT. Probably not healthy to feel that way. I'm SO TIRED of covering up this horror that I've been living. (I have only told two close friends.) Thanks all....
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