clueless70 wrote:

I am sorry PJ I did not mean to hijack your thread and I dont know how to move it.
 

Hey no sweat, Clueless. thanks for your story. It sounds like you are in a bad place. I see from your other post that you have spoken with a professional. This sounds wise - especially if you are feeling depressed or are thinking about harming yourself.

I have been mulling over seeing a therapist for a few months. In the end, I decided instead to discreetly meet with a "divorce coach". I was feeling kind of angry that my sense of personal responsibility was telling me that I should talk through my feelings before making any big decisions. (In the end, as I told the divorce coach, I decided that there is nothing wrong with me so why should I see a therapist? I don't seem to be suffering from the same level of despair as you are.)

It was really useful conversation and the coach put me in touch with a financial planner. It was great to clarify my feelings too - I told the divorce coach that *even if I am mistaken about my wife being lesbian*, my own feelings are that I should leave the marriage because I am not fulfilled in it. Reading your post again, I am struck by this sense that we share - we want them to tell the truth so we can move on. I have been thinking more recently that it really doesn't matter whether or not my wife is lesbian. The fact is that something is wrong and has always been wrong. Maybe we need to give ourselves permission to respect our own feelings.

One thing the coach recommended was to sit down and write an imaginary account of where your life will be in 1 year, 3 years, 10 years. Do this for both scenarios - leave the mariage, stay in the marriage.

Her blaming you for "making her lesbian" is absolutely outrageous, by the way. Don't tolerate that for a second.

 

Last edited by PJ (October 6, 2023 2:38 pm)

Update: I have now spoken to a good friend a couple of times and let him know what is happening, without going into TGT. I felt good to talk to someone. Still haven't taken the final steps to leave. Just looking into alternative housing etc.

The hardest thing is to stop myself falling back in love with the person I thought she was. But I am succeeding!

UPDATE:

I moved out. 

Thanks to everyone for their advice and support.

It feels good to be out. I am no longer a straight spouse. My wife's sexuality is now no longer any of my business.

The best of luck to any of you who are still to make the leap.
 

Hi PJ

I just wanted to say that you don't have to leave because your partner is lesbian. 
I left my GID husband because I had given up trying to figure out what he was up to. He always told me I was crazy. A week after we split he wanted to have an argument, I said to him, we aren't getting back together so we don't need to solve this anymore. Lets not argue about that any more and just agree to disagree.
Sit down and really think about what manitpulative or lying behaviour she has used on you in order for her to life her lesbian existance. 
Leave for those reasons. 
Would love to know if you have left?