Hey Anon - I understand completely. My ex wife is not a good person for me and I dont believe she is good in general. That said, who cares? People tell me that while she is putting on a front that she is happy, they say they think she is miserable. You know what I think? I am indifferent. I reached a point where if her being happy or sad, it made no difference to me. 

How did I do that? I focused entirely on myself and my kids. I am 43, but just over a year ago, when this started for me officially, I began working out daily, eating better, meditating, got back into therapy. Now, a year later? I look ridiculously good, cut up (for a desk jockey), met a woman I went to high school with and started dating 6 months ago and am building a healthy relationship, strengthening my relationships with my kids and have never been happier. 

This isnt to say I havent been hosed. I have. I worked my way out of near poverty, worked while she earned a phd and supporter her opening up her own practice. Despite this, I will be losing half of everything I have earned in 24 years. All the things I wanted to do will have to wait, not because I did anything wrong, but because my ex is a lying sack of shit who never keeps her word and thinks its my job to care for her and her new girlfriend (not even the affair girlfriend, but another one) and her kid. I could focus on that, but I do not. 

Live your life. The more you focus on you and what makes you happy, the happier you will be despite all of the bullshit. Not easy, but I promise you it can be done. You are stronger than you realize. 

Be well, keep moving forward

Anon2222 wrote:

......How does one not become a bitter shrew?
So far I have get one of those torso punching bag things and just whack a lot of stuff!

 

Simple but not easy answer is.... the longer you're bitter the longer he stays in your head, and you have to decide not to be bitter about a man who doesn't care that you are. I know you'll resist my answer because you're still in the middle of needing to be bitter. Your ex left you with the job of picking up the pieces of the jigsaw that was your happy life that he threw at you and I can't imagine what that feels like because I had years to work through my shit, and time to plan. 
And now I've left A, though I'm as unhappy as a clown without a smile I spend my days mostly alone with an ever-present feeling of Not-quite-right but determined to start conversations with strangers and get out for exercise every day because if I don't I'll become somebody I don't want to be. I've found online groups.....Reddit, Facebook....allow my mind to focus on something other than the sadness that sits just behind my eyes. I've joined the New Zealand Women's Rights party which have registered in this years elections, and have put my name down for a course dealing with grief (I'm a bit hesitant about it because MY grief is not the normal everyday grief of a death) 

Getting rid of all the negatives that accumulated over the years is never going to happen. Like...it's in our veins  almost right? Tattooed into our skin, a thorn in our paws, the stone in our shoes. The other day I just wanted to die and be done with it. But then I remember I have to get to 85 at least.....and who knows what my life will be in 20 years. If I can do it so can you

E
 

Thank you for the responses. Yesterday was a day,,,,and today is another day lol. 

E - I feel the same way. It's hard to describe. It's not like I want to be bitter, it's not like I want to hold on to the negatives....it's just that everything was so bloody traumatic and there's such a lack of accountability for their actions. And society just supports this. It's just perfectly fine to dump your spouse of 20 years and not look back, because you just don't want them anymore.

I will say, the past year has been an eye opening experience. I look back and I think I lived a very sheltered life. With everything piling up, it did push me towards getting a diagnosis of some of my health issues if nothing else. I just sort of cracked and got ridiculously sick and couldn't put it off anymore, so at least I'm on the road towards proper diagnosis and treatment. Mixed blessing.

I found out I have a cognitive impairment and several other things (way back when I had a bunch of terrible stuff that involved an abscess in my brain and dozens of surgeries, and spent years in the hospital). I always thought something was up over the years, but had multiple docs tell me all was good. Turns out I was just really good at faking it. And when the shit hit the fan with all of this it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. So, here we are.

One thing I have been stuck with is "rejection sensitive dysphoria" - I found out this is behind my intense struggle with everything. It's mortifying, humiliating and demoralizing to go through. 

"Dysphoria is Greek for “difficult to bear.” It’s not that people with RSD are wimps, or weak; it’s that the emotional response hurts them much more than it does people without the condition. No one likes to be rejected, criticized or fail. For people with RSD, these universal life experiences are much more severe than for neurotypical individuals. They are unbearable, restricting, and highly impairing.When this emotional response is internalized (and it often is for people with RSD), it can imitate a full, major mood disorder complete with suicidal ideation. The sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling intensely sad that results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling mood disorder."I was told that that there is nothing I can do about my responses, because they are entirely out of my control. This was supposed to make me feel better.....it did not. I hate it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I feel like I act like a complete idiot, and then he mocks me for it. And I tell myself I will never do it again....and around we go.

I don't know if sharing this information will benefit others....but I know I have had intense frustration and embarrassment with how I just can't seem to "let things go" and just not think about things, ignore it, not care, look towards the future, make new plans etc. I'm told I will get there, it's just going to take a lot longer and be a lot harder than for others in a similar situation. 

This is when it would be nice to have some compassion from my gay-ex of 20 years.....I made one attempt to explain the basics and ask him to please communicate in a manner that is clear (I found out what a lot of the impairments cause, and I struggle with vague non-answers and a few other things that he does). I told him that I have this cognitive impairment, these are the limitations around it, and this is what I would like to do to move through the divorce process as smoothly as possible. I put the onus on him and said, either you abide by the limitations I have and we work out some of the stuff ourselves and then take that to the lawyers, or you choose to ignore them and then you can talk only to my lawyer (I had the vague hope that I could save some money....)

First sentence of his response was "I don't know how to talk to you anymore", complete with "you keep saying you're over it, but your emails say otherwise" and "I have to do what is right for me, I'm sorry if that is selfish. I'm sorry it's impacting you, but I don't see what else I can do".

20 years....and he is completely unable to follow a simple request I have for a medical condition. Then he asked me to agree to a number for spousal support *eye roll*

The saga continues. I said he can direct all questions to my lawyer. 

I pray that my brain will work with me here and not doing anything else stupid.....I truly truly hope so.....

Maybe someone else can learn from everything I keep doing wrong in this process, or has a similar struggle....misery loves company!

I do value the support from this page.

Hello Anon,

I've had to let the anger out in a healthy manner first and be a 'bitter shrew' to go forward. Am not happy about the past but it's not as important to me now. Maybe this is part of your process too?

Perhaps ask for as much as you can now for a financial award. You can return it to him afterwards if you think it wasn't fair after the dust settles.