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August 30, 2023 6:38 am  #1

Wife coming out

My wife and I have been together 6 years. In a little over a month, we will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary of being married. When we got together, I knew she was bi and had a history of being with other women, relationship wise. For the past several months, the dynamic changes and something felt off in our relationship. We'd talk but neither one of could put a finger on what was going on. It usually got out of as work stress as my wife runs her own business. But a week and a half ago she had a mental break and a lot of things came out. After a rough few days, it came out that she thinks she may be gay and not bi and possibly wanted to divorce, sell the house we just bought a year ago and explore what she's feeling.
I do love my wife with all of my being and do support her on finding herself and figuring out exactly what is going on. I know this is not something that can happen in a week, a month or even a year.
As a result of our talks, we decided not to rush the divorce and deal with this together like adults, I guess you could say.
I agreed to accept her going out and doing what she has to do for herself as long as we communicate our feelings and concerns. We haven't put a time limit on this process. We are still affectionate with each other to a point. It seems like this whole thing has actually brought us closer and I feel like she is the person I once feel in love with again all those years ago.
I am a "man" that has been raised to not feel and also autistic as well.
Some days I have a harder time coping with all this and other times I'm good. It's such a rollercoaster but she is working with me as well and very understanding of my emotions as well.
So I don't know if I'm looking for tips, advice or knowledge here, but I needed to get this out there to help with the process.
I've been reading all the stories of a marriage actually working with this kind of thing. So if anyone has anything to add, I'm open to hear it.
I also apologize for the rambling if I was all over the place. This is my first time doing something like this. Thanks in advance!


August 30, 2023 10:31 am  #2

Re: Wife coming out


I find puzzling aspects in your post. Some things I thought and questions that came up, when reading it:

In what way does it matter what label she puts on herself? As if the label prescribes how to live...
Maybe she means that women are her sexual preference? If so, why would it bother her if she loves you?
Is it somehow obligatory to only have a relation, if it's totally in line with ones general sexual preference?
Like: I now have this "lesbian identity" label, so hence forth it's not okay to be married to a man...

You write she wants to "explore". But she has already been in relations with women, so "exploring" doesn't seem to be the right word.
I get the impression she wants to have sex with women (again). Maybe the incoherent labeling thing is just an excuse, could it be she simply regrets being in a (monogamous) marriage? Well, marriage is setting yourself limits and boundaries, and maybe that's not what she really wants after all.
Some desires stirred up, meeting a former girlfriend, some other trigger?
You write: "I agreed to accept her going out and doing what she has to do for herself as long as we communicate our feelings and concerns."
Does that mean you allow her to have dates/sex with women, in other words opening up the marriage on her side, and see how that works out?
Doesn't sound to me like a sturdy plan to maintain a relation. 
And isn't it something she should have worked out before getting married? What is her understanding of marriage and being in a committed relation?

So I don't give advice or tips, but I hope the questions that came up to me reading, helps you somewhat in your thinking.

Last remark. To make a MOM work, both spouses have to know very well what they want, and make a very conscious choice for each other and the marriage. You don't want to become a victim of your love in a relation that's not supported by both, it will do you harm in the long run.


August 30, 2023 4:59 pm  #3

Re: Wife coming out

As you struggle through this change in your dynamic.....and this will feel like it goes on forever, the confusion, the ache, the anger.....please please please do not forget that you as an individual deserve to live the way you wish so in amongst the love you have for your wife you must remember the love of the person you are. 

It comes down to...can you live with a woman who is a lesbian and perhaps be unhappy? 
Try a MOM for a while and see how it makes you feel.

Keep posting, asking questions


KIA KAHA                       

August 31, 2023 12:31 pm  #4

Re: Wife coming out

Thanks for the input thus far. We still continue to talk about the whole situation.

At a physical aspect, men just don't fulfill her needs. But at an emotional level, she doesn't have any complaints being married to a man.

Maybe there is some confusion going on with what she truly wants and this is what we are working on.
I am taking care of myself as much as possible during these times. It is a process I'm discovering. I'm learning to accept that maybe I'm not what she wants anymore and so be it. But we are still not rushing to any conclusions before ripping apart everything we have built together.
When people say, marriage is hard, they mean it but this kind of marriage is harder.
I hope when this is all said and done, I took, can help others like me process things.
For now I build up my support network and wish for the best. That's about all I can do.

     Thread Starter

August 31, 2023 4:14 pm  #5

Re: Wife coming out

Hi Fidget, translate this into a straight marriage and you wouldn't have any problem knowing what to do - she wants to date other men?  She thinks there's another man that she could really go for in a way she can't for me?  Would you stay stuck in that circumstance?

She's not physically attracted to men.  How can she be in love with you?  

This is not about you.  The impression I get from reading your posts is that you are giving love and she is being manipulative, making you dance to her tune for the price of a few biscuits and with no care for your well being at all.  But this is not about what I see, this is about you - what you see, that's the crucial part.

It took me decades to see that is what was happening to me - I gave him love and he strung me along for his own use for as long as I was blind to him.  


Last edited by lily (August 31, 2023 4:16 pm)


August 31, 2023 6:27 pm  #6

Re: Wife coming out

Your physical aspects just doesn't do it for her...
So, it took her six years to understand you're not a woman???
I'm sorry to say, but IMO this is very very much high level and top notch BS.

Her real problem is that she has no understanding what a love relation is about and what it looks or feels like. She has no idea whatsoever. In comparisson with that, the "sexual preference" part of it, is a minor bump in the road.

For someone who thinks like that, marriage is not "hard", but flat out impossible. Isn'n it better to skip the farce and simply don't marry? It would make it a lot less painful for all involved when it's clear from the start. So let the vows be: "Hey honey.. i'm yours as long as the feeling lasts, but then I move on to the next". At least it's honest. And sure, any real value is lacking, but why bother?

Let me guess... She comes from a broken family. She has no reference what a marriage should (could) look like. 
She's lost in this world, doing whatever feels right to her, for that's her only focus point that seems okay to go for.

Well, of course I don't know for sure if that's the case, but I hope she thinks about her life in a different way. Actually, that you both will discuss that kind of things, and strive for real meaning. Life and (real!) marriage gives ample opportunity to do so!


Last edited by Dutchman (August 31, 2023 6:30 pm)


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