Cecilia welcome to our Forum. 
I have been through the period of gas-lighting, narcissistic attitude and denial. And the counseling. And the insistence that he loved me and couldn't imagine not having me in his life. 
We had an awesome sexual intimacy that I thought, though we did have a 4 year open r'ship, would preclude anybody else from destroying. But secrets, especially sexual-orientation secrets, don't care about what the straightspouse thinks and parallel with the adamant wish to keep our r'ship together he simply pushed the secret deeper thinking I would believe everything was okay. He's definitely bisexual. He might be too afraid of societal consequences to ever be gay lol. 

Cecilia when you put everything you've found out about your husband, and everything he's told you, all the uneasy emotions he's made you feel, your concerns about his caring for the children while on drugs, and giving you an STI ffs!.....who cares if he's gay, bi or a snake in the grass? 
You're paying through the nose to help him....fix him. What about you?

Elle
 

Cecilia when you put everything you've found out about your husband, and everything he's told you, all the uneasy emotions he's made you feel, your concerns about his caring for the children while on drugs, and giving you an STI ffs!.....who cares if he's gay, bi or a snake in the grass? 
You're paying through the nose to help him....fix him. What about you?
 

Elle, thanks for your reply- and I’m sorry you have dealt with all this awfulness too. I am def paying for lots of therapy as well, and while I am hoping he may become a better person, I am planning my options and getting ducks in a row. I think it comes down to simply I am not the right person for him. Regardless of straight/gay/bi/ etc he clearly needs something other than what I am willing to offer.

Hi Cecilia - well done for posting and I am sorry you are finding yourself in this place. I am in a somewhat similar place. Been with my husband 20 years, married for 15 years - 2 kids (10, 12). Husband claiming he is bisexual - I found concrete evidence of his hook up's with men - his profile on hook up sites, photos, sex texts with other men. It was like a PTSD trauma seeing it all and it turned my world upside down - I was all over the place. 

Layers and layers of lies - initially claimed it was fantasy based....then only texting....then only meeting for 'blow jobs'.......all rubbish. I can't listen to anymore lies. Convinced he has been leading a double life for god knows how long meeting men for full blown SEX .....but he's is not gay in his own words. Utter bull!!! He treated me like a fool and I felt utterly used and betrayed. My husband is so deep in denial, minimises everything, makes it out that I was somehow to blame etc.... I know for sure
- he is not straight
- he looks at gay porn and has had sex with men
- is so self absorbed and selfish 
- lies, lies and lies 
- is no longer the man I love.

I have been very firm and clear in my detachment. I am pursuing a seperation. He is still in the house and I am working to get him out. I have made the decision that I deserve a hell of a lot better, I did not sign up for this and I am no longer sacrificing any more of myself, when he can't even be truthful to himself. I turn 50 at the end of this month and I would rather be on my own and peaceful then living in this hellish turmoil with a fake husband. 

I think just because they admit to a fraction of what they did does not make them a walking truth machine all of a sudden! 

Unless you plan on staying with your husband, and are prepared to put a lot of your own needs aside to please him, I would not waste another dime on couples therapy. I found in the early days after discovery that some physical space away from him did me the world of good - I was clearer in my own thinking about what I needed/wanted. Listen to what you want for yourself - you are not responsible for his happiness. He certainly was not thinking of you when he was busy hooking up with men and neither was my husband!! Keep posting here - it helps. Hugs x 
 

Cecilia wrote:

Hi all, this is my first post. I'm grateful for this community and the podcast. 

On our 21st anniversary my husband (and father to our 4 kids) told me he had gonorrhea and that I needed to be tested; he got it from a gay massage (that was obviously more than just a massage, ahem). I was totally shocked, but believed him, although his story didn't quite add up.

We got into couples' counseling immediately (which I know now is a mistake when there is betrayal), and thus ensued months and months and months of gaslighting and paranoia and cognitive dissonance as I discovered evidence of much more and he denied, denied, denied. I finally confronted him with all the evidence and broke down and he insists he is probably bi and just wants just me and our family; I told him I need a full therapeutic disclosure with polygraph in order to consider moving further with our marriage. We are doing it soon. Basically, he has been cheating on me with men SINCE WE WERE DATING, like, less than a year into our 4 years of dating before marriage. This has blown my mind. We have always had a good sex life and I actually prided myself in that we didn't have a dead bedroom like so many couples we know

Throughout this ordeal I've realized that he displays many traits of a covert narcissist, and after disclosure his therapist is evaluating him for that. He realizes too that he has many, many of these traits, and I see how much he has abused me emotionally over the years - criticizing me and the kids, being cruel at times, using the silent treatment. He has sexually abused me by giving me an STD. 

Oh, and he also revealed that he was doing drugs at some points in the last couple years without telling me  - sometimes while caring for the kids.

So I've got the "Is he really gay?" question - which, in my heart, I say yes. Then I've got the "25 years of sex with men and not considering himself a cheater or thinking that this was immoral to do to your spouse" narcissism and betrayal. 

We're paying out the nose for therapy and such, and he is attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings (which is good for him, regardless of whether we stay together), but has anyone else had this lovely combo of trauma served to them on top of the already-terrible situation of discovering your spouse is gay?

I'm right here with you - married 26 years, found out 3 years ago he was @#$*ing men, we have 4 amazing kids, have had a "perfect" life/marriage through hard work, he's now attending SAA meetings (still not sure I'm buying that??) etc... and now he says he's not gay?? Before this I really had no idea (yes, frequent and what I thought fun satisfying sex), he had so much integrity and I loved being his wife.  I just can't wrap my head around what I thought we had and who he was with my new reality, I'm terrified of the future. My thoughts are with you, I wish I could meet you for coffee!! Hugs -"Marie"

MarieSmith wrote:

 I'm terrified of the future. My thoughts are with you, I wish I could meet you for coffee!! Hugs -"Marie"

Me too, Marie, on both counts! I'm just trying to not freak out 24/7...just like, a few hours a day instead <eyeroll>